My Church

What a rollercoaster of emotions the last few weeks, days! I had every intention of going to church this morning. I made plans last night and told myself, "Tomorrow is the day. I'm going." I'm not sure what the pull is, but I have felt the need to get back to church recently. I suppose the desert has become too dry to give any more sustenance. I haven't been to church for a normal Sunday service in about 5 years. When J and I started having issues, then separated, then divorce, then the aftermath, I was not about church. I went on a couple of Easter Sundays and each Christmas service, but that's it.

This year has brought several major life changes (it's only July) and perhaps because of the enormity of these changes, my heart has been changing as well. I've been feeling an urging, a push if you will, toward the Holy. I've never lost it; I have misplaced it or put it on the back burner perhaps. My heart has hurt this year and I've found myself in unfamiliar territory. Territory I am uncomfortable with and territory that often has me on the losing side combating with myself and things, situations, people out in the world that has truly caused me sadness. I need more. I need the armor of protectiveness, of shelter, a place (a place whether it is a building, a book, or simply a quiet place to pray) to recharge and get the necessary supplies to continue the everyday job of living. Not just living, but living with purpose and joy and fulfillment.

My daughter is having a baby. This baby is my first grandchild, mine, not someone else's. I feel so blessed and extremely thankful for this gift of life given to our family. It's a girl. Her name is Caroline. Her 3 uncles will spoil her rotten. She will be their Princess and they will be her slaves!! Who am I kidding? We are all going to be her slaves! haha  My daughter has always professed she wasn't having children. Well, Missy, God has other plans for your life! Plus, the fact that this baby is a girl is a glorious "get you back." :) I knew it was a girl from the beginning. I never waivered in my "guess." I told K that if this were to be her only child, I know God is going to give her a girl just so she can know what her Mama went through all these years (and continues to go through with every passing day)! LOL This baby girl will be her treasure, her greatest gift. Baby C will change her life in ways too numerous to count. My girl is about to embark on the most meaningful journey of her entire life. THIS, THIS is my happiness right now. Waiting on this beautiful baby girl to get here so we can love her so completely. Due date: Sept. 7, 2019, stay tuned!

My girl, 34 weeks, with Baby C

My son, Jared, the one who got married 3 years ago, is now divorced. Did you know that in the state of WV it only takes 21 days to get a divorce? I sure didn't. He moved out Easter weekend. Many many things led up to this decision. Heartbreaking, for sure. Did my son's heartbreak into a million pieces? It did and sadly, has been breaking for three years. Is her heartbroken? Of course, it is. A union dissolved. A family torn apart. I don't think it is wrong to say it was a good decision, the best decision for both of them. Things happen and cannot be mended, cannot be undone. This happened in April and Jared joined the Army in June. The thing with the Army is this has been a dream for Jared since he was 15 years old. He has wanted to be a soldier. So on June 24, I drove to Beckley, WV, to spend some quality time with my soon-to-be Army Boy. I had to squeeze in as much time with him as I could get. I would've driven there if I only got five minutes with him. We got to go out to dinner together, hang out in the hotel until he had to be in his room at 10pm, and he came knocking on my door at 5:30am the next morning and plopped down on the bed just to wait out the 30 minutes before he had to leave for MEPS, the place where they are sworn in and get their orders for departure to begin the Army life. I met him there later to wait it out with him. I got to see him sworn in, take his oath. It was only the sergeant, him and me. A very emotional experience. 

Right before he swore to serve and protect.

SO PROUD.

Around 12:15, he got his orders to get in the van and load up. He was leaving for Ft. Benning in Columbus, GA. It was going to be a very long drive. We hugged. I told him how much I love him and how proud of him I felt and the next thing I know he is walking away toward a white van. Boy was my heart in my throat! Tears fell but there was nothing I could do to stop them. I was having to let go of my boy and give ALL trust to God to take care of him. I knew it was going to be a long road and very little communication. However, I was never so proud of him as I was at that moment. He, too, had to have courage, bravery, faith. He was leaving US behind. He was leaving the civilian life behind and taking on a very daunting, hard, selfless task... that of becoming a United States Soldier. 

Our military men and women swear this!

I read this quote recently and it hit me like a ton of bricks... this is now MY son...

"A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to the 'The United States of America' for an amount of 'up to and including my life.'" 

His LIFE. He has promised to defend our freedom, defend our country of any foreign enemy, domestic or abroad. He has promised to protect us, you and me, with his very life. He knows full well the risks and yet, he moved forward and is now doing the very things he swore he would do. I know there are some (how I don't know) who think very little of our military and do not give them the respect that they surely deserve. Please say nothing to me about it. 

So, fast forward nearly 5 weeks... I got a phone call this morning from Jared!!! I hadn't heard his voice since July 4th. He started basic training on July 5th so I have been desperate for any news since then. I answered the phone, heard his voice and I got all choked up. Happy, joyous tears began to fall. I told him to just talk because I knew our time was limited. How beautiful was the sound of his voice! He is doing well. He told me again how he felt this was where he was supposed to be. He couldn't imagine being anywhere else, doing anything else. I was relieved to hear those words. Oh, he's gotten yelled at, had to do extra PT (push-ups), gotten terrible blisters on his feet, and whatever else, but he is OK. He is happy and thriving and doing what he has always wanted to do. He went into the Army in the best shape of his life. I have no doubts he can complete each and every task. He is getting noticed for working hard, doing what he is told to do. He gives more than 100% and they are seeing it. We got off the phone and the damn broke. I cried and cried because I was so relieved, so happy to hear from him and know that HE is happy. Mercy, I was going to go to church, but I was having MY OWN CHURCH right then and there! I cried. I praised. I prayed and said a thousand thank yous to God. I said, "Alexa, play worship music!" So I sang. It's good that I sing by myself because I can't carry a tune in a bucket. Many would attest to that fact. I can't fully explain the joy that I felt deep in my soul, my heart. I just felt like shouting "Hallelujah" and praising the Father, the Holy One, for this fantastic gift. The gift of the phone call and hearing his voice, but so much more... the gift of this boy, this man, this soldier. I simply can't explain it. It will be another 3-4 weeks before he can call again, but we can write letters. I've written 7 letters so far and I'm going to keep writing.

I got another sort of call mid-week. It was my cousin, Jan, from Asheville. She had been trying to get in touch with me because her sister, Amy, was not doing well. Amy is two years older than me and my dear dear friend (also cousin of course, so we are family). Amy was diagnosed with breast cancer 14 months ago. Jan was calling to tell me how badly it had spread to so many other parts of her body and if I wanted to see her, I should come soon. Hospice was likely being called in this week. So I went to see her on Friday. I spent time with her. We laughed and talked. I haven't seen Amy in many years. Nothing had changed. We just picked right up. I'm going to write a separate post about this, but Amy was part of My Church this morning. I texted her a song, "I Can Only Imagine." She knows it and loves it. You see, Amy knows Jesus. What an absolute comfort! She then texted me a song that means a lot to her. The name of the song is "You Say" by Lauren Daigle. Listen to it here. She wrote, "it touched me." From Amy, that's HUGE! So what did I do? I played it loud and sang it loud with tears just running down my face thinking of her listening to these words and how these words touched her heart. I was having such a good church service this morning. I didn't GO to church as I had planned, but I sure went to church all the same! 

Ignore my "not ready" face, but just look at Amy's smile!

She is amazing!

Like I said, my heart has been so very heavy these many months, but today, I felt a window open and some fresh air whoosh in. It felt glorious, dare I say, victorious? Yes! Victorious! So, friends, you don't have to go to church to have Church. You can have it anywhere at anytime and oftentimes, it will be when you least expect it. These verses came to mind while I've been talking about joy and singing and church. They are found in Psalms. Psalms, after all, is full of songs... 

Psalms 121:

1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from?

2 My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. 

3 He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; 

4indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. 

5 The LORD watches over you— the LORD is your shade at your right hand; 

6the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. 

7 The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; 

8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

He watches over Jared and He is watching over Amy. I can't ask for more. 

I hope someday, somehow, your heart will be filled with this kind of joy. A joy that makes you cry happy tears for at least two hours. The kind of joy that makes you want to shout from the rooftops and listen to worship music and sing like no one is listening except you and God. Joy that makes you want to fall to your knees in thanksgiving. I know I won't feel this feeling every day and that's completely ok, but I have it TODAY and that is more than enough. 

He watches over you, too. 

Love, 

D~