Survival of the Fittest is Real
What does "survival of the fittest" mean? I looked it up in the dictionary and one definition said this:
"the belief that only the people with a strong desire to succeed and the ability to change as conditions change will achieve success."
I'm here to report I survived the funeral and the days in WV. I feel like I for sure fit under the title of "Survival of the Fittest." I had a strong desire to get through that weekend and I definitely had to change as the conditions of my surroundings changed. Bottom line... I made it. I am a SURVIVOR!! I achieved success!! It wasn't pretty all the time, but I did it.
I mentioned in the previous post, part of me was excited to see so many family members and friends. The other part of me was dreading the uncomfortableness of not being "husband and wife" in this sea of family members and friends. Even in the midst of that awful awkwardness, it all worked out.
Seeing all 12 of my nieces and nephews (ages 32 to 10), plus 2 great nephews (ages 3 and 8 months), was the highlight of the trip. It was so good to be together again. Those kids didn't treat me any differently. In fact, we loved and loved on each other. We talked about their lives and how we missed each other and how good it was to be together. I watched them as all 12 became "cousins" again... hugging, screaming, playing Four Square together, looking through their Papa's treasures (books, clothes, clocks, political pins, etc...) and finding things of his each wanted to keep in memory of him. All of the grandchildren went in together and purchased a beautiful rose tree for their Mimi. They planted it in her front yard in front of a window so she could see it every day from her living room. They did this together and even the 3-year-old great-grandson helped with digging and watering. It was a special moment and a wonderful memory.
It was good to witness once again a family coming together for one purpose, yet the purpose had many branches. The night of the visitation was very emotional. A couple of hours before "time to start," a dinner was prepared for the family and time was given to individual families to go in together to see Papa before the viewing was open to the public. Our family did go in together because it just felt like the right thing to do. We all needed the support of each other, so we were there. However, my oldest son arrived at the church very early. He got there before anyone else arrived. He wanted to visit with Papa on his own, in his own way. In my mind, I see him standing at the casket looking at his grandfather and talking to him. After awhile, I figure he just sat down in one of the pews and simply pondered, reminisced, grieved. My oldest walks to the beat of a different drummer. He is not a talker. He is very much a loner and prefers to keep to himself. He likes it that way. He is rough around the edges and doesn't often show the world his true heart, or the vulnerable and sensitive and caring part of him that lives way down deep. It was good that he had "his time."
Fortunately or unfortunately, funerals are a time of reunion. It's just the way it is and has always been this way. We see family and friends that we haven't seen in years and it's good. A good time of catching up and visiting. The occasion is a sad one, but the bringing together of so many people is almost like a party. I have told my children many times that when I die, I don't want a sad service; I want a party, a celebration complete with my family and friends and music and singing and joyous dancing and lots of good southern food. Several years ago I attended the funeral for the father of one of my good African American friends. When the service was over, I told her that I wanted her church choir to sing at my funeral. WOW!! Talk about upbeat and uplifting! They lifted the roof off of that church with the most glorious singing. I felt like I was sitting at Heaven's Gates listening to a choir of black Angels! It was amazing! I want THAT!
Also, as is usually the case, when there is an event with a lot of people, one doesn't get to visit with individuals as much as one would like to visit. I got to spend a little bit of time with some dear friends I hadn't seen in years!! It was good. So good. We hugged and talked and then hugged some more. It's a beautiful feeling knowing the heart connections/true friend connections are still there even after many years of being apart. It was also wonderful seeing so many extended family members. Aunts and Uncles and Cousins (all "by marriage" to me but that doesn't matter)... such warm embraces, sincere greetings to me ("It's so good to see you, Dawn. How are you?) There were a few that wanted to say more, but didn't. I could feel it. I could see it in their eyes. It was like an invisible current running between us. It made my heart ache and filled me with a bit of temporary sadness because I'm not sure I will ever be with some of those people again and I love these people. One aunt in particular... I've thought of the conversation and the moment often since then. She was so genuine in her conversation with me; I almost cried when we were talking. Her eyes were speaking to me-reaching out to me. I saw that she too felt that same sadness. There was a lump in my throat and I had to quickly push it back and just keep on walking.
Overall, it was a wonderful time being with people that I love. It was good to remember and celebrate a life well lived and well loved. He will be greatly missed but his legacy will live on in so many lives. My mother-in-law is a strong woman with a deep faith and four children who are a tremendous support for her; she will also survive. In time, I hope she will even begin doing things she has wanted to do for years but couldn't because of being sole caretaker. Each of their four children will survive the loss of their father. They are all fine adults with good lives, families of their own, and have a strong foundation thanks to their parents. The grandchildren will survive the loss of their Papa. They all have fond memories and great stories to tell for many years. Each one will grow and find their way in this world. The life lessons Papa taught them will remain with them for the rest of their lives.
I survived this funeral and I will survive the wedding next weekend as well. What I've now come to realize, thanks in part to words of a friend, is that I'm a "deep roots, traditional girl who really doesn't like change." The family is and has always been my life's blood. What I miss most out of this entire divorce is the sense of family. My family. That is why going to WV was so difficult and why, at the heart of it all, is the reason I am having such difficulty moving on. All those people are my family. I feel like I've lost the most important aspect of my life. However, I haven't lost it (them/family); it's just a different setting now. I have to get a grip on that and realize that in time, there will be more family, different but still unique, still mine. My family (four kids) will always be mine and our little family will grow and we will flourish and memories will continue to be made and our times together will be precious and fun and I will continue to make roots for myself but more for them. Being that "deeply traditional girl," I feel it is my job, my privilege, to make sure my children are given roots, deep strong roots so that they will always know love and always know the way home.
Old habits are hard to break even when we want to break them. Guilt and the sense of tradition and family have kept me from truly moving on. My children will be fine. They are good kids. They are happy. I need to do the same. I know they love me. They will always love me. They will understand the "moving on part." I have to have faith in them. Trust them. Simply believe and take the step. I too, deserve to be happy. I do. For me, I need to tattoo that as a mantra onto my heart. Paint it on all the walls of my house so that I see it daily. :) Put these life lessons into practice and really do it. Take those steps toward happiness. MOVE ON and keep moving on toward that goal. I may be wearing my floaties for awhile, but I know that soon I will be jumping into the deep water all on my own and swimming with confidence and high hopes.
Be a fit survivor!!!
Love,
D~
"the belief that only the people with a strong desire to succeed and the ability to change as conditions change will achieve success."
I'm here to report I survived the funeral and the days in WV. I feel like I for sure fit under the title of "Survival of the Fittest." I had a strong desire to get through that weekend and I definitely had to change as the conditions of my surroundings changed. Bottom line... I made it. I am a SURVIVOR!! I achieved success!! It wasn't pretty all the time, but I did it.
I mentioned in the previous post, part of me was excited to see so many family members and friends. The other part of me was dreading the uncomfortableness of not being "husband and wife" in this sea of family members and friends. Even in the midst of that awful awkwardness, it all worked out.
Seeing all 12 of my nieces and nephews (ages 32 to 10), plus 2 great nephews (ages 3 and 8 months), was the highlight of the trip. It was so good to be together again. Those kids didn't treat me any differently. In fact, we loved and loved on each other. We talked about their lives and how we missed each other and how good it was to be together. I watched them as all 12 became "cousins" again... hugging, screaming, playing Four Square together, looking through their Papa's treasures (books, clothes, clocks, political pins, etc...) and finding things of his each wanted to keep in memory of him. All of the grandchildren went in together and purchased a beautiful rose tree for their Mimi. They planted it in her front yard in front of a window so she could see it every day from her living room. They did this together and even the 3-year-old great-grandson helped with digging and watering. It was a special moment and a wonderful memory.
Fortunately or unfortunately, funerals are a time of reunion. It's just the way it is and has always been this way. We see family and friends that we haven't seen in years and it's good. A good time of catching up and visiting. The occasion is a sad one, but the bringing together of so many people is almost like a party. I have told my children many times that when I die, I don't want a sad service; I want a party, a celebration complete with my family and friends and music and singing and joyous dancing and lots of good southern food. Several years ago I attended the funeral for the father of one of my good African American friends. When the service was over, I told her that I wanted her church choir to sing at my funeral. WOW!! Talk about upbeat and uplifting! They lifted the roof off of that church with the most glorious singing. I felt like I was sitting at Heaven's Gates listening to a choir of black Angels! It was amazing! I want THAT!
Also, as is usually the case, when there is an event with a lot of people, one doesn't get to visit with individuals as much as one would like to visit. I got to spend a little bit of time with some dear friends I hadn't seen in years!! It was good. So good. We hugged and talked and then hugged some more. It's a beautiful feeling knowing the heart connections/true friend connections are still there even after many years of being apart. It was also wonderful seeing so many extended family members. Aunts and Uncles and Cousins (all "by marriage" to me but that doesn't matter)... such warm embraces, sincere greetings to me ("It's so good to see you, Dawn. How are you?) There were a few that wanted to say more, but didn't. I could feel it. I could see it in their eyes. It was like an invisible current running between us. It made my heart ache and filled me with a bit of temporary sadness because I'm not sure I will ever be with some of those people again and I love these people. One aunt in particular... I've thought of the conversation and the moment often since then. She was so genuine in her conversation with me; I almost cried when we were talking. Her eyes were speaking to me-reaching out to me. I saw that she too felt that same sadness. There was a lump in my throat and I had to quickly push it back and just keep on walking.
Overall, it was a wonderful time being with people that I love. It was good to remember and celebrate a life well lived and well loved. He will be greatly missed but his legacy will live on in so many lives. My mother-in-law is a strong woman with a deep faith and four children who are a tremendous support for her; she will also survive. In time, I hope she will even begin doing things she has wanted to do for years but couldn't because of being sole caretaker. Each of their four children will survive the loss of their father. They are all fine adults with good lives, families of their own, and have a strong foundation thanks to their parents. The grandchildren will survive the loss of their Papa. They all have fond memories and great stories to tell for many years. Each one will grow and find their way in this world. The life lessons Papa taught them will remain with them for the rest of their lives.
I survived this funeral and I will survive the wedding next weekend as well. What I've now come to realize, thanks in part to words of a friend, is that I'm a "deep roots, traditional girl who really doesn't like change." The family is and has always been my life's blood. What I miss most out of this entire divorce is the sense of family. My family. That is why going to WV was so difficult and why, at the heart of it all, is the reason I am having such difficulty moving on. All those people are my family. I feel like I've lost the most important aspect of my life. However, I haven't lost it (them/family); it's just a different setting now. I have to get a grip on that and realize that in time, there will be more family, different but still unique, still mine. My family (four kids) will always be mine and our little family will grow and we will flourish and memories will continue to be made and our times together will be precious and fun and I will continue to make roots for myself but more for them. Being that "deeply traditional girl," I feel it is my job, my privilege, to make sure my children are given roots, deep strong roots so that they will always know love and always know the way home.
Old habits are hard to break even when we want to break them. Guilt and the sense of tradition and family have kept me from truly moving on. My children will be fine. They are good kids. They are happy. I need to do the same. I know they love me. They will always love me. They will understand the "moving on part." I have to have faith in them. Trust them. Simply believe and take the step. I too, deserve to be happy. I do. For me, I need to tattoo that as a mantra onto my heart. Paint it on all the walls of my house so that I see it daily. :) Put these life lessons into practice and really do it. Take those steps toward happiness. MOVE ON and keep moving on toward that goal. I may be wearing my floaties for awhile, but I know that soon I will be jumping into the deep water all on my own and swimming with confidence and high hopes.
Be a fit survivor!!!
Love,
D~
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