"There Ya Go"

It is a quiet Sunday afternoon. It is August and hotter than blazes outside. Summer, thankfully is winding down, or I hope it is. These heatwave days are no joke here in Fayetteville.  Since I have some downtime today I thought I would jot some thoughts here. I was talking to my friend on the phone just a few minutes ago and I was telling her my latest news and when I finished telling her, I said, "There ya go," because really what else is there to say. 

I have been talking to a guy for the last 6 months. We have talked just about every single day and sometimes multiple times a day, for literally the last 6 months, which is 24+ weeks, which translates into a TON of hours on the phone. A. TON. I am not a big phone talker so this was new for me and I actually didn't mind. We don't live in close proximity to each other so we have not been out on any dates or seen each other, etc... However, I know him. I have known him for many years. He called me. He kept calling me. We forged some kind of a mutual something. I mean, for two people to invest that kind of time into conversation has to mean something or so I thought. 

At my age, the men I meet now (if I meet any) are either single (never been married and "whoa" to that), married, divorced, or in the process of getting a divorce. The latter is true of the before-mentioned man. I should have learned my lesson on this one because this is the second time this has happened. You know, where things are going well, you are feeling good about "where things are," you are starting to think maybe, just maybe this might actually work out down the road. Well, don't start thinking that! Just when you do, here comes the boot drop. All of a sudden the calls are less frequent, the text messages don't come as often as they once did, there's a change in conversation and voice tone. I could sense it a couple of weeks ago. When things start to veer off the normal path, then you know something is up. I'm never wrong about these "sensings." 

True to form, said guy gets all wigged out because the actual divorce is drawing nigh. The papers are at the lawyer's office being typed up. Soon the papers will be mailed for signatures. After that, the papers will be filed in court and 60 days later there will be no paper proof of a marriage, only the ending of one. Keep in mind the "wife" has already been gone for well over a year, and there was nothing of a marriage years before that. Ok. Ok. On top of that, said guy is having an "identity crisis" of sorts. He is almost 60 years old and is now realizing he might need to make some changes in his life. He will have to make some changes in his life. Listen, I get all of this. All. Of. It. Here is where I want to kick myself... I had a conversation with him about not going down the relationship path because I don't want to get hurt. I don't want you to say to me, "Oh, I've changed my mind and I'm getting back with my wife." (been there done that) I don't want you to say, "Well, I might need to ...." Whatever. I'm not sure I want to travel this road because anything could happen. I have a perfectly good wall built around my heart and I don't need any chinks in it. We discussed the fact that maybe this could be something once his divorce was final or maybe we would just come away really good friends. Both are good options. I also said if we need to back off from talking so much then I'm willing to do that. Not a problem. We continued to talk, get to know one another, laugh, share our day's happenings with each other, text throughout the day, etc... This put me a little deeper into the Rabbit Hole. 

He asked me on several occasions what are my "dealbreakers" for a relationship? Dealbreakers, hmm, let's see... I don't have that many but they are big to me: 1. Must believe in God 2. Don't be a smoker 3. Don't be a failure at communication. That's it. So when *you* say to me, "I didn't call because I didn't want to have this conversation with you. I didn't know what to say." "I didn't want our friendship to change," then what you're actually saying is, "I suck at communication and don't know how to say words so I just chose to leave you hanging and full of confusion." To that, I respond with, "Please refer back to Dealbreaker #3." 

It's fine. I mean, for real it's fine. I'm just mad at myself for entertaining any thoughts of "a good thing." Also, when things like this happen, my mind goes haywire for a split second thinking that once again, I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy of the fight. I know that in reality, I am more than enough and I am more than worthy to be fought for, to be someone's The One. I also realize I'm not the cause of the "pull back." (this has been true too many times for me) He is and whatever things he has going on in his mind, his life. So go. Go get your "me time" and figure your life out. I am 18 months away from being 60 years old. What I want in a man, need from a man, is much different now than it was when I was 21. At 21, I needed a Provider, a Caretaker.  I don't need that at 58. What I do want/need is a Partner. I have proven to myself that I can provide for myself. I have moved 4 times in 6 years. On my own, I have bought and sold a house and then bought another. I've bought a new car and paid it off two years early. I can pay my bills and go on vacation from time to time. I am capable of taking care of myself. What I would love is to have a man in my life who is a complete partner. Someone who helps me with my grandkids, helps me with projects, listens when I talk about my job as a teacher, goes with me on adventures, sits with me at home in silence. Someone who will love my children, put up with their sometimes "messes" without judgment, and someone who will love my grandchildren and not resent their presence in my life. Partners share all the things together. And partners communicate with each other no matter what. Too much to ask? I don't think so. 

God knows the plan. If there is someone for me, then it will be all of this and more. I am confident of that fact. God only wants the best for me in every part of my life. I just need to remind myself that I, too, want only what is best for me. BEST--not an acceptance or a settling, but what/who is BEST for me. Someday my Prince will come or he won't. 

There ya go,

D~