Orange is NOT the new Black

I have never once watched "Orange is the New Black" but I titled my post similar to this b/c well, the setting is the same... jail. 

For the past 3 months, we have had this REALLY BIG thing hanging over our heads. Truthfully, my youngest son has had this REALLY BIG thing hanging over HIS head and since it affects his life, it affects mine. I've debated whether or not to write about this, but I feel it's a good lesson to put out there. Plus, this "thing" has had its long ugly fingers wrapped around our necks for a lot of weeks. Back in January, while I was enjoying a girl's weekend at the beach, my son, while unbeknownst to me, was enjoying a weekend with some friends in the little town of Salisbury. His good friend attends college there. So what do typical college-aged boys do on the weekend? Well, they go to bars and drink and play pool and dance and hang out. These boys did just that except J drank way more than he should have and while all his friends were busy doing other things, J decided to walk out of the bar and wander out into the streets at 12:30am. Somehow he walked 10 blocks away from the bar. It was really cold and he had no coat and he was searching for his friend's house. He thought he found it and began banging on the door quite loudly thus scaring the occupant of the house half to death. J also broke a window in his intoxicated state. The homeowner called the police as he had every right to do so. The cops came and found J and arrested him. Yep, you heard that right. ARRESTED.

Insert every day since then... "I've been trying to figure out all day long what in the world is going on with me today. I went to work this morning and by 8:00 I was feeling as if my heart was going to jump out of my chest. It continued to get worse as the day went on... mostly due to the fact that nearly every kid in my class acted like they were jacked up on cases of straight up Mountain Dew. It has been raining all day long. Overall, it was a pretty horrible day. My emotions were all over the place and by 1:00, I actually thought I might be starting the "proverbial panic attack." I don't think I've ever had one; I sure know I've come close a few times, and today was one of those times. I was having what my children call "A Sneak Out Freak Out." This is what we have labeled our "anxiety to the max" episodes. I usually have all my inner parts under control and can work my way through whatever it is--today was not one of those days."

 That pretty much sums up how my days have gone since that late night phone call... On edge all the time. Short on patience (more than usual). Scared for my child and his future (jobs, school). Money--how would we afford an attorney, the court fees, etc... Is he going to be convicted for this and if he is, it will surely follow him the rest of his life. All thoughts from a mom who wanted to help him, fix this, shake him, shout at him and say, "What are you doing??" "Use your God-given brain!"

So the night he was arrested I was sound asleep with my phone ringer turned off dreaming of finding seashells the next day. Thankfully I had the phone on "vibrate" and it was charging right on the bed beside me. J's friend tried to call me two or three times before I heard the vibration sound and I looked at the number... "336"... my area code. I immediately thought, "This can't be good." (I've been down this road a time or two) I answered and it was Julian. "Ms. Garlow? Yes, Julian. Jacob has been arrested. Are you kidding me? No, I'm not. WHAT??? WHY is he even there? How did he get there? He has no car." And so our conversation continued for a bit until I could wrap my mind around what he was telling me. He said, "What do you want me to do?" He then explained about "bailing him out." The cost, how they would get the money, etc...  I hung up the phone and went immediately into Katie's room and burst into tears. I cried hard. I was several hours away and there was nothing I could do at the moment to help my son. I felt helpless and mad and sad and totally unraveled. I thought, "Again? You've got to be kidding me! He has done something else stupid? When is this kid going to grow up and stop doing this crap!?" I was at a loss as to what to do. I told Julian to call me back as many times as he needed to until we figured something out. In the meantime, Jacob was taken to the County jail and booked--fingerprinted, mug-shot, the works. They made him change out of his street clothes and what did he get to wear? Yep, the proverbial orange jumpsuit. They took his wallet, his phone, whatever he had on him. He was now incarcerated. I got myself together and tried calling Jacob's dad. It was now 3:00am. He didn't answer. I called him over and over and over and no answer. I set my alarm every hour on the hour to call him. He finally returns my call at 8:00 am. I was not in the best state of mind at this point. (you can well imagine) My son had been in jail all night and I had no idea what was happening to him or how he was doing, nothing. John says he didn't have his phone turned on. (shocker!--dripping with sarcasm btw) OK. Well, maybe you should keep it close in case there's an emergency with your children. I asked him if he could go see Jacob because he was much closer than I was at the time. He wouldn't go. He said, "He needs to learn his lesson." Maybe he did need to learn a lesson but that was not the thing to say to an upset mother worried about her child. I did get him to at least call the jail and speak to someone.

I packed up my stuff, said goodbye to Katie and apologized profusely for having to leave early, but I had to go. Had. To. Go. There was no question that I would go. I drove to Salisbury but missed visiting hours. I got there about 15 minutes too late. I called and spoke with an officer and he at least told me Jacob was OK; he was safe and officers kept watch all the time. Keep in mind this is day 2 and the option of putting up bail was still there, but we decided not to do it. I mean, John already had decided he wasn't going to bail him out. It was me that had to come to grips with it. Have you ever had to leave your kid in jail? If you have, you totally get how awful it is. If you haven't, I pray you never do. Leaving him in jail was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do as a parent. I thought my heart would break, and it did break. I at least knew he was safe and had food to eat if he wanted it. I was a ball of nerves. I could have gotten the money to get him out, but would he have learned from this experience what he needed to learn or do I leave him in there to do nothing but think about this mess he got himself into? I got a hotel room for the night because we had to be in court at 9am the next morning and I wasn't going to drive back to WS and take the chance on being late. John said he would meet me at the courthouse. Thank God. Around 10pm, I got a request for a collect phone call. It was Jacob. His voice was shaky and I gave a silent shout of praise that I was really hearing his voice. I knew he was scared and very much alone. He told me he didn't remember any of the events that he was being charged with... he had no idea how he even got to this man's house. He didn't remember breaking a window, why he was being arrested, how he got in jail, none of it. He had to ask an officer why he was there. The outcome of this incident could have been very different. He had wandered into a bad part of town. He was attempting to "break and enter." He could have been shot. He could have been killed. I can't even begin to tell you how many prayers of thanks I prayed. I gave Jacob every word of encouragement I could think of and reassured him we would be at the courthouse in the morning. "I love you, Jacob. I love you too, Mom." On my drive from the beach to Salisbury, I called a lawyer. His dad had no plans of getting a lawyer to help Jacob. In fact, his dad had no plans of helping him at all. "His mess. He needs to fix it." He has a "hands-off" approach to our children. Whatever. Thank God Mr. R agreed to represent Jacob. Things would not have worked as well as they did without his help. The attorney knows Jacob very well. His son is Jacob's good friend.

Jacob had warned me ahead of time that when he entered the courtroom he would be dressed in the Orange Jumpsuit, handcuffed and shackled. I cried when he told me. I tried to prepare myself. I prayed and asked God to please help me keep it together. I didn't want to burst into tears at the sight of him. We waited in the courtroom for over 2 hours before his attorney arrived and Jacob was escorted in. I watched him walk in and I could see that he was embarrassed. I just made sure to keep breathing. I didn't cry. I just sat and watched him and wondered how this was all going to turn out. I was worried. The judge cut Jacob a break and let him go with no bond. It had been set at $2000. We didn't have to pay anything. M, the attorney, said it was because Jacob had representation and because both of his parents were there. Thank you, Jesus!! At this point, I would have gotten a second mortgage on my house. He was not going to stay another second in that jail. Dad or no dad's input on the matter. I had decided the night before that 2 nights in jail was aplenty. My son was going to come home with me come hell or high water.

I drove him home. He talked. He told me what it was like to be in jail. How completely horrible it was and how he thought he was going to lose his mind from being "locked away" with nothing but books to read. No TV.  No phone. No way to communicate with anyone. No way out. He said he kept to himself. He didn't eat. He did read an entire book! ha He barely spoke to anyone. He said if he had to be in there for any length of time, he would rather be dead. In other words, lesson came through loud and clear. Hallelujah! Of course, time will tell, but that experience changed him and it most definitely has made him think about his life and his choices. So parents, when you have to invoke "tough love" on your children, I get it. I know, but be strong and carry through. The heartbreak of it will bring you to your knees and you will feel like the worst parent on the planet, but take heart... it will be worth it. PS. In case you don't know, the county jail is 20x worse than "regular jail." It's a fact.

We had to appear in court two more times before this was settled once and for all. That meant I had to take two more days off from work. I guess I didn't HAVE to, but I didn't want him going to court by himself. I was scared. I KNOW he was scared about all of it. He's mine. I'm his mom. I'll be there. Jacob wanted desperately to apologize to this man; he wanted to tell him in person how very sorry he was for scaring him and for damaging his property; he wasn't that kind of kid/person. Jacob wanted to give him the money to fix his window. I think it weighed heavy on his mind each and every day. Jacob has good friends, but he also has fantastic relationships with their parents and some of these parents have connections. One such parent is a respected policeman in WS--many years. He talked to Jacob almost every day the last 2-3 weeks leading up to the final court date. He told him how much he believed in him and knew he was so much more than these charges. He was a good kid and wanted to help him get past this. He did. He made calls. He told Jacob to write a letter to this man. Mostly, he encouraged Jacob and told him it would be alright and he would get past this and to let this be a lesson/stepping stone to better choices, a better way of living. This dad was so kind and helpful and I will forever be grateful to him for what he did for my boy. He told Jacob to "pay it forward" someday. I know Jacob will never forget the love and kindness given to him by this dad of his friend. He will "pay it forward" someday. I believe it.

The last court date was set for April 23rd. Jacob was due to fly to Washington State for a job with Olympic National Park on April 26th. He had already missed the first scheduled flight due to a rescheduled court date. We were praying this really would be "it." We got there on time. The man was supposed to be there as well. The lawyer wasn't going to be there until 11:30. We watched all the people coming into the courtroom. We wondered who the man was... would we know him and how could we get to him to allow Jacob to give him the letter he had written and to speak to him. I picked him out. When court broke for recess, I kind of stalked him to see if I could determine it was really him. I overheard him talking to an officer and BAM! It WAS HIM. I immediately walked up to this man and asked him if he was Mr. S. He was. I introduced myself and then went to get Jacob. I watched my son as he took complete ownership of his mistake. I listened to him apologize and be humble and put himself at the mercy of this man whom he had wronged. This was a man talking to another man. The man listened to Jacob, talked to him, and then I watched the power of forgiveness take place. I almost dropped to my knees right then and there. He actually told Jacob, "I forgive you." WOW!!! He told him he would not press charges. He advised him to make some changes in his life. Be more than this. He told Jacob he understood what it was to be young and make a mistake. Now you need to learn from it. Jacob brought $170 with him to pay for the window he broke. The man showed him the bill and it was $200. I didn't have any cash. Jacob thought he had some money in his phone case back in the car. We walked to the car to check. He had exactly $30 in that case. Thank you, Lord, once again. So back to the courtroom. Lawyer arrived. Mr. S was called up front. The DA, lawyer and Mr. S all talking. Then Jacob called up front. The judge makes his ruling. The case was not dismissed but Jacob was NOT convicted of a crime. "No conviction," he says. Court fees of $235, and yes, Jacob paid it. Done in a matter of minutes. Praise and Hallelujah! So bottom line, Jacob will always have to answer "yes" if an application says, "Have you ever been charged with a crime?" If an application says, "Have you ever been convicted of a crime?", he will be able to answer, "NO."

Jacob was a "free man" so to speak. He now could move forward with his job plans. I think he took this job in WA because it would be different. He would be getting out of WS and getting out of his comfort zone. I think he also knew he needed to get away from "things" for a while. Do some growing up and some serious thinking about his future. Jacob has been in a funk about what to do with his life, what direction he should take, etc... School. He hates it. No amount of coaxing or talking had any impact on the "no school" decision. My youngest is wandering and trying to find his place in this great big world. He will. I know he will and I'm trying to be understanding and patient, but I want him to hurry it up! HA I want him to be happy and successful at whatever he chooses. This boy has so so much potential and he is good at whatever he tries/does. The problem lies within him. So I will keep praying for him and encouraging him and supporting him in whatever ways I can. He will get there I have no doubt.

If you are a parent with a struggling child, I feel ya. I get it. I do know that I will never wear another piece of orange clothing ever again!! I raise my hands in salute to all the badass parents out there.
WE ROCK!

D~