Dear Dawn

There has been so. much. just in the last 10 days. I could never have dreamed that divorce would take two and a half years and then some to complete. And you know what, even when it's over, it's not over. I know I have talked about "worst days of my life", "worst year of my life", "worst whatever," but these last 10 days have trumped them all.

Our house on Bridgewood finally closed on January 4th. We were all at the closing. The Sellers and The Buyers, The Realtor and The Lawyer, and even the New Wife. I don't get that one, but whatever. Once the closing was complete, then the disbursement of funds could happen. Now here is where it gets real ugly. Money. Money is always always the "root of all evil." I started months ago asking my ex to meet with me to discuss our prior agreement. I would never get a response. I sent emails, texts, called, and all resulted in a big fat NOTHING. Then one day, just before Christmas, I received an email from J's lawyer stating what we had "agreed on" back in March of 2015. Here, I have to let you know that at the time I signed that agreement, I was distraught, overwhelmed, at a very weak, extreme low point, so I just signed the darn thing to be over and done with it. I did not have my lawyer read it over b/c I couldn't afford to keep paying her the exorbitant fee she charged. BIG BIG MISTAKE. You see, I trusted J to do the right thing. I trusted him to not screw me over in the settlement. I even talked to him and actually said to him, "You promise that this is fair? You promise you aren't doing me wrong?" He, of course, said, "Yes."  I, like an idiot, believed him. Shame on me.

Let me give you a little background information. I am a well educated, intelligent woman. I have a Masters degree in Academically Gifted Education for Pete sake, but I know nothing about the financial end of things. (I do now) However, during our entire married life, I had nothing to do with our finances. I let J do it all. He paid the bills; he made the investments; he did the taxes; he took care of everything financially. I knew nothing about anything in that arena. Trust... I trusted him way too easily, but why wouldn't I? We were married. He loved me. He loved our family. He would always take care of us/take care of me. I was naive and stupid to believe all that bologna. I will never ever make that mistake again. Listen, Ladies, don't let that happen to you. Get involved. Learn about mortgages, and principle and interest and loans. At least ask questions about your investments and your 401K and your retirement. Put your nose in all of it! I hate to say this, but don't trust blindly. Just because you're married, living together, been together for ions, madly in love, do not lose your senses. Be an equal partner in all aspects of the relationship. This was my failure, now I am paying for it.

Here is what I have to remember: "The plan for your life far exceeds the circumstances of today."

I have to believe there is a Plan for me that has nothing to do with the devastation I feel today or tomorrow or in the weeks ahead. It's a plan that is bigger and better than anything I can imagine. I feel like I have cried more tears in 2016 and the first few days of 2017, than any other time in my life. As a side note, all the tears didn't come from this divorce situation. There were plenty of other things in 2016 that caused major waterworks. But anyway, I did read something several days ago that I will share with you. It is very good and a great reminder to "carry on." I foolishly thought 2016 was the worst ever, but as long as we are alive, we will hurt and we will be devastated by life's circumstances, by the people we love, by our friends, by people we don't even know. It's the way of life I suppose. However, this recent crushing heartbreak is like the one that just won't quit. This one causes me to doubt, be afraid and question, "What am I going to do now?" I had planned on that money to put a downpayment on a house, my own house. It was my livelihood so to speak. All that I would ever have and thanks to my ex-husband, it has been reduced to basically nothing. As one friend put it, "One is getting the gold mine and the other is getting the shaft." I don't like feeling afraid. It's not who I am. There have been times these last several days I didn't think I would survive the hurt, the uncertainty of tomorrow or even the next 5 minutes. I wasn't sure I could crawl out of the deep black hole for the 100th time, but I did. Like the author of the below article says, "Life is messy," and we don't take pictures of the messy times. At least not literal pictures to post on FB or Instagram or Snapchat. The pictures are certainly etched into our minds, but we don't show those crushing heartbreaking moments to the world, or most times not even to our closest friends, but they're there. As I sit here writing this, I am disheartened and there is a deep sadness even into my bones, not over the money lost, but because I found out the true measure of what my ex-husband is truly capable of. Who he really is in the depth of his being. He simply doesn't care how the mother of his children, the once supposed love of his life, will be taken care of. I guess I should not be surprised, but I am. This has the potential to break me, finally break me. I'm fighting, and I'm fighting hard, but I feel something very different reaching out for me. I can't explain it. It's kind of like losing one's self and all will to remain positive. It's just this weird happening. Kind of like Alice falling down into the Rabbit Hole. She was falling and falling with seemingly no end and no idea where she was going to land, or I'm standing in a dark windowless room by myself and all of a sudden fog starts filling the room from the ground up, swirling all around my ankles and legs and I can't figure out where it's coming from, but it's scary. These feelings are foreign to me and I don't like them. Believe me, it's not in me to give up, and I tell myself I won't, but I can't promise I won't be damaged in the process. I can't promise that I won't be overcome with despair at times. However, I know God is the Ultimate Healer of all wounds, inside and out. I know this. I do. If it were not for my faith, that deep dark hole would have already swallowed me up. He alone is our source of hope. For real. This is the link to the article I said I would share with you. Read it. It's good. https://www.facebook.com/OfficialLysa/posts/10154119861632694 Follow her on Facebook for some daily encouragement.

Hope, though, I think is such an overused word and oftentimes simply tossed out to people when there is nothing else to say. "Keep the hope alive," "There is always hope," "Never give up hope," and on and on. Well, of course, we have to hope for better brighter days, and I know I will never give up hoping and moving forward. But right now there is this real shitty obstacle in my way and I'm doing my darndest to figure a way around it, over it, through it, under it, however, I can get to the other side is the way I will go. Other than my faith, it has been my friends who have carried me. I swear I couldn't get through this life without them. They encourage and support and listen to me when I'm at my lowest, and really all points in between. They hear me cry or see the pain in my eyes and they feel my hurt too. My work Peeps have surprised me. When I didn't think anyone noticed, they do and they speak to me and ask and give me hugs. You see, just ASKING is a gift. Heck, hugs are gifts as well. Per the usual, I'm a very private person. I would rather listen to others than speak about what's going on in my own life. I've always been that way and I'm not sure why exactly other than I just haven't felt it was worth talking about. My motto has been, "If you ask, I'll tell." I am learning though that when we share our heartaches, we get so much more in return. Going the journey alone is rarely beneficial. Besides, that's what friends are for, right? They help us see through the muck and give us insight into things we didn't think of ourselves. Our spirits are lifted. We feel loved. We don't feel alone and so afraid when we have our Peeps. The mountain is so much easier to climb. My friends have my back and that's a beautiful thing to realize. They are loyal, and let me tell you, that's huge. Loyalty is a bond; it's cement; it will never move. Never. This bond holds me up when I don't feel I can take another step.

On the day of the house closing, January 4th, I was in a hurry to get to work and just as I was about to walk out the door, I saw the daily devotional from Jesus Calling, and I decided I better read it because this was going to be a very difficult day. It was perfect. It said:

"I want you to learn a new habit. Try saying, "I trust You, Jesus" in response to whatever happens to you. If there is time, think about who I AM in all My Power and Glory; ponder also the depth and breadth of My Love for you.  This simple practice will help you see Me in every situation... when you view events from this perspective--fear loses its grip on you. Adverse circumstances become growth opportunities when you affirm your trust in Me no matter what. You receive blessings gratefully, realizing they flow directly from My hand of grace. Your continual assertion of trusting Me will strengthen our relationship and keep you close to Me."

All that day I repeated that phrase, "I trust You, Jesus" over and over and over. I have said it repeatedly in the days since Jan. 4th. It helps. I'm making myself believe it. I can't stand this feeling and the constant gnawing fear. I will do what I have to do as far as this settlement. I tried fighting it and it basically put me further in debt, but I tried. Now, I just need it to all be done and over. Today I have to sign another paper, then there will be another something to sign, and then it will be done.

So to me, I write this letter:

Dear Dawn,
Today is the last of it, at least as far as the legalities. Tomorrow you embark on a new journey. Brand spankin' new all for you! This will be the beginning of YOUR journey, YOUR story. No more ties to someone who thought so little of you. No more guilt over the past and what happened there. No more beating yourself up for making a mistake with the settlement agreement. Move on, Missy! Move on. It will not do any good to keep rehashing it. What's done is done. Now, what are you going to do about moving forward? "Take your broken heart, and make it art." (a quote sent to me this morning) That means, Dawn, I know your heart is broken into a million shattered pieces, but take all those broken pieces and transform your life into something beautiful and creative and masterful. Do it with gusto and a stiff backbone. Love you, get to know you, find out what you are capable of and go after it. Fill the pages of this new book with whatever you want to write about. Fill the pages with the people you love; make memorable lasting moments. Go in search of what you want. There is nothing stopping you now. You are finally ready for Change. I see you sitting on the edge of the windowsill, hands holding tightly to the ledge, eagerly wanting to take the leap knowing it will be the best thing ever, but there is fear still roaming around the outer rim of your brain. You can do it. Let go of the ledge and leap! So much is waiting for you to discover, to learn, to build, to achieve, and to love and be loved. The time is now. Like Nike says, "Just do it!" I'm rooting for you!
Go, Girl, Go!!
Love,
You

I'm going to end this very long post with a quote I found last week. I love what it says and I am going to do my best to adhere to its meaning...

"There's going to be very painful moments in your life that will change your entire world in a matter of minutes. These moments will change YOU. Let them make you stronger, smarter, and kinder. But don't you go and become someone that you're not. Cry. Scream if you have to. Then you straighten out that crown and keep it moving."  lessonslearnedinlife.com

Thanks for listening and stay tuned,
D~