How Did You?

 I was asked a very big question yesterday that I have not really thought about in a very long time. A dear friend asked me, "How in the world did you ever get accustomed to being alone?" 

At the moment she asked, I was getting my hair done and couldn't respond. Truthfully, the question knocked me back a couple of steps. I had not traveled down this road in a very long time. I had a two-hour drive back home, so I pondered this. How could I answer her question and at the same time give her hope? This friend is going through a separation and eventual divorce. She too has been with her husband for over 30 years.  How do I answer her question with honesty, yet give encouragement for brighter days? 

In my mind I thought I am NOT accustomed to being alone, it's just my present state of life right now. God didn't design his Creations to be alone. He designed a mate for all living things. Humans most of all. So I decided to go back in time and I thought back to the fall of 2012, the beginning of 2013 when my whole life unraveled. I don't like "going back" and digging up bones, but I felt compelled to search my heart for a response to her question. I was still living with my husband in our house but I was never more alone than I was then. I felt truly alone and wasn't even by myself. You see, a person can be alone, feel alone, and sense the desperation of being alone when living in a house full of people. For me, that was more painful than actually living by myself. I needed consolation but there was none. I needed physical touch- a hug, a hand laying on mine, a touch that everything was going to be ok, but there was none. I think I ached for human touch most of all, from someone who loved me and who knew I was broken, someone who knew we were both broken. It never came. After 17 months of living in a house of loneliness and heartache, I moved out. I would rather actually be living alone, by myself, than feel this rejection and terrible aloneness from the person who vowed to love me forever. 

My friend also moved out. In fact, she left within a week of hearing her husband say he didn't love her anymore. A WEEK! She experienced a sense of liberation, freedom, bravery, etc... I, too, felt all of those things...for a moment. That's how it is. You feel courageous and free from the chains that bound you. You find making your own decisions exhilarating...decisions you've never made before either because you were never allowed to make them or you didn't bother to care about making them. Friends encourage you, tell you everything is going to be alright, tell you there will be a "better love" down the road, you'll meet someone fabulous, and life will be better than you've ever known. Keep the faith. Believe. God has you and He has a plan. At the time, I welcomed those words because what else was I going to believe in? It's been almost 8 years since our divorce was finalized and none of that has come true. I'm not bitter about it. It's just the way it is right now. 

There has been no "fabulous love"; I haven't met anyone really. I have changed my life in many ways and have grown from the inside out. I've made huge life decisions on my own, but after 8 years of being divorced am I "accustomed to being alone?" No, and I doubt I will ever be accustomed to it, but I have learned how to deal with it. Most days, I'm good. Some days I feel terrible depression and sadness that I have no one to be my person. I worry about the future. Will I ever find the one to be my person in this second half of life? I consider the possibility of a health crisis and no one is here to call for help. The "what ifs" can and do overwhelm me at times. I do still believe God has me and He has a plan for my life. That part is definitely true. What it is I have no idea. I just know I'm here living my life and being nearby for my daughter and grandchildren. They need me now. It's good to be needed. I feel a sense of purpose in knowing that much. My son and his wife live here for now but they are moving to Florida at some point in the next few months. I feel like my first two years here in Fayetteville were for my son too. He had a place to live, a place to call home while he himself was healing from a divorce, a career change, and trying to find himself again. Those two years with him were a gift, a gift I will forever be thankful for.  When he got married last September and moved out, I found myself once again alone. 

It's not been easy to figure out how to deal with the absence of him. His presence was comforting to me. I felt a sense of security and joy coming home knowing I had dinner to cook for someone. I had someone to carry on a conversation with and share laughs with, etc... Bottom line, life moves on. Life continues even if we don't so we all have a choice. We must adjust to what comes our way. For me, the choice is to do what I have to do to survive and not only just survive, but thrive in the process. I can't give up hope. I will not give up hope. By nature, I am not a weak person. I credit my maternal side of the family for that--all fighters--all stubborn--never quit kind of women. Oh, they all had terrible trials and tribulations and got knocked down many times, but they didn't give up. There will be no giving up. 

So, dear friend, you are going through the worst time of your life right now. I am answering your question in the best way I know how--being truthful. I can't sugarcoat what is ahead for you. You need to know what you are up against. It is lonely. It is so scary. You will feel like you can't get out of the black hole sometimes. There will be happy days and sad days, but I can guarantee you brighter days if you fight for them. If you feel like wallowing, do it, but only for a few minutes. Hold fast to your faith. Be with your children, be with your family and friends who love you for you. Delight in small victories. Explore the world even if you do it by yourself. You will feel such a sense of accomplishment and pride. Don't be afraid to seek new adventures and get out of your comfort zone. Find ways to experience peace in the midst of being alone. Come to terms with it and make a bold statement to live and love without shame or embarrassment. It is what it is. We have one life. Give it your all! Be sad for what is lost and mourn it if you must, but don't stay there. He isn't worth it. He broke you. You got lost, now find your way back. Always be thankful for what was good during those 30+ years. You have too much to give to the world to stay sad for very long. You are stronger than you think and so much braver than you know. Accept what is, hope for what is to come, believe in His plan and purpose, and go forth! Slay the dragons. Conquer your fears. You can do it! We can all do it! 

With much love,

D~