A Cat No More

Tomorrow will be the funeral service for my aunt. She passed away unexpectedly last Sunday night, November 20, 2016. The doctor called me at 11pm. I was stunned. We had planned to go see her this weekend because all the kids are in town. She had been in the hospital for a week. She was having tests to determine the cause of the seizures she had been having the previous few days. While in the hospital, she developed some sort of delirium...talking constantly, no sleep for close to 48 hours, and a general concern that things were going from bad to worse. However, the doctors/nurses never anticipated death as an outcome. Suddenly her heart just stopped. Stopped. There were no warning signs, no weird arrhythmia, no drop in oxygen levels, nothing. She simply came to the end. A complete flatline.

The last couple of hours I have been planning what I want to say during the service. Today is Thanksgiving. How odd to be thinking of death on Thanksgiving, but yet it couldn't be more perfect. This was her chosen time. It was always planned to be this week. My aunt was in such horrific pain, both mentally and physically. When I think about her Homegoing, what better time than Thanksgiving? What a happy occasion to enter into the gates of Heaven! I am thankful she has been set free. She is free at last! What joy she must have experienced as she arrived! Her little body was probably just dancing up a storm. She was greeted by her parents and brother and sister. What a reunion that must've been! I'm a bit jealous, but I know I will see them all again one day. I am so sad that my aunt is gone. I am sad that I didn't get to see her last week. However, I am genuinely happy that she no longer is suffering and being poked and prodded and stuck with needles and having to live in a nursing home completely dependent on others to care for her. She is now walking with no pain on streets of gold, living in a beautiful mansion and being loved so completely. No more anxiety, no more worries, no medicine... her broken body has been made whole. What is not to love about that?

I am going to share what I plan to say, rather what will be recorded and played during the service. This is the only way I can get through it.

Fig's Funeral Service:

 I have been wondering for years what this day would be like. Honestly, I thought this day would have happened a long time ago. Today, the day after Thanksgiving, here we are.  Thank you for being here. I felt like I needed to say something today. She deserves to be honored and remembered. When remembering someone’s life there is usually the rundown of what the person has accomplished over the course of one’s life, but with Fig, There are no great accolades to bestow upon her. No awards she’s won or books she’s written or even any sort of activities to say that she was involved in. My aunt Peggy lived a life of solitude. She preferred it that way. She really didn’t have friends, but She did have one best friend, Faye, and they have been friends for probably 60 years. She used to say to me that the only way she could find any peace was to be by herself. I found that strange and very sad. As I try to describe her life to you, the words “unhappy”, “miserable”, “sick”, “lonely”, “nervous” come to mind. On the other side of that coin, words like, “strength, a never give up attitude, fierce fighter, faithful Believer, tough, very high pain tolerance, doesn’t quit, hard worker, devoted daughter, beloved Auntie… come to mind. There was so much positive in her life but she just couldn’t see it. 

Aunt Peg, or Fig, as I called her, was sort of like a second mother to me. After my mother was killed, she and Nannie were my caregivers. It’s no secret that she was opinionated and strong willed and she wanted things her way and there was no in between. She was also a fighter extraordinaire. Though she be little, she is fierce. No saying could fit her better! I don’t know of another soul who has had to endure what she endured during her lifetime. One illness or disease after another… car wrecks, broken bones, difficult relationships, lung cancer, surgeries to numerous to count, the sudden and traumatic deaths of her younger sister and then her older brother. The death of her father then her mother, whom she loved more than anything on earth. I believe the thing that was the most debilitating for her was  the extreme anxiety she lived with on a daily basis… every. day. Every single minute of every single day. She never got a break. There is not a second of any day that I can remember that she wasn’t “anxious.” The anxiety had gotten very bad in the last few months. It seemed no medicine, no amount of medicine could help her with this ailment. Fig also battled mental illness for most of her life. What a toll that took on her small little body! There were times I pleaded with God, “WHY? Why do you allow her to suffer like this?” It is a hell no one should ever have to go through. She was tormented and I just couldn’t understand why she had to fight these demons 24 hours a day.  Why these horrible sicknesses kept happening to her? And yet, even with all of these struggles and living with the constant pain that plagued her body, she would tell me she wanted to live. She wanted to go home. She wasn’t ready to die. Where she summoned this will to live is beyond me. After every single thing that happened, somehow she rallied and seemed to come back stronger than before. It was unbelievable! This woman was like a cat. She had at least 25 lives!! Like I said, she wasn’t a quitter and it was clear, God wasn’t ready for her yet. 

The last 3 years of her life were spent in and out of hospitals or nursing homes. Yes, all of this took its toll on her but it also took its toll on us… Bobby and I. Here I want to say a Shout Out to her husband, Bobby. Thank you, Bobby, for being there for her when I could not. Thank you for doing  your best to take care of her and more, thank you for trying. She loved you so much. She worried about you all the time. I heard you say to the pastor that the two of you  had been married for 43 years.That’s incredible.  Even with all the heartache and the crazy rollercoaster that was your marriage, you never called it quits. She never called it quits. I know you loved her very much. You had to love her to put up with all you have put up with over the years. I respect and admire you for never giving up and I know you could have, and I wouldn’t have blamed you for it because I KNOW what it’s like to be on the other end. I appreciate you for all you’ve done for her, especially in recent months and recent days. You were at that hospital every day she was there. You went to the nursing home on a regular basis and took her candy and treats and gave her money that she thought she absolutely had to have.  You were the constant in her life. Even though she is gone, you will always be family to the kids and me. 

So what kind of legacy does she leave behind? For me, it is 3 things… 1. her unswerving faith. Her love for the Lord. She used to quote Scripture all the time,especially during those very anxious times. I think it is what saved her on many occasions. She believed and was steadfast in that belief. She stood on a firm foundation and did not falter. She didn’t even lose her balance when it came to her faith. 2. She loved her family. Nannie and Pop, Bobby, Me, and my four children. She loved us fiercely. She had nicknames for all the kids… John Robert was ROB, Katelyn was her PRINCESS. Jared was her WARRIOR and Jacob, was her BIRTHDAY BOY. He was born on her 55th birthday. I’d say that was a pretty great bday present! She may have been mad, aggravated with us, and by “us” I really mean me, but she still loved us/me unconditionally. At times I thought otherwise because I could never seem to get out of that dog house or off of her black list, but I know she loved me and the love was real. 

And 3. She has shown me what it means to never give up. Never quit even when the odds are heavily stacked against you. Just fight harder. Fight through the physical pain, the mental pain, whatever the struggle keep on fighting and once you come out on the other side, give God all the Glory. Fig, I am giving God the glory for your life, for your love and I am being joyful in my sorrow because I know you are the happiest you have ever been in your life. You are no doubt sitting at the feet of Jesus talking his ears off. You are surrounded by those you love the most and you all are having such a good time. And the best part is that YOU ARE FREE!! Free from the physical and mental suffering. It has a hold of you no longer. How wonderful you must feel! I miss you and I will miss you every day until I get there, but I wouldn’t take the joy that you are experiencing away from you for even one more day with you. You are finally at peace, true everlasting deep down in your soul peace. We are sad you are gone from us, but we rejoice knowing the rich fullness of YOUR JOY and because of that, we can have peace as well.

**(Please excuse all grammatical errors. I wrote it as I plan to say it.)

I really did love her very much. Our relationship was based on me biting my tongue 97% of the time. She could cause my blood pressure to soar and she was exasperating, but she was my family. I was really all she had in this world so I kept going back for more. I felt it was my duty, my responsibility. I owed it to my grandmother to do what I could to take care of her even though my aunt sure did make it nearly impossible. I think our relationship began to change after I got married and moved away. She could no longer control me, but she sure did try. She had this way of heaping guilt upon my head to get me to do things or make me feel like a total dog. I can't explain her or why she was the way she was, but she just was. My grandmother would always say, "Now, Dawn, she's sick. She can't help it. Please try to get along." That used to make me so mad, but maybe there is some truth in it. Some. Oh, the stories I could tell. You wouldn't believe them even if I did. Her life on this earth was not a pleasant one. I think partly due to the demons that tormented her mind and the physical pain she endured from a very unhealthy body. But it is what it is and she has been set free. We have all been set free to a certain degree. She was the last family member I had on my mother's side. I kind of feel like an orphan. It's just me now. Thankfully I do have my brothers but we rarely see each other. We all live in different states and we all have very busy lives, but I have them and that is comforting. 

So this is another ending. Another closing of a long chapter. To be truthful, I am sick and tired of endings. This has been a very difficult year and it's not over yet. I am just so ready for some Beginnings. NEW BEGINNINGS. I need some in a real bad way. In the meantime, I will keep moving forward with hope and anticipation of good things to come. I will be thankful on this Thanksgiving for an aunt who loved me. 

Rest in peace, Fig. All my love, 

D~

Click here to read her obituary.