Staying On The Train
What do you do when your heart can't quite seem to mend itself? Oh, you think you've got the pieces all put back together. Some of the pieces are a little chinked up and some of the pieces don't quite fit back together like they used to but overall you've been able to glue the shattered bits of your heart back together again. It's not the prettiest "fix it job," but it's lookin' darn good for being smashed to smithereens! You've been thinking, "Hey, I'm on Recovery Road and it feels good." At times you even do a little Happy Dance.
Yeah,well, that is until it's less than 40 days away from my 22 year old son's wedding or my father-in-law is literally moments away from dying or I just spent the last three hours sitting at a restaurant with my ex- husband talking about his dying father, about how our marriage fell apart, taxes, the rehearsal dinner plans, and how our children are struggling in a myriad of different ways. Three of the four are going through some really rough times and what I would like to give them is a step by step road map they can follow to ensure all will be well and their lives will be all they want it to be and more. A home with two supportive parents-together. Unfortunately, that is not our reality. There is no absolute road map for life. We learn as we go. There is not one home, but two. The kids knew their parents weren't happy-weren't in a healthy marriage. The divorce was probably not a surprise to them but yet they never dreamed it would happen. Does that make sense? I am here to tell you that divorce for older children is much harder than it is for younger children. It just is and it is bone crushing to watch your children fall apart. Hello, Guilt.
Yep, all those things sure do put a kink in the whole "my heart is healed" thing. and to beat all, we even talked about the woman he is dating... 3 hours. Yes, I cried. Yes, I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest, and yes, my heart shattered into tiny little pieces all over again. When I get really nervous or anxious, or I am put into a highly stressful situation my insides start to shake like I am standing in a sub zero degree freezer. It starts on the inside and makes its way to literal body shaking and teeth chattering and I am actually freezing. I have to cross my arms and hold myself together. It's awful b/c then my stomach starts churning. I bet you I went to the bathroom at least three times while we were there. It's ridiculous, but it's me.
I wrote those words a few days ago. Since then my father in law has passed away. On the morning of April 9, 2016, he left this earthly home for his heavenly home. Tomorrow, the kids and I will be driving to West Virginia for his funeral and burial. There will be tons of family there. Some I haven't seen in almost four years. Most are my nieces and nephews and I really am excited to see them. There will be tons of family friends there. I'm already feeling anxious about it all. My father in law was a pastor for many years so the number of people in attendance will be through the roof. This will be the first event that John and I will be attending together but not together. There are still many folks who do not know we are divorced. Won't that be a fun shocker! When I try to envision the scene in my mind of how it will go down, I nearly have a panic attack; my heart begins to run really fast. I just can't imagine it. This is not how it's supposed to be, yet this is how it is. It's How. It. Is.
I keep thinking, "What the heck is wrong with me? Why are all these emotions surfacing again and why is it all causing me to come undone?" It's because of these family life events. Events that a husband and wife, a mom and dad, should be sharing together. When I pictured my children getting married, it was with my husband by my side comforting me and telling me life will be alright for everyone and we would celebrate these milestones together. I pictured us dancing together at the reception. I pictured us reminiscing about said child... "Do you remember when he/she did that? or Can you believe how beautiful she looks or handsome he looks?" Then after the wedding we would go on a trip somewhere to decompress. But none of that will be happening and it rips my heart out. I also have to figure out how to handle "the other woman" being there at the wedding and at the funeral. I've already been told she will be at both. "I just wanted to be fair to you so you would know and not be surprised." Well, thank you.
I know some of you may be thinking, "C'mon, pull your S%$*# together and move on. Live your life. Time for wallowing in the mire is over. Don't give that guy another single thought." I also know some of you know EXACTLY where I'm coming from and you understand this unraveling. Believe me, I am trying with every ounce of my being to pull it together. I even sent a message to my doctor and asked him to call me. He did and now I have a prescription for "anxiety meds" waiting for me at the pharmacy. I am finally to "that place" and I'm not too proud to beg. I figure I've done well not to have taken any medication during this entire separation/divorce process. In fact, I've never taken medication ever so this will be a first. I don't know if it will help or not, but it's worth a shot. I have to be able to put on the best game face in the history of ever.
I don't even know who to talk about all of this with because it's the "same old same old" but yet it's very different. Perhaps a good therapist should be in my future. I don't want to hear that it will be "OK in time" or "you have a bright future" (because honestly, I may not) or "You are so strong. You will be able to handle this." I know I'm strong. I CAN handle it, but I don't know HOW I am going to handle it!! I don't know how to get through that wedding without coming completely undone. Weddings bring about "love thoughts" anyway, but when it is your child, your first child to get married, it's way over the top and I don't mean just a little. Have you ever had to watch your child get married while watching your once upon a time husband sit with and be with another woman? If you have then you totally get it. If you haven't, I pray you never find out. Right now, I just can't imagine what fresh hell that is going to feel like! So forgive me if I keep repeating myself or if I sound negative or even woe is me, but that is exactly what I'm feeling and this is my chosen mode of dealing with my inner turmoil/feelings at present so please just bear with me. I am trying to find that one piece of glimmer in all of this.
During our 3 hour long conversation, We talked about the "early years" and how those were the good years. We talked about how neither of us spoke the other's love language-never have-and what a colossal detriment that has been over the years. We talked about the fact that we have nothing in common.J told me that I am "the only person in the WORLD who thinks he is a poor communicator." I'm the ONLY ONE. The severe lack of communication in our marriage-in all its forms,and there are many ways to communicate,was our eventual undoing. But he didn't communicate with ME. ME. He may be the ultimate communicator to the rest of the world, but who is the one person that should have mattered the most? My reply back to him was, "But you didn't communicate with me."
J also said something to me that struck a cord. It reverberated and has been echoing ever since our last talk. We were discussing why our marriage failed, why we didn't just keep trying after 30 years... "we made it this long; why give up now?" J said to me, "We were a great Mom and Dad. We just weren't great with each other." That one statement hit me like a ton of bricks. Yes,we were a great mom and dad. We even wore super hero capes; we were a super family unit. Our best times were when the kids were born, little, growing up, active in sports and school activities, vacations, etc... However, it was the in between moments when it was just J and me, that we failed miserably. So what is it that I can't get over? He has clearly moved beyond me. I THOUGHT I had moved beyond him. As I have been thinking of nothing else except "my situation" for the last few days, I've concluded that what it is, is loss. I feel a deep deep sense of loss. I am still grieving over a marriage lost. Although J and I were not the ideal couple, I am feeling the loss of his presence. We were over long long ago but I am experiencing this profound sense of loss nonetheless. I am feeling the loss of being married and a shared home and a family that has one home to come home to; I am feeling the loss of togetherness and that feeling is very real. I have felt all of this before, but now that we are going into this funeral and wedding, it is all coming back in spades.
J also said to me, and I will never forget it. He said, "I will forever consider this my greatest personal failure." He considers our marriage/our relationship as man and wife his greatest personal failure. Yes, I too, will forever consider this my greatest personal failure and when I stop to ponder all that that means, it saddens me to my very core. I don't like to fail at anything and to fail at one's marriage is particularly gut crippling, self esteem shattering, and my self worth plummeted downward like a bird shot out of the sky and as much as I try, I can't quite seem to get the self-esteem back. My feelings of worthiness are very inadequate at this time. Somewhere in the midst of discussing the things that went wrong, we did mention some things were right. Mainly, we tried. We did try. Thirty years is proof of the trying. We did love each other. We will always love each other and wish the best for one another. It is different now and we continue to journey through life on separate paths. We will always be Mom and Dad; that will never change. We will forever be connected because of four unique and beautiful lives that we created. There will be zillions of other events we will have to attend together and by sheer willpower, I will get through those too, and so will J and so will the kids. We do what we have to do.
I know this might seem like I have spiraled down into the abyss again, and perhaps I did for a few days. It may very well happen again. I recognize the signs. I do things to stop it. I reach out to my friends who are my greatest cheerleaders and encouragers. I think. I pray. Two days ago I literally stopped what I was doing and paused for a minute and just whispered His name. Jesus. I prayed and I talked to Him. I asked him to help me let go of this and place it ALL in His hands. I know He has me. In the devotional book, "Jesus Is Calling," April has some great daily reads and are very apropos to my current circumstances. I want to mention some daily readings that have been an anchor for me these last few days. April 3: IN ME YOU HAVE EVERYTHING... It is impossible for you to have a need that I cannot meet. April 4: I meet you in the stillness of your soul. It is there that I seek to commune with you. April 5: Let me fill you with my Love, Joy, and Peace. These are Glory-gifts (don't you love that phrase? Glory-gifts! As you go through this day, trust Me to provide the strength that you need moment by moment. April 7: I am the Potter; you are My clay. My everlasting Love is at work in every event of your life. April 8: I am with you and for you, your constant Companion and Provider. The question is whether you are with Me and for Me. Though I never leave you, you can essentially "leave" Me by ignoring Me...When you feel far from Me, whisper My Name. This simple act, done in childlike faith, opens your heart to My Presence.Speak to Me in love-tones; prepare to receive my Love... April 9: You are Mine for all time; nothing can separate you from My Love. Since I have invested My very Life in you, be well assured that I will also take care of you. April 10: Trust Me in every detail of your life. Nothing is random in My kingdom. Everything that happens fits into a pattern for good, to those who love Me. Instead of trying to analyze the intricacies of the pattern(this would be me), focus your energy on trusting Me and thanking Me at all times.
Trust me when I say divorce is a long process and it is an emotional rollercoaster of the scariest kind. You'll be Ok (or you think you're OK) and out of the blue something hits you and knocks you clean off your feet! The key is to get right back up, dust off and carry on. I will be Ok. I will be strong and I will be courageous. I will. Tomorrow I will fight the fight. I will hold my head high and I will be nice. I will be polite and courteous. One friend said to me, "I will be praying for you as you bless and pour your life into others." My life could actually be a blessing to others during this time of grief and sorrow. Wow. That's a pretty big something. I would like my life to be a blessing at this funeral and during the time spent with friends and family. Another friend shared this thought with me: Imagine going on a train ride and you go through a tunnel. It gets very dark and scary but you don't throw away your ticket and jump off. You trust the conductor. These may be really dark days, but hang in there and stay on the train; the light is coming just around the bend.
In closing, I want to say how much I will miss my father in law, Rev. Eugene Garlow. He has been nothing but kind to me since I've known him. He has loved me unconditionally for over 30 years (not many people ON EARTH who will love *you* like that). Hear that? He never stopped loving me even though I wasn't married to his son anymore. He was the most self-disciplined human being on this planet. He was also the most godly man I have ever known. He was a true example of Christ-like love. He most definitely practiced what he preached. I am thankful he now has a perfect pain free body. Tomorrow I go back to WV with my children, to a place I called home for 13 years. A place full of treasured memories and people whom I love dearly. It will be hard and it will be scary and awkward; I will feel uncomfortable at times, but I won't be alone. Trust Me. I will take care of you. I never leave you.
Ok. I'm going to stay on the train.
Obituary from Charleston Gazette... (click here)
Yeah,well, that is until it's less than 40 days away from my 22 year old son's wedding or my father-in-law is literally moments away from dying or I just spent the last three hours sitting at a restaurant with my ex- husband talking about his dying father, about how our marriage fell apart, taxes, the rehearsal dinner plans, and how our children are struggling in a myriad of different ways. Three of the four are going through some really rough times and what I would like to give them is a step by step road map they can follow to ensure all will be well and their lives will be all they want it to be and more. A home with two supportive parents-together. Unfortunately, that is not our reality. There is no absolute road map for life. We learn as we go. There is not one home, but two. The kids knew their parents weren't happy-weren't in a healthy marriage. The divorce was probably not a surprise to them but yet they never dreamed it would happen. Does that make sense? I am here to tell you that divorce for older children is much harder than it is for younger children. It just is and it is bone crushing to watch your children fall apart. Hello, Guilt.
Yep, all those things sure do put a kink in the whole "my heart is healed" thing. and to beat all, we even talked about the woman he is dating... 3 hours. Yes, I cried. Yes, I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest, and yes, my heart shattered into tiny little pieces all over again. When I get really nervous or anxious, or I am put into a highly stressful situation my insides start to shake like I am standing in a sub zero degree freezer. It starts on the inside and makes its way to literal body shaking and teeth chattering and I am actually freezing. I have to cross my arms and hold myself together. It's awful b/c then my stomach starts churning. I bet you I went to the bathroom at least three times while we were there. It's ridiculous, but it's me.
I wrote those words a few days ago. Since then my father in law has passed away. On the morning of April 9, 2016, he left this earthly home for his heavenly home. Tomorrow, the kids and I will be driving to West Virginia for his funeral and burial. There will be tons of family there. Some I haven't seen in almost four years. Most are my nieces and nephews and I really am excited to see them. There will be tons of family friends there. I'm already feeling anxious about it all. My father in law was a pastor for many years so the number of people in attendance will be through the roof. This will be the first event that John and I will be attending together but not together. There are still many folks who do not know we are divorced. Won't that be a fun shocker! When I try to envision the scene in my mind of how it will go down, I nearly have a panic attack; my heart begins to run really fast. I just can't imagine it. This is not how it's supposed to be, yet this is how it is. It's How. It. Is.
I keep thinking, "What the heck is wrong with me? Why are all these emotions surfacing again and why is it all causing me to come undone?" It's because of these family life events. Events that a husband and wife, a mom and dad, should be sharing together. When I pictured my children getting married, it was with my husband by my side comforting me and telling me life will be alright for everyone and we would celebrate these milestones together. I pictured us dancing together at the reception. I pictured us reminiscing about said child... "Do you remember when he/she did that? or Can you believe how beautiful she looks or handsome he looks?" Then after the wedding we would go on a trip somewhere to decompress. But none of that will be happening and it rips my heart out. I also have to figure out how to handle "the other woman" being there at the wedding and at the funeral. I've already been told she will be at both. "I just wanted to be fair to you so you would know and not be surprised." Well, thank you.
I know some of you may be thinking, "C'mon, pull your S%$*# together and move on. Live your life. Time for wallowing in the mire is over. Don't give that guy another single thought." I also know some of you know EXACTLY where I'm coming from and you understand this unraveling. Believe me, I am trying with every ounce of my being to pull it together. I even sent a message to my doctor and asked him to call me. He did and now I have a prescription for "anxiety meds" waiting for me at the pharmacy. I am finally to "that place" and I'm not too proud to beg. I figure I've done well not to have taken any medication during this entire separation/divorce process. In fact, I've never taken medication ever so this will be a first. I don't know if it will help or not, but it's worth a shot. I have to be able to put on the best game face in the history of ever.
I don't even know who to talk about all of this with because it's the "same old same old" but yet it's very different. Perhaps a good therapist should be in my future. I don't want to hear that it will be "OK in time" or "you have a bright future" (because honestly, I may not) or "You are so strong. You will be able to handle this." I know I'm strong. I CAN handle it, but I don't know HOW I am going to handle it!! I don't know how to get through that wedding without coming completely undone. Weddings bring about "love thoughts" anyway, but when it is your child, your first child to get married, it's way over the top and I don't mean just a little. Have you ever had to watch your child get married while watching your once upon a time husband sit with and be with another woman? If you have then you totally get it. If you haven't, I pray you never find out. Right now, I just can't imagine what fresh hell that is going to feel like! So forgive me if I keep repeating myself or if I sound negative or even woe is me, but that is exactly what I'm feeling and this is my chosen mode of dealing with my inner turmoil/feelings at present so please just bear with me. I am trying to find that one piece of glimmer in all of this.
During our 3 hour long conversation, We talked about the "early years" and how those were the good years. We talked about how neither of us spoke the other's love language-never have-and what a colossal detriment that has been over the years. We talked about the fact that we have nothing in common.J told me that I am "the only person in the WORLD who thinks he is a poor communicator." I'm the ONLY ONE. The severe lack of communication in our marriage-in all its forms,and there are many ways to communicate,was our eventual undoing. But he didn't communicate with ME. ME. He may be the ultimate communicator to the rest of the world, but who is the one person that should have mattered the most? My reply back to him was, "But you didn't communicate with me."
J also said something to me that struck a cord. It reverberated and has been echoing ever since our last talk. We were discussing why our marriage failed, why we didn't just keep trying after 30 years... "we made it this long; why give up now?" J said to me, "We were a great Mom and Dad. We just weren't great with each other." That one statement hit me like a ton of bricks. Yes,we were a great mom and dad. We even wore super hero capes; we were a super family unit. Our best times were when the kids were born, little, growing up, active in sports and school activities, vacations, etc... However, it was the in between moments when it was just J and me, that we failed miserably. So what is it that I can't get over? He has clearly moved beyond me. I THOUGHT I had moved beyond him. As I have been thinking of nothing else except "my situation" for the last few days, I've concluded that what it is, is loss. I feel a deep deep sense of loss. I am still grieving over a marriage lost. Although J and I were not the ideal couple, I am feeling the loss of his presence. We were over long long ago but I am experiencing this profound sense of loss nonetheless. I am feeling the loss of being married and a shared home and a family that has one home to come home to; I am feeling the loss of togetherness and that feeling is very real. I have felt all of this before, but now that we are going into this funeral and wedding, it is all coming back in spades.
J also said to me, and I will never forget it. He said, "I will forever consider this my greatest personal failure." He considers our marriage/our relationship as man and wife his greatest personal failure. Yes, I too, will forever consider this my greatest personal failure and when I stop to ponder all that that means, it saddens me to my very core. I don't like to fail at anything and to fail at one's marriage is particularly gut crippling, self esteem shattering, and my self worth plummeted downward like a bird shot out of the sky and as much as I try, I can't quite seem to get the self-esteem back. My feelings of worthiness are very inadequate at this time. Somewhere in the midst of discussing the things that went wrong, we did mention some things were right. Mainly, we tried. We did try. Thirty years is proof of the trying. We did love each other. We will always love each other and wish the best for one another. It is different now and we continue to journey through life on separate paths. We will always be Mom and Dad; that will never change. We will forever be connected because of four unique and beautiful lives that we created. There will be zillions of other events we will have to attend together and by sheer willpower, I will get through those too, and so will J and so will the kids. We do what we have to do.
I know this might seem like I have spiraled down into the abyss again, and perhaps I did for a few days. It may very well happen again. I recognize the signs. I do things to stop it. I reach out to my friends who are my greatest cheerleaders and encouragers. I think. I pray. Two days ago I literally stopped what I was doing and paused for a minute and just whispered His name. Jesus. I prayed and I talked to Him. I asked him to help me let go of this and place it ALL in His hands. I know He has me. In the devotional book, "Jesus Is Calling," April has some great daily reads and are very apropos to my current circumstances. I want to mention some daily readings that have been an anchor for me these last few days. April 3: IN ME YOU HAVE EVERYTHING... It is impossible for you to have a need that I cannot meet. April 4: I meet you in the stillness of your soul. It is there that I seek to commune with you. April 5: Let me fill you with my Love, Joy, and Peace. These are Glory-gifts (don't you love that phrase? Glory-gifts! As you go through this day, trust Me to provide the strength that you need moment by moment. April 7: I am the Potter; you are My clay. My everlasting Love is at work in every event of your life. April 8: I am with you and for you, your constant Companion and Provider. The question is whether you are with Me and for Me. Though I never leave you, you can essentially "leave" Me by ignoring Me...When you feel far from Me, whisper My Name. This simple act, done in childlike faith, opens your heart to My Presence.Speak to Me in love-tones; prepare to receive my Love... April 9: You are Mine for all time; nothing can separate you from My Love. Since I have invested My very Life in you, be well assured that I will also take care of you. April 10: Trust Me in every detail of your life. Nothing is random in My kingdom. Everything that happens fits into a pattern for good, to those who love Me. Instead of trying to analyze the intricacies of the pattern(this would be me), focus your energy on trusting Me and thanking Me at all times.
Trust me when I say divorce is a long process and it is an emotional rollercoaster of the scariest kind. You'll be Ok (or you think you're OK) and out of the blue something hits you and knocks you clean off your feet! The key is to get right back up, dust off and carry on. I will be Ok. I will be strong and I will be courageous. I will. Tomorrow I will fight the fight. I will hold my head high and I will be nice. I will be polite and courteous. One friend said to me, "I will be praying for you as you bless and pour your life into others." My life could actually be a blessing to others during this time of grief and sorrow. Wow. That's a pretty big something. I would like my life to be a blessing at this funeral and during the time spent with friends and family. Another friend shared this thought with me: Imagine going on a train ride and you go through a tunnel. It gets very dark and scary but you don't throw away your ticket and jump off. You trust the conductor. These may be really dark days, but hang in there and stay on the train; the light is coming just around the bend.
In closing, I want to say how much I will miss my father in law, Rev. Eugene Garlow. He has been nothing but kind to me since I've known him. He has loved me unconditionally for over 30 years (not many people ON EARTH who will love *you* like that). Hear that? He never stopped loving me even though I wasn't married to his son anymore. He was the most self-disciplined human being on this planet. He was also the most godly man I have ever known. He was a true example of Christ-like love. He most definitely practiced what he preached. I am thankful he now has a perfect pain free body. Tomorrow I go back to WV with my children, to a place I called home for 13 years. A place full of treasured memories and people whom I love dearly. It will be hard and it will be scary and awkward; I will feel uncomfortable at times, but I won't be alone. Trust Me. I will take care of you. I never leave you.
Ok. I'm going to stay on the train.
 |
| August 25, 1927-April 9, 2016 |
Obituary from Charleston Gazette... (click here)
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