Every Christmas Has A Story
I was going through the "not done" posts on my blog and came across this one from last Christmas. I never finished it. :( I'm going to finish and post it because there are some things on here worth remembering, foremost for me. It won't be a long post but that's OK. I started this blog in 2013 for the sole purpose of surviving the days without drugs or therapists or one continuous blackout. Starting this blog was therapy for me--IS therapy for me. It started as a way to work through a devastation. An ending. A crushing heartbreak. Now I think it is more of a chronicling of my life; a way to express my feelings and share my thoughts. It is a way for me to remember my life's events and happenings. What I'm going through or thinking about or feeling. I talk about what is important to me, who is important to me. Basically, I let the world into my mind, my heart and sometimes my soul. So, on to this "old" story...
Christmas 2016...
Every Christmas does indeed have a story... 2016 is the Christmas that almost wasn't...at least in my heart. If you know me at all, you know that I'm practically "Mrs. Claus," but not this year. This was
a very different Christmas in a very difficult year. I woke up Christmas morning minus one of my children. First time EVER. I mean, it's part of the way things go when one's children marry and move away, but it's still really strange. It was sure rough on my heart. I was up before anyone. I still had gifts to wrap and stockings to stuff. Thankfully I had made breakfast the night before so we were good to go in the food department.
Once everything was done, I sat quietly with my cup of coffee, all the lights turned off except for the pretty Christmas tree and my fake fireplace. I wanted a few moments to think about things, soak in Christmas before it was gone. As I sat there, I thought about all the things that were different about this Christmas. Some of the things were small differences, but other things were major!
1. The biggest change was that this was the first Christmas without my aunt. She died on November 20th. I really missed her. I missed going to Asheville with the kids to visit her and take her the homemade fudge she loved so much and the chocolate covered cherries that I bought for her every year. I didn't even make fudge this year! Another "first time ever."
2. Jared wasn't home. His stocking hung on the mantle, but no Jared.
3. I didn't decorate our Christmas tree this year. Jared and Marenda did it for me when I had to go to Asheville the week of Thanksgiving to plan funeral arrangements. Jared put the lights on the tree and Marenda was in charge of the ornaments. I was very thankful to have that done for me. My heart wasn't in it. I didn't even want to do it.
4. The Pickle didn't make it on the tree so therefore, it wasn't hidden, and that meant the kids didn't have a race on Christmas morning to see who could find it. The first one to find the Pickle got to be the first one to open a present. We have done this little competitive tradition since 1996. When we lived in Parkersburg, WV, our neighbor, Mrs. Adams, who lived directly across the street from us, gave us our first Pickle and she explained the story behind it. Mrs. Adams unknowingly gave us a gift that my kids would enjoy and treasure for many years... and still do.
5. I made the decision not to cook Christmas dinner. (pick yourself up) I figured it was just the four of us, so why cook all that food just to be wasted. Not to mention, it would take me half the day to prepare and the kids probably wouldn't eat much anyway. So you know what we did? We went out for Chinese! We sure did. I have some friends who own a small Chinese Take Out or Eat In restaurant. We went there and the world didn't collapse on top of itself and neither did any of the rest of us.We did something so very different from our "usual" but we survived it. We may not have liked it, but we did it. There's something to be said for that.
6. My kids leave every Christmas Day around 3:00 to go to their dad's house for dinner. I made no plans for the time when they wouldn't be here. Let me just say, I will NEVER do that again. I was home alone for the rest of Christmas Day; it was not good for me. I fell into a super slump and was so incredibly sad. I vowed right then and there to never let this "being alone without some kind of plan" happen again. It was awful.
7. I never made it to Asheville to visit my "not by birth" family... Katie, Charlie, and Chandler. I always go to her house and she comes to mine, but not this year. Like I said, I was in a funk from all the months of "hard hits." They kept coming one right after the other and honestly, I couldn't take it anymore, so I shut myself off from everyone and everything. I did only what was required of me and not a smidge more.
Like I said, this was the Christmas that almost wasn't. (totally could be a movie title just not Hallmark b/c there is no "love interest" in this particular movie) We all know every Hallmark movie has a love interest--maybe one day "my movie" will have one too. I am thankful I made it through it and there were some good parts of the season. I chose to hold those close and just keep moving from one day to the next. New Year's came and went without any hoopla as well. Then January and February...by March things started to turn around and my heart began to thaw a little bit. I was beginning to feel like I might be okay. I just needed to persevere and keep moving forward whether I wanted to or not. I realized I had more in me than I thought. I also realized that it's only me in this fight for survival right now and if there is going to be a happy ending, then it's up to me and only me to make sure it happens. So that's what I did. I pulled up my bootstraps and began the march. And here I am celebrating the birth of 2018. A new year. New Beginnings. Challenges, joys, heartbreaks, adventures... I'm ready.
I get a pass on one Christmas. That's it.
Love,
D~
Christmas 2016...
Every Christmas does indeed have a story... 2016 is the Christmas that almost wasn't...at least in my heart. If you know me at all, you know that I'm practically "Mrs. Claus," but not this year. This was
a very different Christmas in a very difficult year. I woke up Christmas morning minus one of my children. First time EVER. I mean, it's part of the way things go when one's children marry and move away, but it's still really strange. It was sure rough on my heart. I was up before anyone. I still had gifts to wrap and stockings to stuff. Thankfully I had made breakfast the night before so we were good to go in the food department.
Once everything was done, I sat quietly with my cup of coffee, all the lights turned off except for the pretty Christmas tree and my fake fireplace. I wanted a few moments to think about things, soak in Christmas before it was gone. As I sat there, I thought about all the things that were different about this Christmas. Some of the things were small differences, but other things were major!
1. The biggest change was that this was the first Christmas without my aunt. She died on November 20th. I really missed her. I missed going to Asheville with the kids to visit her and take her the homemade fudge she loved so much and the chocolate covered cherries that I bought for her every year. I didn't even make fudge this year! Another "first time ever."
2. Jared wasn't home. His stocking hung on the mantle, but no Jared.
3. I didn't decorate our Christmas tree this year. Jared and Marenda did it for me when I had to go to Asheville the week of Thanksgiving to plan funeral arrangements. Jared put the lights on the tree and Marenda was in charge of the ornaments. I was very thankful to have that done for me. My heart wasn't in it. I didn't even want to do it.
4. The Pickle didn't make it on the tree so therefore, it wasn't hidden, and that meant the kids didn't have a race on Christmas morning to see who could find it. The first one to find the Pickle got to be the first one to open a present. We have done this little competitive tradition since 1996. When we lived in Parkersburg, WV, our neighbor, Mrs. Adams, who lived directly across the street from us, gave us our first Pickle and she explained the story behind it. Mrs. Adams unknowingly gave us a gift that my kids would enjoy and treasure for many years... and still do.
5. I made the decision not to cook Christmas dinner. (pick yourself up) I figured it was just the four of us, so why cook all that food just to be wasted. Not to mention, it would take me half the day to prepare and the kids probably wouldn't eat much anyway. So you know what we did? We went out for Chinese! We sure did. I have some friends who own a small Chinese Take Out or Eat In restaurant. We went there and the world didn't collapse on top of itself and neither did any of the rest of us.We did something so very different from our "usual" but we survived it. We may not have liked it, but we did it. There's something to be said for that.
6. My kids leave every Christmas Day around 3:00 to go to their dad's house for dinner. I made no plans for the time when they wouldn't be here. Let me just say, I will NEVER do that again. I was home alone for the rest of Christmas Day; it was not good for me. I fell into a super slump and was so incredibly sad. I vowed right then and there to never let this "being alone without some kind of plan" happen again. It was awful.
7. I never made it to Asheville to visit my "not by birth" family... Katie, Charlie, and Chandler. I always go to her house and she comes to mine, but not this year. Like I said, I was in a funk from all the months of "hard hits." They kept coming one right after the other and honestly, I couldn't take it anymore, so I shut myself off from everyone and everything. I did only what was required of me and not a smidge more.
Like I said, this was the Christmas that almost wasn't. (totally could be a movie title just not Hallmark b/c there is no "love interest" in this particular movie) We all know every Hallmark movie has a love interest--maybe one day "my movie" will have one too. I am thankful I made it through it and there were some good parts of the season. I chose to hold those close and just keep moving from one day to the next. New Year's came and went without any hoopla as well. Then January and February...by March things started to turn around and my heart began to thaw a little bit. I was beginning to feel like I might be okay. I just needed to persevere and keep moving forward whether I wanted to or not. I realized I had more in me than I thought. I also realized that it's only me in this fight for survival right now and if there is going to be a happy ending, then it's up to me and only me to make sure it happens. So that's what I did. I pulled up my bootstraps and began the march. And here I am celebrating the birth of 2018. A new year. New Beginnings. Challenges, joys, heartbreaks, adventures... I'm ready.
I get a pass on one Christmas. That's it.
Love,
D~
That was sad. I am glad this year was better. So are so good at chronicling your life!
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