There Once Was a Boy

I don't know about you, but sometimes I think about past boyfriends/past relationships. (back in the day so to speak) I wonder where they are, who they married or if they married. How many kids do they have? What kind of job? Are they happy people now? And an even bigger question in my mind is "What do they look like now?" (shallow, I know. ha)  These are all things I'm curious about; I'd like to know.  Maybe it is more of a girl thing. I don't know. Some of those boyfriends lasted longer than others (for good reason) and some I enjoyed while we were together and when the relationship was over I was Okay with it. Like alrighty, that was fun but I'm ready for the next adventure. I've had a couple that really broke my heart. Then there was that one. The one who should've been "the one." Yep, I have one of those. I have rarely spoken about this person. My kids don't know this story. Most of my friends don't know this story. This "the one" is an Asheville boy. I'm an Asheville girl. Katie knows the story. She has known it from the beginning. So for the last umpteen years, we have talked about "him," and "what might have been." Since my divorce, she has been on a mission to find him. A couple of weeks ago she did.

Thanks to Facebook many who have been lost have been found. She took a screenshot of his page and sent it to me. When I opened her message and saw his face "right there"--right in front of me, my heart rate must've skyrocketed. I was so excited. I immediately private messaged him and it wasn't long till he messaged me back. You would have thought I was back in high school--heart all aflutter, mind racing, remembering, wondering and thinking, "I can't believe it. He's been found!"

Let's go back...

We met when I was about to be a senior in high school and he was about to be a junior. We went to different high schools. This would have been 1979. We were the same age; I was just a year ahead in school. My best friend (Katie) introduced him to me because they were friends and she thought we would "hit it off." We so did. I thought he was so good looking and more than anything else, he was nice. Kind. Fun. Our first date was a dinner date and a movie. We ate dinner at Red Lobster on Tunnel Rd. and from that date on, we were two peas in the same pod. We created a memory book of adventures for the next several years. We were young, a mere 16 years old. All I wanted to do was be with him, talk to him, kiss him, hold his hand. It didn't matter what we did, we had the best time together.

I graduated from HS in 1980 and we had the summer. In August, I went off to college in TN, and he started his senior year in Asheville. We barely spoke or saw each other during those school months, but when I came home on break or for the summer, we always found our way back to each other. We kept this up for the next 4 years--on when I was home--off when I went back to school. I guess our relationship was a little different. I honestly don't know why we were that way because we obviously had a "thing." We weren't one of those couples who were always together mainly because I was rarely home. We wrote letters on occasion. In fact, as I was packing to move last June, I found one of his letters to me. It was dated "1982." I even took a picture of it and sent it to Katie saying, "OMG! You are never going to believe what I just found!" He wrote the sweetest letter to me. It meant a great to deal to me otherwise I wouldn't have held on to it for 36 years. I mean, what in the world!?! I got married in 1984 and it's now 2018. I still have that letter!! I also have his high school picture. I remember his birthday. What the heck??? Right.

One of the things (and there were many) that I loved about him was that we enjoyed doing many of the same things. He liked to dance. I love to dance. He liked the beach, the lake, boats, swimming, all things I love. We drove to Lake James one time with Katie and ? for the day and stayed on the water or in the water for hours and hours. That is one of my most favorite memories of us. We have beach memories together. We never went to the beach together but we were there at the same time on a couple of different occasions and we always ended up together somehow. After work at good ole Ingles' grocery store, Katie and I would go out to the car and get our "going out clothes, " run back in and change in the bathroom, and zoom on over to the Sly Fox, a super fun place to hang out and dance our asses off. For all you Ashevilleians, it was in the mini strip by the Peddler Steak House on Tunnel Rd. :) My guy would be there and we would hit the dance floor. Side note: my grandmother thought dancing was of the devil. All this fun I talk about having is totally on the down low. She would've had a conniption. However, my aunt was in on our "dancing adventures." We would go to her house sometimes to change clothes and she lived not 200 feet from my grandparents! hahaha I thought I was really living on the edge. Well, truth be told there is A LOT they didn't know. Anyway, what I'm saying is we were good together, he and I. We fell hard but we never told each other how we really felt. When I look back, I think our feelings were "just there." Sadly, that wasn't enough.

Like I said, our relationship was different. In college, I dated other people and I'm sure he did too, but when I was home I saw him. It wasn't even a lot of times, but the times we were together I felt alive and free. He was good for me and he became a part of the fabric of my life. He was a thread, a very vibrant color, woven into my tapestry. Permanent. Never to be forgotten. I didn't realize it then, but things were about to change. We had a wonderful summer before my senior year of college. Yes, I was dating my would-be husband but he lived in WV and was not coming back to school. I was beginning to feel as if I were drifting away from him and I was so looking forward to college without him there. I realize that may sound terrible, but I just wanted the freedom to be me, not me with him if that makes sense. Plus, WRJ was all I could think about. You already know how this story ends, but I think choosing another did something irrevocable inside of me. John showed up to see me not even a week into the beginning of school. It was a surprise to me. He proposed. I said, "no." I didn't think I was ready to be engaged, nor did I think he was really "the one." However, a day later I did say "yes." My grandmother laid a major guilt trip on me and that's all it took. I wasn't as brave and vocal at 20 as I am now. Other events transpired that weekend that absolutely sealed the deal and in my closed in small box of a world, I thought I had no other choice. WRJ found out about the engagement through Katie and that was that. My fate was on a very different trajectory. Less than a year later, I was married.

All that to say this... there are some relationships that you never forget; you never get over. You don't want to "get over it." You even wish for a do-over. "This boy" has been a part of me since 1979. Oh, we lived our lives. He got married, two kids, grandkids. I got married, 4 kids, grandkids. We have lived our lives and carried on, but I never stopped thinking about him and wondering where we would be if I had held fast to that "no." I did experience some good times in my marriage and I have four of the greatest gifts of my life and would never change that because then I wouldn't have exactly them. Since my divorce, I've done a lot of soul-searching. I've tried to figure out why it didn't work for John and me. Why was it that I couldn't love him completely and without reservation? Why did we always end up hurting each other with our actions and words? I mentioned previously that some things happened that made me believe my fate was sealed. I was so young and so naive and without a mind of my own that I just accepted it. I made choices that changed my life forever. I preach "choices" to my children all the time. We live our lives by the choices we make--good or bad. We also live with the consequences of our choices--good or bad. I believe that because of those choices back in 1983, something cataclysmic happened to me, happened to my heart, my psyche. (This had nothing to do with WRJ) Unknowingly I built a barrier between John and me. My heart was broken and I tried to put band-aids on it and say it was "all good," said I would be happy; I would make this work. I had to make it work. Except everything was far from OK. That's how I started married life. Filled with guilt and reservations and an anger and a blame that I didn't realize was even there until much later. Our marriage was kind of doomed before it ever began. I even knew it on my wedding day. I have also come to realize that I never fully gave my whole heart to John. Partly because of "said events," but mostly because it belonged to another. The real heart of me. I didn't know it. I had no clue that's what it was. I was devastated to lose him. I look back on it now and realize I actually grieved the loss of him for a very long time, maybe I am still grieving that loss. I could never grasp why things were so hard for John and me. Why didn't we love like two people in love should love? I loved him, yes, but in our case, love was not enough. I couldn't understand it. I finally understand now. After 30 years of marriage and almost 6 years apart, I finally know the answer and it is sad and it is just another heartbreak because I wanted our marriage to work out and tried so hard at it. John did as well. I can't find fault with him about that. He was definitely more invested than I was (for awhile), but that broken part of me never healed and somewhere in my subconscious, I held it against him. I built a wall between us and it stayed for over 30 years. Things happened over the years that caused the cement to harden. It was the only defense I had against the pain and the hurt. Build it and pour steel over it and nothing or no one can't get in. Thankfully I have learned and I have grown and I have forgiven. It makes all the difference. I also had to forgive myself. That is much harder to do.

Fast forward:

We have been "talking" (messaging) the last couple of weeks. We have done some catching up. There are circumstances in his life that he isn't ready to tell me about and that's okay. Everyone processes in their own way. Everyone has to work through the sludge in their own time. He is currently unavailable. When I messaged him, I had heard otherwise. It has been a surprise gift being back in touch. He said something about it being like a double-edged sword. I guess it is. The memories, the loss, the love, the joy, the strong wish that things could be different, the regret, all the longing to want to do it all over again. Yes, a double-edged sword indeed! However, it has also been a "life boost" for me and he said basically the same thing. He is not in a good place right now. I totally get it. I wish for him only happiness. If he wants it to work out, I hope it does. Everyone deserves to be happy and to be loved. It's good that both of us smile when we think of our past. It was all so good. We were so good.

I have made it through the worst time of my life. Every day is a new day. I still struggle with some things, but there is more sunshine than rain these days. He is still trying to figure it out. I know what I want. He is struggling with deciding where he thinks he needs to be vs. where he wants to be. I know that I will never again just "accept" things. I will never again pretend to be someone other than who I am. I will never again make a choice or a decision based on whether or not someone (people/myself)  thinks "it's the right thing to do." What I thought was the right thing back in 1983, turned out to be the absolute worst thing in the long run. It took its toll on a young girl and without her knowledge, broke her mind, body, and spirit. It wrecked havoc on her marriage, her emotions, her ability to love and be free to communicate and be confident and brave and strong. She failed herself most of all. I can't get those years back but I can move forward from this moment on. I can teach my daughter to love herself more, be true to who she is and never be afraid to do what is exactly right for her. Don't care what everyone else thinks. You may hurt someone's feelings now, but you will save your life and saving is better than dying. Believe in you and what you know in your heart. I knew in the very depths of my heart that I should have held firm with the "no" but I let guilt and the fear of disappointment and others guide MY life. It was MINE to decide and MINE to live. I messed up. Life is hard. So hard. We look back and think, "Wow! If only I had done things differently," or "What if..." but we can't live a happy life continually stuck in that mindset, can we? No. I want a happy life. A purposeful life. I want to really feel an all-consuming love and let it wash over me in waves. Continuous and steady and strong. I am such a different person now. I would love to be with him. He has so much he needs to work through. Whatever happens, yay or nay, I told him he has a friend for life. I do know that he cares for me every bit as much as I care for him and he did back then too. Somehow that fills my heart. The knowing. We were babies back then with no clue of the treasure we had in each other.

Sometimes it takes going the long road to come full circle. A person has to take the long way home to realize where Home was all along. Throughout this long arduous process, I have learned to give myself grace. I had to otherwise I would never have come out of this a whole person. The person I am today would make very different choices than the ones I made over 30 years ago, but what I've learned is to let it go and try to make every day better in some way. There is a lot of stuff deep down inside me that I've had to deal with and process over the last several years. Being alone forces you to "go there" and figure it out. It's a painful process but for the first time, I am learning who I am. I am learning that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I am brave and I am courageous because I will it to be so. I pray a lot. I believe that faith and determination and a very strong will can get you through anything. I want him to get through this rough time and figure things out. Life is a beautiful journey and being unhappy and miserable is a horrible way to spend each of one's God-given days. None of us know the "day nor the hour" and there is so much life to live. There is love to be found and shared. So many wonderful adventures to take part in. There is joy in living. There is joy in remembering.
It has been good to travel down this path and remember all the feelings and the fun with him. He was my "the one."

Maybe the day will come or maybe it won't but I know I will continue on my path moving forward.

 Purpose. Joy. Happiness. Thankful. Determined. Hopeful.

All the while remembering to give myself some grace from time to time and to love like I've never been hurt...

D~