Looking Back at a Decade

Here it is December 31, 2019...

We are at the end of a decade and on the cusp of a new one...2020.
Honestly, it blows my mind when I think about it. I've been seeing "look backs" of the last decade on social media and I started thinking about it myself. How would I classify this last decade of my life? What are my thoughts on it?

My biggest thought is that it has been the most difficult years of my life. Life after 50 has been FULL of challenges, heartbreak, pain, loss, troubles, loneliness, financial struggles, uncertainty, and just so much of everything that causes stress and even depression. In a way, I'm glad to see this decade go, but it means I'm getting older and that is not something I want to do. As full of adversity and all things negative that these years have been, the last decade has also given me some treasures. Treasures in the form of moments and people and experiences. I am thankful for those. I am thankful for the learning and the growth that has taken place within myself. I've had to stretch beyond what I considered to be my limitations and I discovered that they are not limitations at all. I placed that burden upon myself.

For the last few years, I've adopted a Word for the Year for myself. Last year (2019) I struggled with finding my word and this year it was crystal clear to me. My word for 2020 is Self-Care. It is high-time I started taking care of myself. I haven't done a good job of that for the last 6 years. In fact, I've done nothing other than survive. I decided I HAVE to do something. I HAVE to take care of me. Taking care of me involves a lot of things. Health is number one--Body. Mind. Spirit. I need to make some changes, take action, get involved, be determined, create, be present and mindful, nourish my soul and find my faith again. I've never lost my faith, but it's taken a back seat for a long time. I want it front and center. I also used to be very creative, very crafty, etc... I'd like to get back to some of that--at least the creative part. :) Self-Care also means saying "no" to things or to people or even my children. I have a friend who used to tell me all the time, "just say no." At that time, it was hard for me to do for a number of reasons, but now I feel like I can say No and not feel guilty about it. I have a little voice saying to me, "It's your turn, Dawn, take time for yourself. Do what you want to do. Everyone and everything will be alright." In other words, "You do you, Boo." I am 57 years old. It's time to start!

Here's a recap of the last ten years:

2010: The Beginning of a New Decade: I planned and executed a huge high school reunion at Isle of Palms in SC; we had the absolute best time ever. So many people were able to be there and it couldn't have gone any better. I didn't know it but this would be my last year teaching 4th grade at a school I really loved. I was only 47 years old and still felt great, the kids were all at home or at college and I felt like I was still needed.
2011: Stressful: NC is my home and I love NC, but NC treats its teachers terrible on all fronts. There is this "rule" our county has/had about "surplus teachers." If not enough students at a school and too many teachers then some have to go. It is absolutely assinine the way they do it. Anyway, I was "surplused" and told I had to go to another school to teach KINDERGARTEN! This was traumatizing to me. I can look back now and say it was a good thing because I made many incredible friends and met so many wonderful people while I was there. I stayed for the next 4 years. My daughter graduated from college-NC State...Go, Wolfpack!! My oldest son had to have major hand surgery-twice-due to an unfortunate accident. My oldest went through so much this year-mentally and physically, and some of it changed him forever.
2012: Joy and Sorrow and the Unexpected: My son, Jared, graduated from high school, signed to play Division 2 soccer at Limestone College. A very dear friend passed away in January. This was really hard to deal with because I had never had a friend my age die. I was there in the hospital with her only seconds after she passed; there were other wonderful friends there too. We felt a connection that I will never forget. In this sacred moment, we were together and we felt so much love for each other. A week or so later several of us went back for her funeral. Again, another time of friendship and bonding that I will always cherish. This was the best year (a lot of happy moments in 2012) and the worst because the end of 2012 and the next 7 years would be the hardest and most painful of my life
2013: The Year of "Firsts." I started this blog out of necessity; I needed an outlet, a place to formulate my thoughts and share with whoever would "listen." In all honesty, I really just did it for me. I didn't really care how many people read it. I wanted a place to let whatever I was feeling, out. I didn't want to worry about what people might think or might say. I stopped going to church. I didn't want advice flying at me from all corners. I simply wanted a way to begin healing from the inside out. This blog has been that place for me. It has been and continues to be my therapy. I haven't written as much in the last couple of years but I want to keep this up. Writing is something I enjoy. This was the year I got my first tattoo. Talk about shocking people! haha It was great fun. It was totally spur of the moment. I wrote about it here. My daughter and I had a really fun weekend in DC and it was a good time with her. I decided to go to Miami (had never been) alone and I spent 2 fabulous weeks there. While I was there, I decided to drive to Key West and spend the night and do some sightseeing. I was nervous to do all of this by myself, but I did it and I was very proud of myself. The beaches in Miami/South Beach are gorgeous and I discovered my love of sea glass while there. I found so many beautiful pieces. I have a pretty glass jar full of my "Miami" sea glass to remind me of that special time. I got an idea to have a special Christmas gathering of girlfriends who encouraged and supported and loved me through some very dark days. I sent a letter to these women thanking them and inviting them to please come and celebrate friendship. The first Girls' Christmas Get Together was born. I met one of my brothers for the first time (I have three). I met him at my nephew's wedding. 2013 did have some good moments. This was our last Christmas as a family unit in our family home. This hit me very hard and that memory still punches sometimes.
2014: On my Own: I moved out in April (was told to) and lived on my own for the first time in my life. This was a huge step for me. In NC, couples have to be separated for one year before a divorce can be final. I went to Miami again (by myself). Good friends offer places of refuge. This friend allowed me to use it whenever I could get there. The condo has since been sold, but it was a safe haven for me during some very dark times. I had the second girls' Christmas gathering at my "new place." I coordinated our 34th High School reunion at Lake James, NC--so. much. fun. My dad passed away and I made it in time to say goodbye. Another person in my life-gone.
2015: More New: The county speaks and you guessed it, I was surplused again--another new school teaching Kindergarten. This school was a serious culture shock for me. I survived there for the next three years moving from K to first grade for the last two years. Our divorce became final in June. I went into a downward spiral after this. It doesn't matter if one knows it's coming. The shock of the finality of one's life for the last 32 years is mindblowing and my world was rocked. One can't understand unless one has walked in those shoes. My youngest child, Jacob, graduated from high school. He was derailed of his plans for the fall due to his dad's decision and I truly believe this set him on a path that nearly ruined his life. I felt helpless in my efforts to help him. I had to move yet again. God in His infinite wisdom worked all the details out and I lived in this beautiful old home for the next 18 months.This was also where I had my last Girls' Christmas Get Together. My heart was no longer in it and it didn't bring the joy it once did so I decided perhaps it was time to let it go--at least for a while. This was also the first Christmas I was left alone for most of the day and I decided right then that I would never do that again.
2016: Change and Loss: I took my kids on our first "new" family vacation to the beach and it was wonderful! My son, Jared, graduated from college and got married and got his first puppy, a husky named Nala. When it is the first big event of one of your children, especially a wedding, after a divorce, it hits so hard. It was all so hard. There are no books telling you how to survive it. Somehow, with the help of family and friends, you just do and I did. In November, my aunt passed away, unexpectedly. She was the last of my immediate family. I felt like a true orphan. The responsibility of selling her condo, moving all of her belongings out, and settling all of her financial matters fell on me. I became a volunteer in the NICU at one of the hospitals. This was not what I expected it to be so I "quit" after a few months. My kids and I said good-bye to 7066 Bridgewood in a very special way. This is a memory all 5 of us will never forget.
2017: The Sun Came Out: My oldest son moved to Texas. He packed up his car and off he went. I had to move again-twice. I spent a wonderful 6 weeks in a friend's empty house in a beautiful quiet neighborhood. The Lord worked a miracle for me. Jacob and I lived here and we loved it. It was the safe place I needed after so much change and loss. In June, I bought my own house! Boy, was I scared but proud of myself at the same time. Three weeks later I flew to Cairo, Egypt by myself! I stayed with a dear family for three weeks. It was certainly a once in a lifetime experience. My daughter got married in November and I instantly became a grandmother (Grammy) to two beautiful little humans. My children gave me a dog for Christmas. I'll just leave that right here. Her name is Bailey, after George Bailey in the movie It's A Wonderful Life.
2018: Steady: The beginning of this year started a bit rough for my son, Jacob. He got into a lot of trouble and we were both afraid of what might come from it. Praise the Lord for His mercy/help and unconditional love for His children. Jacob made a wise decision and took a job in WA beginning in April. It was hard to let him go but necessary. I believe it has made all the difference. I made a big decision to move schools. This time it was my choice. I started teaching third grade. I also decided to teach summer school. With a new house comes many expenses. This was a way I could make some extra money. I experienced wonderful summer travels before summer school started. I flew to Austin, TX, to visit my son for the first time. We had a great week together. I then flew to Seattle where my son, Jared, met me, and we explored Seattle and then drove to see my youngest, Jacob, in Port Angeles, WA. A special 6 days with two of my boys. I planned another high school reunion in the mountains of Asheville, and it was a huge success. We had the best time.
2019: Babies: Babies aren't necessarily infants. I have four babies although they are 23, 26, 30, and 31. One of my babies went through a divorce and joined the Army all in the span of about three months. Both were monumental life-changing decisions. He left for Boot Camp June 25th and I didn't see him again until he graduated in October. Those first 3-6 weeks were nerve-wracking for me. The lack of communication and the unknown were the 2 major factors for the anxiousness. I wrote that child so many letters! He also wrote to me and I will keep those letters forever. The first time he called, I cried. I was so happy; I just couldn't help it. Hearing his voice was such an enormous relief. Hearing him sounding happy was joyous.  Jacob, my youngest baby, drove across the country and moved out West, like to LIVE. His first stop was Blue Sky, Montana, to work at a ski resort. He hated this job and within 4 weeks was on the move again. This time to Spokane, WA. He found work and stayed through April and then left for Lake Crescent Lodge near Port Alsworth, WA. He stayed there until the beginning of October. He is now living back in Spokane and has a great job with an airline.  I taught summer school again and I visited my son in TX. My daughter, my baby, had a baby! Her pregnancy was super rough that first trimester. She even had her appendix out at 14 weeks. Our precious baby was born September 18th, 11 days after her due date, but beautiful and healthy and big! She was over 8 lbs. Her name is Caroline and we all love her so completely. I am an official Grammy now. It is the best job ever. Caroline is joy and sunshine and hope. She is a true blessing and the best thing to happen in this decade!! In July of 2019, another dear precious friend passed away from that horrible disease known as cancer. Amy was 58 years old and a treasure of a friend as well as my cousin. I was blessed to spend time a good amount of time with her before she died. I was with her the day before her passing and was so thankful to have told her how important she had always been to me. A few weeks before when she was feeling "pretty good" I asked her to call my cell phone and leave me a message so I could have it forever. She did and I will keep it always. Amy was truly one of the best people to have ever been born. Love and Loss. If we are alive on this earth, we will experience it. We are born and we will die. The circle of life. It's how we live in between that matters.

So that's my recap of the last ten years. What a journey! Thankfully I am here for the beginning of a new decade. A clean slate if you will. A wide-open book with blank pages is before me. That's exciting and scary and there is so much unknown but there is "good to be had" in this decade. I have to make it happen. Pray that it will happen. Trust and believe that happiness and contentment await, but first I must work on me and take care of me. I must find ways to heal the broken pieces, find ways to grow what's good, learn to listen to my heart more than my head at times, find the pulse of who I am now. Who am I? This is me at 57; the years prior to 57 have already been written and the multitude of chapters have been read. What's ahead at 57 and beyond? Those are the blank pages waiting anxiously, excitedly, humming/vibrating with the newness of what's to come. My prayer is for strength and eyes open wide to see and to accept. Perhaps even to clear new paths.

To 2020 and the next decade...

Self-Care, I've got my eyes on you, and as Dolly Parton said, "Find out who YOU are and do it on purpose."

Happy New Year,
D~