"O, God, Thy Sea is so great and my boat is so small"
"O, God, Thy sea is so great and my boat is so small."
I saw this quote while watching the movie, "Thirteen Days." It was written on a plaque that sat on President Kennedy's desk in the Oval office. (the plaque really sat on his desk!) I actually googled it b/c I wanted to know who the author was that wrote these words. (here) As it turns out, the quote has an "anonymous" author. I just really liked these words; I began to think about them and what they could mean.
The quote is obviously a prayer. It is called the Breton Fisherman's Prayer. This makes perfect sense... fisherman, sailors, anyone going out to sea knows how mighty and vast the sea is and how small *we* are in comparison. There is a need for protection while out on the sea. The sea can soothe and calm but it can also be dangerous and very scary. Perhaps the fisherman were also asking for a blessing. Asking God to bless them with a generous bounty of fish to help sustain their livelihood.
For me, and I'm not a fisherman nor a sailor, but I do love the ocean, I can relate this to my own self. "O, God, LIFE is so big and I am so small." Life is scary! It is tumultuous! In the sea of life, I am but a mere speck. A speck, so minute, trying to find its way in the big sea. Yes, God, I need protection! I need You to be with me because I'm scared to go out there alone. Bless me. Guide me. Don't let anything happen to my little boat while on this journey, and if it does, please save me! Life is like the sea. Life is big and beautiful and full of the most gorgeous inhabitants; it is full of breathtaking scenery and many moments that take our breath away. Life is an exhilarating experience but it is also an uphill climb--many mountains and valleys--narrow roads and wide roads, the roads less traveled, roads full of deep potholes-so many sometimes that all I feel like I'm doing is swerving and dodging. So, yeah, I need help with navigation!
Monday, THIS coming Monday, is our Mediation Day. I am nervous, scared, full of dread, sick to my stomach--you name it, and I'm feeling it. Is this something I'm really going to be a part of? Am I going to drive myself to this office and have to sit through agonizing hours of debate, back and forth, "you get this and I get that?" I guess I am. I didn't want this mediation to take place. First of all, because it is going to cost a fortune and secondly, I was hoping we could settle without much ado. WRONG! Don't ask me why I thought it. I should've known better. I'm not sure why, but when it comes to money matters, J and maybe men in general, go berserk. I remember some of our biggest arguments had to do with "money." It's a powerful force--for good or for evil.
Mediation is the step before going to court. It is hopeful that this will be our last step and there will not be a need to go further. What we are determining is "Disbursement of Assets." Doesn't that sound lovely? How to split 29 years worth of living? If he agrees and I agree, then we're done. Settlement settled... on paper that is. If you've never done this, this is how it works... we both meet at a central location. We have our respective lawyers with us AND the Mediator. Um, let's see, my lawyer fee is $325/hour, the Mediator fee is $250/hr. We do split the Mediator fee, but still, you do the math. It's going to be a very expensive day, especially if it takes "all day." I will be at one end of the building, he will be at the other, and documents will be shuffled back and forth with the Mediator, until something is agreed upon or not. The Mediator will talk with us separately and try to get both parties to a place of agreement. There's always the chance that it won't work, at which point, I can say, "I'm done. This isn't working. I'm leaving." Perfectly within my right or his for that matter. I've been told this could be an all day event. My lawyer told me to "bring something to do" because there could be long periods of "wait time." Really? OMG. I just want this done. I can't imagine being "calm enough" to sit and read a book in between deliberations. I'm sure I will find something to take along to "do."
Another really awkward thing is that we are still living together. Yes, we are. We can't afford not to at the present time. It's way too expensive to pay for two houses, two utilities, etc... But the truth is, someone has got to make a move. If this is really happening, then it's got to happen. For us to remain stagnant and floating like driftwood, is insane. It's unhealthy. It's hurting us more and it is hurting the kids because they are wondering what in the heck is going on. Why is this taking so long? Everyone needs to move on and figure out how to live the "next chapter." In the state of NC, a couple cannot get a divorce until there has been a ONE YEAR separation. By separation, I don't mean, not sleeping together, I mean totally and completely apart... physically living somewhere else for an ENTIRE YEAR before a divorce can be final. So even if we do get things settled and agreed upon, the year of separation cannot start until one of us moves out. It's already been well over a year since we "separated." I am of the mind that I'm going to be the one to move out. I've been looking for places to live for a long time. Like I've mentioned in other posts, my house does not feel like a home to me anymore. I need to find a place to make my home, for me, for my kids. I need to have that feeling of "safe haven." I need a safe haven to come home to each day. I want to see pictures of my kids hanging on the walls again; I want to see my furniture and set it up for comfort and warmth and belonging. I need that. I need a place that I can begin to heal and create some sense of order for my life. I need a safe place to figure things out. I may have found that place. I stumbled upon this beautiful old house for rent. It is super close to work and is in a great location. I really want it to work out. It is perfect for me and a great place for the kids to come home to as well. We will see.
In the meantime, I just have to get through Monday. I want to pray for help and guidance, but I'm not sure if I can, or rather I'm not sure I feel comfortable in doing so. What I mean is, is this a situation that God will help me with? If I ask God to be by my side throughout this ordeal, will He want to? The way I've been raised and taught is divorce is wrong; it's not God's will, etc... so if I pray to Him about this situation, is He even going to hear me? Why would He if it's something He disagrees with? I know God will hear me, but will He receive my prayers? I don't know. I'm in a tumultuous state, much like the sea at times. Maybe these feelings I'm having about praying are unfounded and I'm wrong to think this way. I know God is a loving God. However, He has His standards for sure. I don't know. I guess I will try it and see.
My little boat is out to sea, where I love to be, but I am experiencing some really big waves right now. I'm trying to make my way to calmer waters. I know that sometimes we have to go through the eye of the storm in order to get to beautiful islands.
Anchors Away,
D~
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| This artwork was done by a sweet young lady that graduated with my son 2 years ago. She is extremely talented. |
The quote is obviously a prayer. It is called the Breton Fisherman's Prayer. This makes perfect sense... fisherman, sailors, anyone going out to sea knows how mighty and vast the sea is and how small *we* are in comparison. There is a need for protection while out on the sea. The sea can soothe and calm but it can also be dangerous and very scary. Perhaps the fisherman were also asking for a blessing. Asking God to bless them with a generous bounty of fish to help sustain their livelihood.
For me, and I'm not a fisherman nor a sailor, but I do love the ocean, I can relate this to my own self. "O, God, LIFE is so big and I am so small." Life is scary! It is tumultuous! In the sea of life, I am but a mere speck. A speck, so minute, trying to find its way in the big sea. Yes, God, I need protection! I need You to be with me because I'm scared to go out there alone. Bless me. Guide me. Don't let anything happen to my little boat while on this journey, and if it does, please save me! Life is like the sea. Life is big and beautiful and full of the most gorgeous inhabitants; it is full of breathtaking scenery and many moments that take our breath away. Life is an exhilarating experience but it is also an uphill climb--many mountains and valleys--narrow roads and wide roads, the roads less traveled, roads full of deep potholes-so many sometimes that all I feel like I'm doing is swerving and dodging. So, yeah, I need help with navigation!
Monday, THIS coming Monday, is our Mediation Day. I am nervous, scared, full of dread, sick to my stomach--you name it, and I'm feeling it. Is this something I'm really going to be a part of? Am I going to drive myself to this office and have to sit through agonizing hours of debate, back and forth, "you get this and I get that?" I guess I am. I didn't want this mediation to take place. First of all, because it is going to cost a fortune and secondly, I was hoping we could settle without much ado. WRONG! Don't ask me why I thought it. I should've known better. I'm not sure why, but when it comes to money matters, J and maybe men in general, go berserk. I remember some of our biggest arguments had to do with "money." It's a powerful force--for good or for evil.
Mediation is the step before going to court. It is hopeful that this will be our last step and there will not be a need to go further. What we are determining is "Disbursement of Assets." Doesn't that sound lovely? How to split 29 years worth of living? If he agrees and I agree, then we're done. Settlement settled... on paper that is. If you've never done this, this is how it works... we both meet at a central location. We have our respective lawyers with us AND the Mediator. Um, let's see, my lawyer fee is $325/hour, the Mediator fee is $250/hr. We do split the Mediator fee, but still, you do the math. It's going to be a very expensive day, especially if it takes "all day." I will be at one end of the building, he will be at the other, and documents will be shuffled back and forth with the Mediator, until something is agreed upon or not. The Mediator will talk with us separately and try to get both parties to a place of agreement. There's always the chance that it won't work, at which point, I can say, "I'm done. This isn't working. I'm leaving." Perfectly within my right or his for that matter. I've been told this could be an all day event. My lawyer told me to "bring something to do" because there could be long periods of "wait time." Really? OMG. I just want this done. I can't imagine being "calm enough" to sit and read a book in between deliberations. I'm sure I will find something to take along to "do."
Another really awkward thing is that we are still living together. Yes, we are. We can't afford not to at the present time. It's way too expensive to pay for two houses, two utilities, etc... But the truth is, someone has got to make a move. If this is really happening, then it's got to happen. For us to remain stagnant and floating like driftwood, is insane. It's unhealthy. It's hurting us more and it is hurting the kids because they are wondering what in the heck is going on. Why is this taking so long? Everyone needs to move on and figure out how to live the "next chapter." In the state of NC, a couple cannot get a divorce until there has been a ONE YEAR separation. By separation, I don't mean, not sleeping together, I mean totally and completely apart... physically living somewhere else for an ENTIRE YEAR before a divorce can be final. So even if we do get things settled and agreed upon, the year of separation cannot start until one of us moves out. It's already been well over a year since we "separated." I am of the mind that I'm going to be the one to move out. I've been looking for places to live for a long time. Like I've mentioned in other posts, my house does not feel like a home to me anymore. I need to find a place to make my home, for me, for my kids. I need to have that feeling of "safe haven." I need a safe haven to come home to each day. I want to see pictures of my kids hanging on the walls again; I want to see my furniture and set it up for comfort and warmth and belonging. I need that. I need a place that I can begin to heal and create some sense of order for my life. I need a safe place to figure things out. I may have found that place. I stumbled upon this beautiful old house for rent. It is super close to work and is in a great location. I really want it to work out. It is perfect for me and a great place for the kids to come home to as well. We will see.
In the meantime, I just have to get through Monday. I want to pray for help and guidance, but I'm not sure if I can, or rather I'm not sure I feel comfortable in doing so. What I mean is, is this a situation that God will help me with? If I ask God to be by my side throughout this ordeal, will He want to? The way I've been raised and taught is divorce is wrong; it's not God's will, etc... so if I pray to Him about this situation, is He even going to hear me? Why would He if it's something He disagrees with? I know God will hear me, but will He receive my prayers? I don't know. I'm in a tumultuous state, much like the sea at times. Maybe these feelings I'm having about praying are unfounded and I'm wrong to think this way. I know God is a loving God. However, He has His standards for sure. I don't know. I guess I will try it and see.
My little boat is out to sea, where I love to be, but I am experiencing some really big waves right now. I'm trying to make my way to calmer waters. I know that sometimes we have to go through the eye of the storm in order to get to beautiful islands.
Anchors Away,
D~
"Life is hard yard by yard; inch by inch it's a cinch."
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI just saw 13 Days and thought to google the plaque's prayer. I came upon this page and can identify fully with your experience. I went through the same six years ago. The most agonizing hours of my life, except when I thought my son was going to loose his life, twice.
ReplyDeleteSomehow he survived and I don't know if on account of my prayers. Somehow the divorce went through and I was able to pay my lawyer and all the child support and the house got sold to a wonderful family that deserved it more than we did. It all worked out in the end.
God Bless us all, for we all need protection.