What Is It About Mother's Day?

It is Mother's Day weekend 2021... the whole world has just spent a year in quarantine and dealing with the thing called Covid-19. It's been a super messy year because of it and so many other "issues" in our world today. However, this weekend is about celebrating, remembering, grieving, feeling great loss, being grateful and blessed, honoring, etc... It's just a freaking emotional weekend for so many women (and perhaps guys as well). I have been wondering all week what is up with my emotions, my inner being so to speak. I have felt "off-kilter," restless for the last four days and I couldn't pinpoint the reason. I think it has to do with Mother's Day--at least a good percentage of it. 

I've read different posts this week about women acknowledging other women and their feelings on Mother's Day. Women who feel extremely blessed because they ARE mothers and at the same time feeling empathy and love for other women who haven't or can't experience motherhood. Women who hate Mother's Day and are extremely sad on this holiday for whatever reason. Perhaps it's feeling the loss of one's own mother and the emptiness and void one feels of not having "mom" here to share in all the things. It could be some sort of childhood trauma caused by a mother. To me, THAT would be the worst. For many, it is infertility issues and the utter heartbreak of not being able to carry a child in one's womb. The cost of it and how some simply can't afford this treatment and therefore, there is no child for that woman. There could be adoption failures and terrible stories of "almosts" but it never happened for them. And then are the miscarriages. The excitement of being pregnant and then devastation, and many times, not only once, but multiple times. I can hear the cries to God, "WHY?" So if you are reading this and you fall into one of these categories or one I have not mentioned, please know you are not alone. You are heard and your feelings are totally valid. I'm giving big hugs to all the women for all the reasons.

In my life, I have had basically three mothers. My own mother, my grandmother, and my aunt. All of these women are gone and in heaven. I am here on earth without them. The squeeze on my heart is tremendous. You know how we hear that saying and even sometimes make fun of it, "I WANT MY MOMMY!?" It is the absolute truth. I miss mine, all 3, every day. I have a story of why I call these women my 3 mothers. I've written about it here on the blog. Long story short, my mother was killed in a car accident when I was only 3 years old. My grandmother became my guardian immediately and raised me. She had help from my aunt (my mother's sister). They were all amazing strong fearless women. I hope I have inherited a pinch of their spunk and grit. Most of my memories of childhood and growing up with them are love-filled. I had a wonderful childhood and was loved unconditionally by these extraordinary women. I MISS THEM. I NEED THEM. Life is hard without them. However, I feel their presence around me all the time. Maybe it is something I say that reminds me of them. I feel my grandmother near when I see beautiful flowers and gardens. She was a true Green Thumb. I feel her when I've hit a home run with my cooking skills. She was an amazing cook and taught me so much. I feel my aunt near when my dear friend makes a strawberry cake for my birthday (and sometimes puts it in the mail) b/c that is what my aunt did for me every single year of my life. The color pink reminds me of my aunt; it was her favorite color. I find myself loving "pinks" these days. I'm told my mother was sassy and full of life and not afraid of anything. How I wish I could remember just one thing about her! I feel her near me when I have to go through the hard things and be really brave or I have to speak truth when it isn't easy to do so. Good women who have in turn made me a good woman. All enriching my life with gifts not purchased but taught and demonstrated so that I can be one of them too. These beautiful women are a big part of the "story of my life." They believed in me and told me so all the time. I felt like I could achieve whatever I wanted to because they said so. They pushed me to succeed. Oftentimes, the pressure I felt to be "the one to be the one to make it" was overwhelming and I felt the crush of the weight bearing down, but I did what I was taught to do--press on, win the race, fight the fight, and get the job done--BE who you were meant to be.  

On this Mother's Day, I am feeling so grateful for my own gifts. I was given four babies to love, nurture, raise, and teach. This is where I don't want to sound unsympathetic to the women out there hurting. I feel you. Here I am going to say, I can understand the feeling of loss. I have lost a baby. Only a handful of people know this and I mean a handful, but it is time I share that grief along with the joy. I am not going into detail about it, nor do I want to talk about it, but I have lost. I know it isn't something you just get over. I think about it all the time and I feel many things, but mostly a great loss. It's a heart pain felt deep in my soul and will never go away until I get to heaven and see that baby and hold that baby. God who is full of grace and mercy and love, filled our home with four children. I can honestly say that nothing in this world has given me greater pleasure and joy than being a mother. Well, now I'm a grandmother so that is extra whipped cream!  I loved being pregnant-every part of it. I loved holding my babies close to me, even as they got to be big babies. I think they would tell you I snuggled them too much. LOL I was all in. I wanted my children to feel all the love I felt growing up. I wanted to teach them they could be anything they wanted to be. The best years of my adult life were when we were raising our family. I can't explain it really but if you know you know. :) Trust me, there were many hard days where I cried and cried; days where I felt like a complete and total failure as a parent. There were times I felt helpless and afraid and scared and I couldn't just wave my "mommy wand" and fix the thing. Those phone calls in the middle of the night are straight-up nightmarish! The race to get to your child, heart pounding like it is going to jump out of your chest, nerves completely destroyed, praying every second that it's going to be ok, that they are going to be ok--I had those times, several times, with multiple children (different times of course), knowing you would do whatever it takes to help them. Today, all four babies are grown and well into adulthood, and they are thriving and successful and strong humans who have also endured and gone through hard things and come out on the other side still swinging. Good kids. I am blessed to be their mother. 

As I reflect on this Mother's Day, I have been thinking about my own daughter being a mother now. She is amazing at it. She is a wonderful mother. She got married and became an instant mom to Cannon and Ella, who were very young at the time. Katelyn jumped in with both feet, no hesitation, and made a beautiful family.  She had a baby in September of 2019 and her name is Caroline. Watching my daughter go through pregnancy, an appendectomy when she was 14 weeks pregnant, work, take care of the other two and Nick, was a great experience for me as her mother. I watched in awe. My daughter is strong. I saw that she is a real fighter and can handle tough things. She is also sassy and driven and will get the job done. I love watching her carry on our family traditions. Things I did for them that were special on certain holidays. I always made a huge deal out of their birthdays. I told the kids their birthday was even bigger and more special than Christmas because it was the day "we got YOU."  Katelyn makes the kids' birthdays very special too. My daughter is carrying on what she experienced as a child and it is joyous to see--the passing of the baton so to speak. Life does come full circle and if we are gifted the days here on earth, we will get to witness it and be a part of it and even get to teach and love to future generations. Katelyn, Happy Mother's Day. You are my girl and the original Sunshine baby. I am so proud of you. It is such a joy to watch you do motherhood. I am here traveling this road right along beside you. It is a privilege to share this with you. I love you the mostest, the bestest, to infinity and beyond. You've got this! Enjoy the journey. Savor it. It will be gone in the blink of an eye. 

The legacy and gifts from "my 3 mothers" are still going strong in me, in Katelyn and I already see it in baby Caroline! I love that the qualities and characteristics of my mother, grandmother, and aunt are being passed on and will continue for all who come after them. Thank you, Lord, for the blessings you have bestowed upon me in my life. Thank you for carrying me through so many hard times, so many losses, so much grief. You were always there through it all. You are with me still. Thank you, Lord, for trusting me, letting me borrow, four special lives, to love and call "mine." I know they are really Yours, but it has been and continues to be my greatest joy to be their mother here on earth. Happy Mother's Day to me. 

To all my friends, sisters, women who have mothered me and loved me well, my daughter, I say Happy Mother's Day. To all the women who don't like Mother's Day and cringe at the thought for reasons of their own, it's perfectly ok. I hope you will do what makes your heart feel ok tomorrow and every day. You too are being thought of this weekend. May those you love hold you close. Let's all do some loving on those we love and keep our hearts open for the many blessings in our lives. 

Love Fiercely,

D~

My grandmother and me

My beautiful girl

Katelyn and Caroline

My four