What is it about Four Letter Words?
Four letter words....
Four letter words can be some of the best words ever in the history of language... then there are some that are just plain yuck. You will later see why I chose this as my title for this post.
LOVE: perhaps one of my top three favorite words. LOVE means so many things. It could mean being madly in love, desperately in love, love knows no bounds. It could be simply, "I love strawberries" or "I love thunderstorms" or "I love to read." Love is giving someone a compliment, "I love your haircut," "I love your outfit today," "I love the way you speak," "I love your paintings," "I love that you share your food with me." Love is an expression, whether it's a feeling, a mood, a statement, etc... Love is a really BIG word. The phrase, "I love you" is incredibly meaningful and whether we say them to our friends, our spouse or significant other, our children, whomever... we say these words because we mean them. I don't say those words lightly. If I tell you "I love you," I love you. I mean it. Period.
F*&#: I was taught growing up that there was not another word as bad as "the F word." I mean, "THE F WORD" was reserved for the lowest of low, the most despicable of despicables. If I heard someone say that word, I thought they were "not nice" on a whole lot of levels. I would put my hand over my mouth and take a big ole suck in of air like I was waiting for the person to be struck by lightning or something. I will be honest and say that back in my way back younger days, I had an air of judgment to me. (shameful to admit but I did) Please know that that is LONG GONE. To paraphrase from the King James, "How can you pluck a splinter out of someone else's eye when you've got a board in your own!" Right?! No reason to judge when my own life has problems too! I have found that in letting go of all that horrible judgment crap, I am so much freer. Freer to live, freer to love others, freer to accept all differences and STILL be friends, and even freer to like my own self sometimes. Another admission-- that ole "F word" slips out of my mouth from time to time. It's a really good word to say when you are over the top disgusted or mad or just plain at your wit's end. I don't say it for all the world to hear, but it happens. Do I condemn myself for it or do I feel condemned because I say it? No. That too has gone by the wayside. Condemnation. Now there's a whole other topic, my friends. We will just let that one go for now.
HOPE: I already talked about this word in my "Dear Dawn" post. Hope is a good word. I do like it. However, it is way overused in my opinion. However, without hope, where would we be?
JUST: For whatever reason, I use this word all the time. It's a good word for "emphasis." It can be an adjective or an adverb. I just really need you to do this for me. Please just do as I asked. Just give me one minute. It isn't just about this or that. It just so happens... It's just you and me. You just hold on a dang second! I just saw him. We wish to live in a just and democratic society. That's just what I need. "Just"... absolutely, exactly, totally... we use it every day and we use it a lot. JUST... I really like this word. It serves many purposes and is used in a multitude of ways. Words that can be all that... keepers!
BABY: I love babies. I have loved babies since I was a baby. When I say the word "baby," it just makes me feel good. I remember my own four babies... when they were born, cuddling with them, which was all the time. Crying babies was not much fun, but it was all part of the cycle. A cycle I loved very much. So that stage, that baby stage, brings back wonderful memories for me. I am also a volunteer at one of our local hospitals in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit). I chose this department just so I could hold the babies. I so love getting to love on those precious itty bitty babies. There's something about holding a newborn or a sleeping baby that totally fills me up. It's as if something is being transferred from them to me and vice versa. It's an incredible feeling. Even though those NICU babies aren't mine, I still feel like I am able to give them something akin to love. Baby or Babe is also a term of endearment. "Hey baby!", "My baby girl", "You look good, Babe", and so on. I guess it depends on who is saying it. If your husband or wife or significant other is saying it, then it's all well and good. However, there are some Creepers out there who use it in a whole different way and that just ruins the word, but overall, it too is a keeper.
KNOW: Know is another of my favorite words. It can pack a punch! To know means to perceive or understand as fact or truth; to apprehend clearly and with absolute certainty. That's the part I like, "absolute certainty." I know without a shadow of a doubt. There are a lot of things I know. I know I love my children with every fiber of my being and I wouldn't hesitate to give my life for theirs. I know I have the absolute best friends in the whole world. They are my axis. They keep me balanced. I know I am going to die one day, and I know that won't be the end for me. I know my name is in the Book of Life. I know I have loved another with all my heart and soul. I know the pain and heartbreak of love lost, of loved ones dying; I am all too familiar with that knowing. Know also means to be familiar with another person or subject or place. For example, I like to be able to say, "I know you." It means we are familiar with each other. We've spent time together, and not only spent physical time together, but we've taken the time to communicate and get to know one another, whether that's by phone, email, texts, letters, whatever. It's a good feeling to know people.
HATE: Now here we get to the "meat" of the reason I wrote this post. The last two weeks I have been filled with hate. I mean over the top hate. HATE is a horrible word. I hate the word hate. I rarely ever use the word because to me, its meaning is super intense. When raising my kids, I would tell them not to use that word because it just meant "so much" of nothing good. It carries a lot of weight.
The word hate, as defined in the dictionary:
Four letter words can be some of the best words ever in the history of language... then there are some that are just plain yuck. You will later see why I chose this as my title for this post.
LOVE: perhaps one of my top three favorite words. LOVE means so many things. It could mean being madly in love, desperately in love, love knows no bounds. It could be simply, "I love strawberries" or "I love thunderstorms" or "I love to read." Love is giving someone a compliment, "I love your haircut," "I love your outfit today," "I love the way you speak," "I love your paintings," "I love that you share your food with me." Love is an expression, whether it's a feeling, a mood, a statement, etc... Love is a really BIG word. The phrase, "I love you" is incredibly meaningful and whether we say them to our friends, our spouse or significant other, our children, whomever... we say these words because we mean them. I don't say those words lightly. If I tell you "I love you," I love you. I mean it. Period.
F*&#: I was taught growing up that there was not another word as bad as "the F word." I mean, "THE F WORD" was reserved for the lowest of low, the most despicable of despicables. If I heard someone say that word, I thought they were "not nice" on a whole lot of levels. I would put my hand over my mouth and take a big ole suck in of air like I was waiting for the person to be struck by lightning or something. I will be honest and say that back in my way back younger days, I had an air of judgment to me. (shameful to admit but I did) Please know that that is LONG GONE. To paraphrase from the King James, "How can you pluck a splinter out of someone else's eye when you've got a board in your own!" Right?! No reason to judge when my own life has problems too! I have found that in letting go of all that horrible judgment crap, I am so much freer. Freer to live, freer to love others, freer to accept all differences and STILL be friends, and even freer to like my own self sometimes. Another admission-- that ole "F word" slips out of my mouth from time to time. It's a really good word to say when you are over the top disgusted or mad or just plain at your wit's end. I don't say it for all the world to hear, but it happens. Do I condemn myself for it or do I feel condemned because I say it? No. That too has gone by the wayside. Condemnation. Now there's a whole other topic, my friends. We will just let that one go for now.
HOPE: I already talked about this word in my "Dear Dawn" post. Hope is a good word. I do like it. However, it is way overused in my opinion. However, without hope, where would we be?
JUST: For whatever reason, I use this word all the time. It's a good word for "emphasis." It can be an adjective or an adverb. I just really need you to do this for me. Please just do as I asked. Just give me one minute. It isn't just about this or that. It just so happens... It's just you and me. You just hold on a dang second! I just saw him. We wish to live in a just and democratic society. That's just what I need. "Just"... absolutely, exactly, totally... we use it every day and we use it a lot. JUST... I really like this word. It serves many purposes and is used in a multitude of ways. Words that can be all that... keepers!
BABY: I love babies. I have loved babies since I was a baby. When I say the word "baby," it just makes me feel good. I remember my own four babies... when they were born, cuddling with them, which was all the time. Crying babies was not much fun, but it was all part of the cycle. A cycle I loved very much. So that stage, that baby stage, brings back wonderful memories for me. I am also a volunteer at one of our local hospitals in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit). I chose this department just so I could hold the babies. I so love getting to love on those precious itty bitty babies. There's something about holding a newborn or a sleeping baby that totally fills me up. It's as if something is being transferred from them to me and vice versa. It's an incredible feeling. Even though those NICU babies aren't mine, I still feel like I am able to give them something akin to love. Baby or Babe is also a term of endearment. "Hey baby!", "My baby girl", "You look good, Babe", and so on. I guess it depends on who is saying it. If your husband or wife or significant other is saying it, then it's all well and good. However, there are some Creepers out there who use it in a whole different way and that just ruins the word, but overall, it too is a keeper.
KNOW: Know is another of my favorite words. It can pack a punch! To know means to perceive or understand as fact or truth; to apprehend clearly and with absolute certainty. That's the part I like, "absolute certainty." I know without a shadow of a doubt. There are a lot of things I know. I know I love my children with every fiber of my being and I wouldn't hesitate to give my life for theirs. I know I have the absolute best friends in the whole world. They are my axis. They keep me balanced. I know I am going to die one day, and I know that won't be the end for me. I know my name is in the Book of Life. I know I have loved another with all my heart and soul. I know the pain and heartbreak of love lost, of loved ones dying; I am all too familiar with that knowing. Know also means to be familiar with another person or subject or place. For example, I like to be able to say, "I know you." It means we are familiar with each other. We've spent time together, and not only spent physical time together, but we've taken the time to communicate and get to know one another, whether that's by phone, email, texts, letters, whatever. It's a good feeling to know people.
HATE: Now here we get to the "meat" of the reason I wrote this post. The last two weeks I have been filled with hate. I mean over the top hate. HATE is a horrible word. I hate the word hate. I rarely ever use the word because to me, its meaning is super intense. When raising my kids, I would tell them not to use that word because it just meant "so much" of nothing good. It carries a lot of weight.
The word hate, as defined in the dictionary:
verb
- 1.feel intense or passionate dislike for (someone)."the boys hate each other"
synonyms: loathe, despise, abhor, detest
noun
- 1.intense or passionate dislike.
"feelings of hate and revenge"
synonyms: hatred, loathing, detestation, dislike, distaste, abhorrence, abomination
I'm not saying "hate" is a good thing, but in some instances it's the only thing that gets you through the day(s). For me, this has been the case of late. In a previous post, I talked about how my ex really pulled the wool over my eyes in the settlement of our house. I honestly feel like he swindled me out of what was rightfully mine. He basically took his half and mine. If he can feel good about that, and look at himself in the mirror without remorse or guilt, then more power to him. There were many times in the last weeks that I was having severe anxiety, to the point of "am I having a heart attack?" I felt like I couldn't breathe; my heart was racing and I knew my blood pressure was sky rocketing. Those moments were scary and are scary. Of course, the more I allowed myself to think about all of it, the more these symptoms would occur. I simply hated him for doing this to me. Throughout the last 3 1/2 years, I've kept "hate" at bay. I didn't want to hate; hate destroys people and I didn't want to be destroyed by it and I still don't. However, in November, it finally took root, and has been growing ever since.
When I say the last month has been horrendous, I really mean it!! I haven't been myself. I don't want to go anywhere, do anything, be with anyone. I have become somewhat of a recluse, and if you know me, this is so NOT me. I guess I have felt like the wind has been knocked out of my sails and I have no more direction. I'm slowly coming around and getting a bit of a breeze back. I did go out with some friends last night. We met for dinner downtown and it was fun to be with them at a new place I had never been to before. However, as the dinner was winding down, I could feel my chest start to tighten, and I just wanted to go home. Some mentioned going somewhere else because it was only 8:00, but as I sat there, I was thinking, "Please,God, don't make me the party pooper and say I don't want to do that." Thankfully I didn't have to be "the one." So what is it? What am I afraid of? Why am I feeling like this?
One thing I have noticed through the pain of the last few weeks is that I am completely and totally ready to get rid of stuff. I have made several Goodwill runs of little heaps of things. When I see it, I put it in the pile and I immediately get in the car and take it just so I can get rid of it. Out of my sight, out of my house, out of the corners of my memories. Actually, this is freeing for me. I've kept things just out of "memories sake." Now, I'm like... "get this sh*& out of my house and out of my life." That's a GOOD thing! My daughter is in the process of getting her own place and I've texted her several times, "Do you want this? If not, I'm selling it or giving it away." So I reckon this could be considered a "Plus," right? Out of the devastation or rather the burning down of a life, something positive has come out of it.
The bad part is that it has caused my heart to freeze. It has made me fearful and I am not a fearful person. It has made me put up another level of defense and there were already plenty. It has made me leery to venture out on a limb, and I'm usually a "let's go see kind of gal." I'm all about doing something new. What happened was he set fire to our 34 years of life together and let it burn to the ground--watched it burn and didn't lift a finger to stop it. That's a real hurt, People. I crumbled. I didn't mean to; I didn't want to, but it happened, and I was helpless against it. Let me just state, I am completely OK with being divorced from him; I don't miss the struggles of trying to make it work; I don't miss the hurt we caused each other. As for me though, I kept tucked away in my heart and mind, all the good that we did have and a shared life of so many years. There was a lot of good amidst the brokeness, and I kept that part. Now it is all shattered and I don't want any of it anymore. Maybe I will feel differently down the road, but I doubt it.
Even though I have lost all the security I had planned on, I am telling myself to move forward with what I do have. Money can't buy what I already have and that is the love of my children, the love of my friends and my brothers. Money can't buy happiness, and there's only one person responsible for my happiness, and that's me. ME. I have to do it. My 23 year old son sent this to me the other day, "I don't know if this will help or if I'm crossing a line here but I was listening to church yesterday online and the series is called "The Joyful Journey." I don't know what exactly you're going through or what you're thinking, but what the pastor was talking about was having a heart of thanksgiving can change your whole outlook on life. I know it's hard to see the light in this unfortunate situation but instead of us focusing on what we can't get with the money you received, let's focus on what you can get.
It could open up a whole new door of possibilities." Then he said, "I love you, Mom. We will find you a house. I'm praying for ya." He is right. My focus needs to be on being thankful for what I do have. A heart of thanksgiving can change my (anyone's) outlook on life. A heart of thanksgiving...
I think it will take some time and maybe even some therapy or drugs, but I will get there. That's why writing is so good for me. Writing IS my therapy. Sometimes I think I'm a little too honest on here, but that's the point for me. I keep things wrapped up too tightly. If I can let it out via talking to someone or right here, writing it out, then hallelujah! That's progress!! I hope you don't give up on me or think, "Oh, no, she's still down there." I need you. I need you to be here even if I don't know who you are. I'm just feeling very cluttered and not organized and on top of things like my usual. I'm kind of a hot mess to be truthful. I've been through A LOT in my life, some I've never ever spoken of, and I've come out on the other side a whole person. I will do so again. I promise. Bear with me as I travel this road. It's really bumpy right now and tough to navigate. I am grateful to you for being right here. I have a friend who posted such a great post on FB the other day. Here is a bit of it... "Be gentle to yourselves, dear friends. And be gentle to those living in chaos around you. Offer to stand with them in their mess... even if the mess never leaves, they need you. Show up and offer no judgment. Only love."
They say steel is forged by fire.
I WILL BE steel again.
Love,
D~
When I say the last month has been horrendous, I really mean it!! I haven't been myself. I don't want to go anywhere, do anything, be with anyone. I have become somewhat of a recluse, and if you know me, this is so NOT me. I guess I have felt like the wind has been knocked out of my sails and I have no more direction. I'm slowly coming around and getting a bit of a breeze back. I did go out with some friends last night. We met for dinner downtown and it was fun to be with them at a new place I had never been to before. However, as the dinner was winding down, I could feel my chest start to tighten, and I just wanted to go home. Some mentioned going somewhere else because it was only 8:00, but as I sat there, I was thinking, "Please,God, don't make me the party pooper and say I don't want to do that." Thankfully I didn't have to be "the one." So what is it? What am I afraid of? Why am I feeling like this?
One thing I have noticed through the pain of the last few weeks is that I am completely and totally ready to get rid of stuff. I have made several Goodwill runs of little heaps of things. When I see it, I put it in the pile and I immediately get in the car and take it just so I can get rid of it. Out of my sight, out of my house, out of the corners of my memories. Actually, this is freeing for me. I've kept things just out of "memories sake." Now, I'm like... "get this sh*& out of my house and out of my life." That's a GOOD thing! My daughter is in the process of getting her own place and I've texted her several times, "Do you want this? If not, I'm selling it or giving it away." So I reckon this could be considered a "Plus," right? Out of the devastation or rather the burning down of a life, something positive has come out of it.
The bad part is that it has caused my heart to freeze. It has made me fearful and I am not a fearful person. It has made me put up another level of defense and there were already plenty. It has made me leery to venture out on a limb, and I'm usually a "let's go see kind of gal." I'm all about doing something new. What happened was he set fire to our 34 years of life together and let it burn to the ground--watched it burn and didn't lift a finger to stop it. That's a real hurt, People. I crumbled. I didn't mean to; I didn't want to, but it happened, and I was helpless against it. Let me just state, I am completely OK with being divorced from him; I don't miss the struggles of trying to make it work; I don't miss the hurt we caused each other. As for me though, I kept tucked away in my heart and mind, all the good that we did have and a shared life of so many years. There was a lot of good amidst the brokeness, and I kept that part. Now it is all shattered and I don't want any of it anymore. Maybe I will feel differently down the road, but I doubt it.
Even though I have lost all the security I had planned on, I am telling myself to move forward with what I do have. Money can't buy what I already have and that is the love of my children, the love of my friends and my brothers. Money can't buy happiness, and there's only one person responsible for my happiness, and that's me. ME. I have to do it. My 23 year old son sent this to me the other day, "I don't know if this will help or if I'm crossing a line here but I was listening to church yesterday online and the series is called "The Joyful Journey." I don't know what exactly you're going through or what you're thinking, but what the pastor was talking about was having a heart of thanksgiving can change your whole outlook on life. I know it's hard to see the light in this unfortunate situation but instead of us focusing on what we can't get with the money you received, let's focus on what you can get.
It could open up a whole new door of possibilities." Then he said, "I love you, Mom. We will find you a house. I'm praying for ya." He is right. My focus needs to be on being thankful for what I do have. A heart of thanksgiving can change my (anyone's) outlook on life. A heart of thanksgiving...
I think it will take some time and maybe even some therapy or drugs, but I will get there. That's why writing is so good for me. Writing IS my therapy. Sometimes I think I'm a little too honest on here, but that's the point for me. I keep things wrapped up too tightly. If I can let it out via talking to someone or right here, writing it out, then hallelujah! That's progress!! I hope you don't give up on me or think, "Oh, no, she's still down there." I need you. I need you to be here even if I don't know who you are. I'm just feeling very cluttered and not organized and on top of things like my usual. I'm kind of a hot mess to be truthful. I've been through A LOT in my life, some I've never ever spoken of, and I've come out on the other side a whole person. I will do so again. I promise. Bear with me as I travel this road. It's really bumpy right now and tough to navigate. I am grateful to you for being right here. I have a friend who posted such a great post on FB the other day. Here is a bit of it... "Be gentle to yourselves, dear friends. And be gentle to those living in chaos around you. Offer to stand with them in their mess... even if the mess never leaves, they need you. Show up and offer no judgment. Only love."
They say steel is forged by fire.
I WILL BE steel again.
Love,
D~
When you start something new, there is often a good deal of pain. Like, say when you start jogging for example, or lifting weights, or playing guitar or a banjo. Banjos are painful all your life... anyway, eventually you get strong, lean, or blisters on your fingers. "That's the way you do it; you play the guitar on the MTV". Once you get strong everyone thinks it is so easy. I feel your pain and I am anxious to see you come through the other side. gf
ReplyDeletegf, thank you for always being my "commenter"... I appreciate it... and you. :)
DeleteI will.
Trying this again...
ReplyDelete“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”
ReplyDelete― Kahlil Gibran