The Interim

It has been such a relaxing few weeks... since moving out of the rental house that sold and moving into this wonderful temporary abode. This "abode" has been a haven, a true haven. Folks, I was exhausted both mentally and physically. I didn't realize how bad off I was until I finally stopped for a few minutes and those few minutes turned into hours and days and now weeks. It has been a slow rejuvenation but I can feel it. I feel myself coming back from a dark place. I can tell there is a difference in my thinking, in the way I feel, and maybe, just maybe there is some "new self" coming to the surface.

I am so ready to move into my new home. MINE. It's getting closer... 3 more weeks. June 15th is the date set for the closing. I can't believe it. After waiting sooooo long, the day is almost here. I'm getting anxious but in a good way. I just want to START, to begin. Every beginning has to have a start. I feel like this move into my own home will be my start. I had a bit of a setback this week. My son and I were in the car headed to find him some new shoes and out of the blue he says, "Did you know Dad found a house?" I said, "No, where is it?" He told me and we looked it up on the Internet and as irony would have it, he and his new wife moved into that new house on this same day. My son didn't know it. He found out through a text message from his dad. Let me just say that when I saw that house and how grand it is and how much it cost, I nearly crumpled into a pile and sobbed my eyes out. I'm not gonna lie; it was a gut punch. However, I couldn't do that with my son in the car. It's good that he was with me because I really didn't want to 'go there.' I did stew for a long time though. I saw how big and nice and expensive that house is and I couldn't help but think how he screwed me over and this was HIS REWARD for doing so. Not sure how things happen like that but they do. Happens all.the.time. How can that be fair? How is that right? Plain and simple, it isn't, and life isn't fair and many times it's not right either. We were married for 32 years and so many times I would ask for something for the house or later when we could afford it, one of the things I asked for was a screened in porch, practically begged for one, and I never got it. Now he buys a house that costs $$$$$ and all is affordable. I thought, "Why in the world do two 54-year-old people need a house that big? A yard that is nearly an acre? In a sub-division with a clubhouse and a pool. Is it to gloat? Is it to show off and send a message, 'Look what we can get!' Then I knocked myself in the head and said, "Ok, stop right now!" In reality though, if one's riches or rewards are gained by hurting another (or others), is it really a reward? My girl had some wise words to offer me. She said, "Comparison is the thief of joy. You could be miserably married in a mansion or proud of the house you bought all by yourself. It's really important and you should be proud of what you accomplished." She is totally right.

"Comparison is the thief of joy"...

It really is, ya know. We do it every day in a million different ways and for what reason? It can only serve to defeat and make one miserable or sad or depressed, etc... For sure it isn't anything positive. So as I continued my stewing session, I had to talk to myself, but before that, I had to share the news and the "Can you believe this?" complete with photos of this new house with some of my friends so they could reaffirm my shock and disbelief (misery loves company). THEN I proceeded on with my pep talk reminding myself that I did, in fact, purchase a house, a nice house, all by myself. *I* did it. I searched for months. I was online every single day trying to find houses to go see with my realtor. I went to many open houses; I went and toured many homes looking for just right the one. It took a long time and there were some discouraging days where I thought it was never going to happen and then one day it did happen. We found it. Although I was elated, the stress of purchasing a home was overwhelming! ha Seriously. I was stressed to the max about all of it. I say *I* did it but I had some excellent people helping me. One, my realtor, who happens to be a dear friend. She was and is awesome! She took me out to look at houses anytime I wanted to go. She listened to me complain and she listened to me when I was afraid we would never find anything I liked or could afford. She made the process fun for me. If we went into a house she had no problem telling me, "Oh, no, Dawn. This isn't it." She was very honest and I loved that about her. We have a lot of the same tastes so I trusted her opinion completely. We laughed and carried on and enjoyed our time together. I knew she had my best interest at heart. Secondly, I also have a fantastic loan officer. Getting a mortgage is not for Sissies!! Going into the biggest debt of one's life is enough to put a person well over the edge and then some. This guy was so patient. I had a million questions and he answered every single one of them and then I would ask the same questions again (and probably a third time) and still, he remained professional and kind and patient with me. Remember, I was a complete dummy about financial matters, financial anything. I don't feel like a dummy anymore. :) I even had to take an online course about becoming a Homeowner before I could get my loan. I squawked about it, but after I did it, I was like, "Hmm. That was really good and I'm glad I had to do that." Every person buying a home should have to take it. It's that good. Anyway, he has walked me through every step of the process and has been available anytime I had concerns or needed advice, etc... Having people around you that know what they're doing is invaluable. With me just being me, I have to have good people supporting me.

 I want to include this poem I read several months back on someone else's blog. I copied it and saved it knowing I would use it one day. It sums up *me* and this very long difficult journey I've been on for five years now. Life has all but crushed me, threatened to overtake me, send me packing with my tail between my legs. Blow after blow has been thrown at me, hard knock-the-breath-out-of-me punches, but still, I rise. I've become a very strong fighter. I can even block some punches now and throw some back with pretty good force. Every day is another day to become stronger, wiser, more resilient. I've got a decent bounce.

Still I Rise by Rosephanye Powell

I have been wounded, aching heart full of pain. Still I rise.
Jus' like a budding rose, my bloom is nourished by rain.
Haven't time to wonder why, though fearful I strive.
My pray'r and faith uphold me 'til my courage arrives.

Still I rise as an eagle, soaring above ev'ry fear.
With each day I succeed, I grow strong an' believe
That it's all within my reach; I'm reaching for the skies,
Bolstered by courage, yes, still I rise.
Yes, it's all within my reach; I'm reaching for the skies,
Yes, still I rise.

Gentle as a woman; tender sweet are my sighs. Still I rise, yes, still I rise.
Strength is in my tears and healing rains in my cries.
Plunging depths of anguish, I determine to strive.
My pray'r and faith uphold me 'til my courage arrives.

Though you see me slump with heartache; Heart so heavy that it breaks.
Be not deceived I fly on bird's wings, rising sun, its healing rays.
Look at me, you see a woman; Gentle as a butterfly.
But don't you think, not for one moment, that I'm not strong because I cry.

So yeah, I am proud of what I've accomplished. I am able to buy a house. Buy. A. House. I had to throw myself out on that proverbial limb and just hang on. I learned a lot of things. The most important lesson I learned is that I can do things. If I am by myself the rest of my life, I will be Ok. I will find a way. I will make a way and I will get it done. That's huge, People. I don't want to be myself the rest of my life, but I know I will be alright if I am. Life is scary with someone. By yourself, it's next level!! I have a lovely house and it will be a beautiful home once I get in and am able to make it my own, add my own touches and feels. It will be home for my children and that is very important to me. I want them to always know they have a home to come home to anytime. I hope they will FEEL that is home. They are my real home and I hope I am theirs as well. I can't wait to show you guys pictures of the new place. I am looking forward to moving in and unpacking and meeting the new neighbors and becoming a "regular Joe" for a change. Even though there was a big ole gut punch and a near collapse, I survived it. I will survive whatever comes my way. He holds my hand and promises never to leave me. Trust. Unconditional love. Faith. On the Solid Rock I stand. Talk about Someone who has my best interest at heart! He does and will never fail me. Truth.

Start!

Love,
D~