Chapters Are Closing One Right After The Other
My blogging has taken a back seat of late. It looks like I've only been writing once a month for a long time now. I'm not really sure if it is because I can't come up with something to write about that is interesting enough to read or it's because I've had an "I'm not really feeling it" kind of mood for a few months or because I've been really busy and just no time to write the way I want to write. It does take me hours to crank one of these things out. I constantly re-read every sentence to make sure it says just what I want it to say in the way I want to say it. I think it is a combination of all the above.
Let me lay this out for you... In the last 2 months, I have had to put my aunt's condo on the market (and btw, she knows nothing about it). If you have ever sold a house or any kind of property, you know there is a ton of work involved in this process and many pieces must come together to get it all where it needs to be in order for it to be sold. Our own house (mine and J's) was put on the market (FINALLY), and the house I am currently living in has a "FOR SALE" sign in the yard (this means it can be "shown" at any time and if it sells, I will be moving). You may be saying, "That is ALL fantastic happenings" and it is, however, the in between stuff has been off the chain stressful. OFF. THE.CHAIN. All of these houses going on the market and having to be shown happened around the time school was starting back up.
We got a contract on my aunt's condo on day 5 of being on the market! What?? I was thankful but it put me in a panic. This meant I had to figure out how we were going to move a condo full of furniture and personal belongings out and put where exactly? My aunt has some really nice furniture and I knew I didn't want to get rid of it. Not to mention, this is HER home, HER belongings, and she doesn't even know what is about to happen. She doesn't know she will never have this house to come home to if and when she is ever able to do so. She doesn't know I am going through everything she owns and packing it up or throwing it away or giving it away. She just doesn't know. Talk about guilty. Sheeesh! I feel awful for doing this, and yet we have no choice. Again, I come back to "getting old sucks." There are no Golden Years in my opinion. What were people thinking when they named "Old Age" the "Golden Years?" There's nothing golden about them. What I see is sickness, frailty, nursing homes, incontinence and other people having to clean it and *you* up. I see hundreds of trips to some kind of doctor, bottles and bottles of pills for this or that ailment, hospital stays, physical therapy because the body just won't function like it used to, having to lose all sense of modesty, wheelchairs, complete loss of privacy, disgusting food put in front of you, and the loss of all control over your own person and belongings. What's even worse is the loneliness I see on my aunt's face and the others in The Home. I see no light in their eyes, nothing to look forward to except a visitor every now and then and some don't even have visitors. I picture their lives as they must have been years ago... full of life and energy and children and someone to love and someone to love them back. I picture them in their own homes cooking and cleaning and having fun. I imagine them going out with their girlfriends or their guy friends laughing and being alive together. BEING ALIVE!! I imagine them loving the love of their life...holding hands, kissing, sex, sitting on the couch together watching a movie, or going on trips together-seeing the world together. It literally breaks my heart. These people once had vibrant full lives just like you or me, and now their quality of life is reduced to a facility with horrible smells and no color and the same routine every single day. Perhaps they live with one of their children or still in their homes alone and not living at all, just existing waiting for "that day." Honestly, it frightens me to no end. Will I end up in a place like this? Will I be alone as I age and become weaker? Will my children come see me? Will I be left to live out my existence essentially in a "dead like state?" Please, God, don't let it be that way for me. I certainly don't want that and I'm sure no one does. I do realize there are many older folks whose lives are just the opposite of all this bleakness and sickness, but they are in the minority. I hope and pray to be in the minority as well. It's scary and I know my aunt must live every day scared. I don't blame her. We simply cannot tell her about the condo because it would not be healthy for her. Her mental state is already fragile and this news would be a devastation for her and all around her. There is no way she can ever live on her own again. It's simply not possible and she doesn't have the funds to hire a 24/7 caregiver. So this is it for her. Her life reduced to one sterile looking room with a couple of plants and a TV and a few pictures of my children. Like the saying goes, "Getting old ain't for Sissies!" May we all stay brave and strong till the end of our days!!
Three weeks ago two of my sons and I drove to Asheville for the weekend. I rented a 20-foot Uhaul and we loaded up everything and took it back to Winston-Salem and unloaded it all into a storage unit until I can figure out what to do with it. Sell it? Perhaps. Keep it? Some of it. It's overwhelming. My uncle did keep several big items and that helped some. I am in Asheville this weekend to walk through the condo and to get a chandelier that is a family heirloom. There is nothing left in there now. I closed the door, locked it and looked back with many memories running through my mind and the knowledge that I no longer have a home to go home to when I visit Asheville. This is the first time in my life that there has not been a place for me to go to/run to/take comfort in/feel at home in that isn't mine... it is sobering and makes my heart weep. It's an awful feeling to no longer have a "home at home." I will now have to stay with friends or in a friend's home when no one is there. I just had to tell myself, "It is what it is" and keep walking, get in my car and go. Another chapter coming to an end. Closing is set for October 21st. It was supposed to have been in Sept., but there were two HUGE issues that surfaced that threw all of this into a tailspin. Now we are just keeping our fingers crossed that it will still happen. So when I mentioned stress, I'm talking emotional stress and additional monetary stress. The Uhaul was expensive and renting a monthly storage unit is expensive. Neither of these things was in my budget. So there's that.
Our family home on Bridgewood went on the market August 15th. It has seen a good deal of activity (people wanting to see it). We have had 4 offers on the house, but they were very low. The last offer came in low but with the holidays approaching, needing some major kitchen updates, and the market slowing down, we felt like we should consider it. We countered and they took it. So now our house is under contract contingent on the buyer's home selling and it is currently under contract as well. This closing is set for November 7th. Now here there are many "feels." I am very thankful to have it under contract because I know it is time to move on. Close this chapter once and for all. It's just so. hard. The house was supposed to have gone on the market two years ago. A lot happened within those two years. Now the time is here. This house, our house, may actually be in someone else's possession in a few weeks. I am thankful that the folks wanting it have children and I heard that the mom "loves the house." I have been praying that the people who get our house will love it the way we loved it and fill it with love and laughter and wonderful memory-making moments. It's a good house. It's a family home. The walls and floors are made for rambunctious kids, lots of running and sliding down its hallways. This home is made for gatherings of loved ones and friends and parties and meal sharing and holidays full of wondrous decorations. This house has been ours since December 1997. That's 19 years, folks. However, it's time. It really is time to let go and press on. Press on towards "better" and "more" and "alive." Each one of us will work through this in our own way, in our own time, but the good thing is, we will work through it.
The moving out was horrendous for everyone. When people live in a house for 19 years, there's going to be stuff and A LOT of it!! I thought I had moved out most of my belongings two years ago. Well, surprise surprise!! There was so much I had left behind and that meant so much to go through and figure out what in the world am I going to do with it? HOLY SMOKES!! It got done but not without argument and tears and hurt feelings and displacement for my youngest child. He really didn't take to this moving out very well at all. In fact, he slept on the floor for a week even after his dad was gone, furniture was gone, all food was gone, etc... His hurt and resistance broke my heart. I didn't know how to help him other than to let him stay and work it out on his own. His dad finally had to "kick him out" by taking the garage door opener and leaving him with no way to get into the house. My oldest got his own apartment but that was a good thing. However, it meant change for him and change for my children do not go hand in hand very well. Another person we had to move. I'm telling you, we are pros at moving in and out of places! My son is happy in his own place. He loves having his own space. He is proud of it and I am proud of him. As for my youngest, he is still finding his way. He is living with me now and it has been an adjustment for both of us. I love having him with me even though I don't see much of him. I feel good knowing he is upstairs in his room and we are sharing a home once again. He is to begin a new job on Monday and I am very thankful. He NEEDS a job and a routine and money in his pocket. This is going to be a manual labor job. I'm hoping he learns a lot and I'm hoping he figures out the need to go back to school. Before the house keys are turned over to the new owners, we are planning to go back to the house together one last time, all of us. It's our way of closing this chapter. It's something we have to do.
The house I am currently renting is on the market. The owners want it to sell ASAP. I can't blame them for that, but it sure puts pressure on me. It is a great house. I love it but I can't buy it. I have loved living in this house and I still do, but I find myself already detaching from it. I suppose that is just what happens when a situation becomes temporary. I don't know what's going to happen, but I do know I need to start preparing myself to move. This means looking for another home. This means thinking about packing everything up again. That in itself puts me into a funk. I hate packing! I hate moving! I also need to consider a permanent home this time around. I can't keep moving every year or year and a half. Plus, I would like something to call mine. "MY HOUSE." I want that for me and I want that for my children. I didn't have that option until our house sold and now I can start to believe it will happen. So where do I want to live? What part of Winston? Or maybe not in Winston at all. Perhaps another city or town? I am at a place that I can do that if I choose, but do I want to move away? I'm just not sure. I do love where I live and I love that it's been my home for the last 19 years. I love the friends I've made here and I love that I know so many people in this community. I love that I live smack in the middle of NC. I can get to the mountains and I can get to the beach within a few short hours. My children aren't too far away. I know this place; it is familiar and warm and home. I know if I move elsewhere, the same things could happen but it would take time and a whole lot of energy. In some ways, that seems very exciting to me and a challenge. I sometimes feel like I need a change and the idea of a fresh start is appealing to me in a lot of ways. I've never had so many options. It could be a trailblazing new world for me if I so choose. New can be exhilarating and full of potential, but so can the Old. I have to make the choice and go for it either way. Right?
Things are changing in my life. Chapters are closing. There is finality in sight. I just never dreamed three chapters would be closing at the same time. Some days I'm up for it and some days I just can't seem to get a grip. I suppose it's all normal and part of the process. Change is never easy for anyone. Uncertainty is a stressor for sure. We like our Comfort Zones. I have been without mine for a few years now and I'm ready to be back in it!! Being strong and brave can wear a person out and make one really tired. I am becoming weary of having to be so strong all the time. I mean, I'm glad I have it in me, but I want a little break for a bit. Know what I mean? I'm ready for someone to care about me and look after me for a change. I don't think that is being selfish at all. I think it's being hopeful and open to the possibilities of something good out there. I would like to lay down the armor and swords for awhile. Slaying the dragons is hard work. It's exhausting work.
So let's all hope that the Oct. 21st and Nov. 7th closings happen as planned. Let's hope that J and I can settle the disbursement in an amicable way. Let's hope that as these old chapters come to an end, the new chapters will begin with peace and hope and lots of beauty. And as the old chapters close, let there be forgiveness and understanding and a calmness that covers all our hearts.
Here's to movin' on up and new chapters!
D~
Let me lay this out for you... In the last 2 months, I have had to put my aunt's condo on the market (and btw, she knows nothing about it). If you have ever sold a house or any kind of property, you know there is a ton of work involved in this process and many pieces must come together to get it all where it needs to be in order for it to be sold. Our own house (mine and J's) was put on the market (FINALLY), and the house I am currently living in has a "FOR SALE" sign in the yard (this means it can be "shown" at any time and if it sells, I will be moving). You may be saying, "That is ALL fantastic happenings" and it is, however, the in between stuff has been off the chain stressful. OFF. THE.CHAIN. All of these houses going on the market and having to be shown happened around the time school was starting back up.
We got a contract on my aunt's condo on day 5 of being on the market! What?? I was thankful but it put me in a panic. This meant I had to figure out how we were going to move a condo full of furniture and personal belongings out and put where exactly? My aunt has some really nice furniture and I knew I didn't want to get rid of it. Not to mention, this is HER home, HER belongings, and she doesn't even know what is about to happen. She doesn't know she will never have this house to come home to if and when she is ever able to do so. She doesn't know I am going through everything she owns and packing it up or throwing it away or giving it away. She just doesn't know. Talk about guilty. Sheeesh! I feel awful for doing this, and yet we have no choice. Again, I come back to "getting old sucks." There are no Golden Years in my opinion. What were people thinking when they named "Old Age" the "Golden Years?" There's nothing golden about them. What I see is sickness, frailty, nursing homes, incontinence and other people having to clean it and *you* up. I see hundreds of trips to some kind of doctor, bottles and bottles of pills for this or that ailment, hospital stays, physical therapy because the body just won't function like it used to, having to lose all sense of modesty, wheelchairs, complete loss of privacy, disgusting food put in front of you, and the loss of all control over your own person and belongings. What's even worse is the loneliness I see on my aunt's face and the others in The Home. I see no light in their eyes, nothing to look forward to except a visitor every now and then and some don't even have visitors. I picture their lives as they must have been years ago... full of life and energy and children and someone to love and someone to love them back. I picture them in their own homes cooking and cleaning and having fun. I imagine them going out with their girlfriends or their guy friends laughing and being alive together. BEING ALIVE!! I imagine them loving the love of their life...holding hands, kissing, sex, sitting on the couch together watching a movie, or going on trips together-seeing the world together. It literally breaks my heart. These people once had vibrant full lives just like you or me, and now their quality of life is reduced to a facility with horrible smells and no color and the same routine every single day. Perhaps they live with one of their children or still in their homes alone and not living at all, just existing waiting for "that day." Honestly, it frightens me to no end. Will I end up in a place like this? Will I be alone as I age and become weaker? Will my children come see me? Will I be left to live out my existence essentially in a "dead like state?" Please, God, don't let it be that way for me. I certainly don't want that and I'm sure no one does. I do realize there are many older folks whose lives are just the opposite of all this bleakness and sickness, but they are in the minority. I hope and pray to be in the minority as well. It's scary and I know my aunt must live every day scared. I don't blame her. We simply cannot tell her about the condo because it would not be healthy for her. Her mental state is already fragile and this news would be a devastation for her and all around her. There is no way she can ever live on her own again. It's simply not possible and she doesn't have the funds to hire a 24/7 caregiver. So this is it for her. Her life reduced to one sterile looking room with a couple of plants and a TV and a few pictures of my children. Like the saying goes, "Getting old ain't for Sissies!" May we all stay brave and strong till the end of our days!!
Three weeks ago two of my sons and I drove to Asheville for the weekend. I rented a 20-foot Uhaul and we loaded up everything and took it back to Winston-Salem and unloaded it all into a storage unit until I can figure out what to do with it. Sell it? Perhaps. Keep it? Some of it. It's overwhelming. My uncle did keep several big items and that helped some. I am in Asheville this weekend to walk through the condo and to get a chandelier that is a family heirloom. There is nothing left in there now. I closed the door, locked it and looked back with many memories running through my mind and the knowledge that I no longer have a home to go home to when I visit Asheville. This is the first time in my life that there has not been a place for me to go to/run to/take comfort in/feel at home in that isn't mine... it is sobering and makes my heart weep. It's an awful feeling to no longer have a "home at home." I will now have to stay with friends or in a friend's home when no one is there. I just had to tell myself, "It is what it is" and keep walking, get in my car and go. Another chapter coming to an end. Closing is set for October 21st. It was supposed to have been in Sept., but there were two HUGE issues that surfaced that threw all of this into a tailspin. Now we are just keeping our fingers crossed that it will still happen. So when I mentioned stress, I'm talking emotional stress and additional monetary stress. The Uhaul was expensive and renting a monthly storage unit is expensive. Neither of these things was in my budget. So there's that.
Our family home on Bridgewood went on the market August 15th. It has seen a good deal of activity (people wanting to see it). We have had 4 offers on the house, but they were very low. The last offer came in low but with the holidays approaching, needing some major kitchen updates, and the market slowing down, we felt like we should consider it. We countered and they took it. So now our house is under contract contingent on the buyer's home selling and it is currently under contract as well. This closing is set for November 7th. Now here there are many "feels." I am very thankful to have it under contract because I know it is time to move on. Close this chapter once and for all. It's just so. hard. The house was supposed to have gone on the market two years ago. A lot happened within those two years. Now the time is here. This house, our house, may actually be in someone else's possession in a few weeks. I am thankful that the folks wanting it have children and I heard that the mom "loves the house." I have been praying that the people who get our house will love it the way we loved it and fill it with love and laughter and wonderful memory-making moments. It's a good house. It's a family home. The walls and floors are made for rambunctious kids, lots of running and sliding down its hallways. This home is made for gatherings of loved ones and friends and parties and meal sharing and holidays full of wondrous decorations. This house has been ours since December 1997. That's 19 years, folks. However, it's time. It really is time to let go and press on. Press on towards "better" and "more" and "alive." Each one of us will work through this in our own way, in our own time, but the good thing is, we will work through it.
The moving out was horrendous for everyone. When people live in a house for 19 years, there's going to be stuff and A LOT of it!! I thought I had moved out most of my belongings two years ago. Well, surprise surprise!! There was so much I had left behind and that meant so much to go through and figure out what in the world am I going to do with it? HOLY SMOKES!! It got done but not without argument and tears and hurt feelings and displacement for my youngest child. He really didn't take to this moving out very well at all. In fact, he slept on the floor for a week even after his dad was gone, furniture was gone, all food was gone, etc... His hurt and resistance broke my heart. I didn't know how to help him other than to let him stay and work it out on his own. His dad finally had to "kick him out" by taking the garage door opener and leaving him with no way to get into the house. My oldest got his own apartment but that was a good thing. However, it meant change for him and change for my children do not go hand in hand very well. Another person we had to move. I'm telling you, we are pros at moving in and out of places! My son is happy in his own place. He loves having his own space. He is proud of it and I am proud of him. As for my youngest, he is still finding his way. He is living with me now and it has been an adjustment for both of us. I love having him with me even though I don't see much of him. I feel good knowing he is upstairs in his room and we are sharing a home once again. He is to begin a new job on Monday and I am very thankful. He NEEDS a job and a routine and money in his pocket. This is going to be a manual labor job. I'm hoping he learns a lot and I'm hoping he figures out the need to go back to school. Before the house keys are turned over to the new owners, we are planning to go back to the house together one last time, all of us. It's our way of closing this chapter. It's something we have to do.
The house I am currently renting is on the market. The owners want it to sell ASAP. I can't blame them for that, but it sure puts pressure on me. It is a great house. I love it but I can't buy it. I have loved living in this house and I still do, but I find myself already detaching from it. I suppose that is just what happens when a situation becomes temporary. I don't know what's going to happen, but I do know I need to start preparing myself to move. This means looking for another home. This means thinking about packing everything up again. That in itself puts me into a funk. I hate packing! I hate moving! I also need to consider a permanent home this time around. I can't keep moving every year or year and a half. Plus, I would like something to call mine. "MY HOUSE." I want that for me and I want that for my children. I didn't have that option until our house sold and now I can start to believe it will happen. So where do I want to live? What part of Winston? Or maybe not in Winston at all. Perhaps another city or town? I am at a place that I can do that if I choose, but do I want to move away? I'm just not sure. I do love where I live and I love that it's been my home for the last 19 years. I love the friends I've made here and I love that I know so many people in this community. I love that I live smack in the middle of NC. I can get to the mountains and I can get to the beach within a few short hours. My children aren't too far away. I know this place; it is familiar and warm and home. I know if I move elsewhere, the same things could happen but it would take time and a whole lot of energy. In some ways, that seems very exciting to me and a challenge. I sometimes feel like I need a change and the idea of a fresh start is appealing to me in a lot of ways. I've never had so many options. It could be a trailblazing new world for me if I so choose. New can be exhilarating and full of potential, but so can the Old. I have to make the choice and go for it either way. Right?
Things are changing in my life. Chapters are closing. There is finality in sight. I just never dreamed three chapters would be closing at the same time. Some days I'm up for it and some days I just can't seem to get a grip. I suppose it's all normal and part of the process. Change is never easy for anyone. Uncertainty is a stressor for sure. We like our Comfort Zones. I have been without mine for a few years now and I'm ready to be back in it!! Being strong and brave can wear a person out and make one really tired. I am becoming weary of having to be so strong all the time. I mean, I'm glad I have it in me, but I want a little break for a bit. Know what I mean? I'm ready for someone to care about me and look after me for a change. I don't think that is being selfish at all. I think it's being hopeful and open to the possibilities of something good out there. I would like to lay down the armor and swords for awhile. Slaying the dragons is hard work. It's exhausting work.
So let's all hope that the Oct. 21st and Nov. 7th closings happen as planned. Let's hope that J and I can settle the disbursement in an amicable way. Let's hope that as these old chapters come to an end, the new chapters will begin with peace and hope and lots of beauty. And as the old chapters close, let there be forgiveness and understanding and a calmness that covers all our hearts.
Here's to movin' on up and new chapters!
D~
You are not a tree. gf
ReplyDeletePutting down roots is natural.....but sometimes it's good to be "transpotted"
ReplyDelete