The Weird and Unfamiliar Feels

I seem to be on this weird emotional rollercoaster.  I really can't figure out how it started or why, but it's the place I find myself these days. This is a long post. I am expressing my feelings, my thoughts. Please don't judge me or criticize me. Before I even began writing, I thought if I say what I really feel, there will be those who say, "Well, change it if that is how you feel. Do something about it. You don't have to stay there or do that. Find somewhere else. Do something else. Get out there." I almost changed my words and then I thought, "It doesn't matter what someone else thinks? This is my space. No one has to read it if they don't want to. Right?"  Right. :) Just wanted to say that first before *you* got too deep into the read and wondered if I'm alright. I am. I'm just trying to figure it out like the rest of the world.

There are days I cry... over movies, heart-warming stories, photographs of people I love, dumb TV shows, work, broken relationships, missing people, inspiring quotes, etc.. it could be any one of 1000 reasons. I watched a movie called "The Broken Road." It was totally heartwarming but WHOA... CRY!! I received an email from an old friend giving me an update about her life and the struggles, the triumphs, the wish to just sit and talk for hours. Tears. I watched American Idol and several times the stories of these young people just got to me... tears and more tears. The last several months have been hard. Hard/difficult in many ways/different ways, ways I'm not used to, unfamiliar thought territory so to speak, but there is this feeling, this place I've been in and I can't quite identify it. I might call a big chunk of it loneliness. Part of it I might call "hiding away" because it's the easiest thing to do. I am not happy with my current state. State of what you might ask? Well, emotional state, physical state, current outlook on life, lack of positivity, lack of energy, no real desire to "go and do" which is highly abnormal for me, no sense of direction, just an overall state of mind. I'm feeling very self-conscious. I feel ugly. I feel basically invisible. I have aches and pains that really hurt and this causes me stress because I don't want to feel aches and pains. I want to continue my healthy journey without any bumps in the road. I've been very blessed with good health (overall) my whole life. NOW after turning 56, it takes a turn?? What??? Why??? Why is this how it is? I don't like it. Doctors, PT, specialists all cost money. The bright flashing neon sign is constantly blinking in the background of my mind, "LIMITED BUDGET!" It screams at me all the time.  So it's easier to just stay home and be by myself. Pretend it will go away.

There is this other dimension in this place that I'm in and I call it "the missing." The missing of my family most of all. Good Lord, how I miss my grandmother! I want to talk to her so badly it hurts.  I miss my family... my grandfather (my forever hero), my aunt, the way life was when I had everyone I love "around me." I had people to call "my home." I had a home and I felt loved and safe there. They were my safe haven. I have no safe haven and that gets to me sometimes. (Of course, I have my own home of which I am extremely thankful.) I'm sure you get what I'm saying.  I miss my 3 brothers. I miss the relationships we could have and the good times, the support and encouragement we could be for one another, but it's just not happening. We all live so far away from each other and there seems to be very little effort to "grow the relationships" or even try to get together. Sad to admit, but it is the truth. I miss my own kids, especially the ones so far away. If I could have one wish it would be for all of us to live close together so that we could come together for birthdays, holidays, Sunday lunches, cookouts, whatever. I love the whatever. Just close enough so that all could gather whenever we wanted to or whenever necessary. Like I said, it's a dream, my dream. My kids might think otherwise! haha

A very different part of this missing phase is the fact that I am solely alone. I have never in my life felt the weight of this aloneness as I do now. Sometimes the weight of it barely phases me but then other times, like lately, the weight of being alone completely crushes me. Perhaps it is getting older (I know I'm not that old) that is causing me to feel this way. I really feel like I am missing out on so much in life... a partner, a companion, a soulmate, someone to hold my hand through the shallow waters as well as the deep. Someone to share life with all its ups and downs, the triumphs and the sorrows, simple communication on a daily basis, a person to be my person. I miss "that person." I don't know who that is or if there will ever be a "that person." I hope so. I want to find that peacefulness of being with another person. I want to be able to give to another what I want for myself. I know they don't just drop out of the sky. My doorbell isn't going to ring and I open to the door to my magical here-I-am-just-for-you man. It's not going to happen. I know I have to put myself out there but where is "out there" and how do I do that? What does "put yourself out there really mean?" Where do I start? Fear wins or it has been. Fear of the what ifs I suppose. I know to begin anything one simply has to start. I'm working on that. I've said it a million jillion times to myself or my friends, "Of all the 100s of people I know, is there not one person who can introduce me to a great guy they know?" I mean, C'mon! Surely. Then I think the reason that there is no one is that I'm not good enough or I don't fall into the required echelon of the desired society or I don't meet the expected criteria: skinny, blonde, big boobs, corporate job, able to climb mountains or run marathons, drink protein shakes for 2 out of 3 meals and do juice cleanses once a month... none of those things are me. Why can't I meet someone who likes what they see in me? Just me. See me? Maybe I'm not praying hard enough or praying the right words. I don't know. I just know I don't want to live the next 30 years with only a dog to keep me company.

 I also feel this sense of loss on the close friends and meaningful friendships front. The people themselves are still there but there is a shift in the sand so to speak. I feel the drift and that makes me sad. Relationships take a lot of work and if all participants stay on the drifting float then eventually everyone will be lost. I am tired of experiencing loss. I know LIFE happens on the daily and so much is beyond our control. I have the best friends in all the world, but I rarely see them, any of them. Even the ones that live here, we seldom get together. I know that we are all pulled in so many different directions. Our lives are in different places. My kids are grown and gone. My friends here are knee deep in raising their families or going to sporting events around the clock, or any number of kid responsibilities. I understand; I've been there done that. It just is what it is. Perhaps I should be in search of "older" friends who are experiencing these same kinds of feelings. I have several girlfriends who are right where I am in life but every single one of us lives in a different location far away from each other and each time a weekend is suggested nothing ever transpires. (the drifting part I was speaking about). Sometimes I just want to shout, "HELLO!! This life here on planet earth is short and getting shorter every day! We need to make this happen!!" I miss those sisters. I miss the deep connections and the real knowing about each other's lives--being there for each other. Being real and sharing life. I truly miss it. I miss the bond and meaningfulness of friendship and sisterhood. I feel I am a better person when I have all my sisters with me as we try to maneuver through this crazy beautiful life.

Another thing that has had me in a pit is my job. I'm a teacher. I teach 3rd grade. I used to love teaching. I wanted to be a teacher since I was a little girl. I knew I would teach one day. I have always loved children and teaching them. This school. These kids. This state and county. ALL of it is exhausting. Life-sucking day in and day out. Last week was so. much. Every week seems to be too much. There is always more. More asked of us, expected of us, more, more more. I was so stressed out and over it all. I mean when you have a parent, a volatile grandmother and a very tall brother walk into your classroom at 8:15 am causing a huge disturbance right in front of the entire class, enough disturbance that security had to be called and you're told to go in your room and lock the door, then it's pretty clear that "MORE" has arrived yet again. As I was leaving school to go home, my principal stopped me and asked, "Are you coming back on Monday?" LOL  A couple of weeks ago on a Friday afternoon leaving school my lip started tingling...I knew exactly what it was... one of those dreaded cold sores. I haven't had one of those monsters in a couple of years. Stress is the cause. I had to take 3 pills a day to tame the beast. The school where I teach is rough. Overall, the clientele, if you will, is rough and disrespectful and alarmingly bad. Quite honestly, I've never seen anything like it. I know there are many schools just like this one or worse, but this one is where I work 5 days a week. Day in and day out we do our best to teach these kids(as do so many other teachers all over the world), to show them love and understanding. But as I am sitting here on this beautiful Saturday writing this post, I already feel the dread of Sunday night because I know when I wake up the next morning I will have to get ready and "go there." I want to make a solid difference in these children's lives; I really do, but it is wearing on me. I spoke with HR about retirement but it's a long way off for me. I have to have as many years as I can get (and I need 9 more) with the state to make retirement worth it. So there's that and that is sad to me. Honestly, I'm not at all sure about making it 9 more years in this business. I would love to love what I do and be passionate about it and positive about it and want to carry the torch, but dear readers, my flame is barely a flicker right now.

During one of my weird emotional days this week, I came upon something as I was scrolling through my Instagram.  I read it, I thought, "Wow! This meets me right where I am." I sure needed to read this and I sure need to follow its advice! I am going to copy it word for word here because it is worth sharing and maybe it will help someone else begin to think differently and yes, there were more tears. This is from a site called "Wild Woman Sisterhood"...

"It often takes painful situations in life for us to become aware again of the abundance and magical opportunities life provides us. Many times we wait until something dramatic happens before we tune into the beauty and magical experiences of life on earth. We hide from the rain instead of feeling the deliciousness of letting her touch our bare skin. We tend to work too hard or focus intensely on personal growth that it becomes an obsession and we dig ourselves so deep into all the things we think we need to do, that we forget to enjoy this very moment. We forget that each moment we have on earth is an absolute gift waiting for us to be seen and fully lived. We wear ourselves out while we search for love, wealth, acceptance and by holding on to the past or fears, all things that can be healed and released if we give ourselves this opportunity and commit to it. Why do we wait to fully live and enjoy life? Why do we sabotage ourselves and get in our own way? Is it true that we have to wait until everything is perfect or can true fulfillment be found in each moment?" Tara Isis Gerris

 These words just spoke to me. I am totally guilty of not being tuned in to the magic and beauty of each moment. I want to do better/be better, but for whatever reason, I have had very little motivation to do anything that extends beyond my reach. No, we don't have to have perfect lives, or everything in its proper place to experience true fulfillment (happiness) in each moment. Every moment we are alive is a gift. All of our moments are just one big steady stream of reality. Wouldn't it be great to recognize our reality as one big steady stream of life-giving/affirming moments!?! My life, your life is a tiny bright spark in a very big world. All of the sparks together make for a stunning masterpiece. We each have a part. I'm struggling to figure mine out now. What is the plan for the rest of my life? What am I supposed to be doing? Where am I supposed to be? What is to be my happiness in this second half of my life? My mission? What is my usefulness and how can I make a difference?

I read this quote somewhere, "Life is a series of defining moments, crossroads and gateways as each door closes and new ones open. Always, all ways follow the heartbeat of your soul."

I feel I am at a crossroads. What doors will close and what new doors will open? Where I am now is not easy or simple or uncomplicated but then again I've no doubt thought the same thing about each phase of my life. I want to be ready to listen and really hear when the answers come my way. I want to follow my heartbeat. Where will it take me? Who will it lead me to?

Thanks for reading to the end,
D~