A Different Season
I was on the phone with my daughter the other day and I said to her, "It's just a different season. A different season for parenting, for life, for everything it seems." She said, "Well, this 'different season' sucks." Part of me agrees with her.
Since I've last blogged, my son has gotten married, my brother has gotten married, my ex-husband will be getting married in a couple of weeks, my children's friends are getting married one right after the other...it seems to be a never-ending season of weddings. All these weddings certainly bring many emotions to the forefront again and it also brings the reminder of a colossal failure. It can't be helped. It just does.
Other things have happened as well. I have closed out my first year of teaching at a new school; I have decided to change grade levels for next year. Instead of teaching Kindergarten, I will be moving to First. I am excited about the change. I think it's time to switch things up a bit. I mean, why not? Plus, all four of my children seem to be at a different place on the compass. One is North, one is South, one is East, and one is West. All going in different directions and all needing guidance (whether they know it or not) in some way or the other. It's an odd time, this change in seasons.
I am so very thankful that school is out for summer break. I have much to think about and much to do. If you have been reading my blog at all, you know I have an aunt I am "responsible for" in Asheville. It doesn't look like she will ever be moving back home and this in itself begins a chain reaction of events. I will likely be in Asheville a great majority of the summer trying to sell her condo, get POA so I can take care of all her financial business, etc... If you have ever had to do this for one of your loved ones it's terrible heartache and incredibly sad, not to mention a boatload of work. I keep thinking I am still "the kid;" I shouldn't be having to do this very adult thing and have all this very adult responsibility for someone who has always been the adult in my life. Well, when I look around for someone else there isn't anyone else. It's me. Like I said, it's a "different season."
I will admit I've been feeling a little sorry for myself in the Mom Department. My children are all grown (youngest is 20 with a mindset of 16-year-old boy) and seemingly don't need me at all these days. I hardly ever see them and two of the kids live within 15-20 minutes of me and they aren't big on phone conversation either. It's just weird. I find this a difficult place to be especially when my life from age 24 to the present has been dedicated to being a mother. From the time I was just a little girl, I knew I wanted to be a Mommy. I was going to have a bunch of kids, be married to a wonderful man, live in a precious house and live happily ever after. That was my dream. Being a mom was my life's purpose. All I wanted to do was do for them, be present for them, give them opportunities to better themselves, show them the world, teach them right from wrong, give them strong roots so that one day they could fly on their own. Funny thing is, I did just that. Of course, I am happy and thankful that each one can live on their own, do for themselves, be responsible adults, have jobs, be honest and trustworthy and kind and respectful; they are all good kids. J and I raised some good kids and that's the truth. They are not without their problems, but overall I am confident that all four will be okay. So now, where does this leave me?
I am finding myself at a crossroads of sorts. I can go and do anything I want to now. I am "free." It's my turn so to speak, but why don't I feel more excited about it? Truthfully, I think I am a bit scared. I've thought for years that I wanted to live "at the beach." I just knew that is where I would go one day. Now I'm not so sure. What about the mountains? Going back home to live? After all, I do love those WNC mountains! I have friends there and I still have family there as well. Basically, I have the option to move anywhere. Teaching jobs are in every state. I'm fairly confident that I will stay in the South. I cannot imagine living anywhere else. Southern girl born and bred. Southern to my very core. I'm not closing the door. If I were to move somewhere other than the South, it would have to be because God sent one very charming amazing Prince my way and my inner thought about that is, if and when He does send that Prince surely he will be a Southern boy! ha I mean, come on Ladies, what is more swooning than a southern boy with good looks, charm and manners?! I'm just sayin'.
One would think I have the "world before me." In a sense, I guess I do, but my brain plays tricks with me. It says to me, "Do you really want to leave all your friends? Your support system? So many people know you here. You are comfortable here. Do you want to do this all alone? You've got a good job and good people to work with. Do you really want to try and interview, create a new resume, go knocking on school doors to find another job?" Then there is this brain thread, "If you move, you'll be moving away from your children (2 of them anyway and these are the two I worry about the most). They may need you close by. What will they do if no parents are around and something happens?" J is getting married and moving to Greensboro. He won't be in town. Clearly he is all good with this "moving on" business. So what the heck is wrong with ME? This is what I'm working through at present.
Deep in my heart I know my children will be fine. It's me that will miss THEM. It is me that thinks they will need me. We do live in modern times where traveling is as easy as counting 1, 2, 3. It's not like we live in different countries for Pete sakes! Fact is there are different seasons of parenthood. It's the way God made it--the Circle of Life. It is my own self keeping me from following other dreams, other roads. Perhaps it is a lack of self confidence or a feeling of being completely alone or maybe it's just plain being a Chicken. Whatever it is, I've got to figure it out. I want to figure it out. I want to get on with it. I really do. I've always said that life is meant to be lived. We only have this one life/one opportunity to fill the pages of our book with whatever we want. I've taught my children that they can be, do, go anything anywhere they want; they are more than capable. It's time I practice what I preach. I tell myself, "Be patient. Cut yourself some slack. Rome wasn't built in a day." Right now, I just have to make sure I keep moving.
These Different Seasons are hard and challenging but with each season comes different joys and celebrations and adventures. The "different" may be difficult to get used to and may even be sad to some degree, but the good thing is that the "different" can bring newness and happiness in different ways and can create wonderful moments and memories to add to our Life Book, not take away from it. The "different" can take us on adventures we never dreamed of before. The Seasons are what make up the tapestry of our lives. So many different threads all woven together to make one beautiful picture. Sometimes the threads are loose or broken or we even run out of one particular color, but there are always new colors to take its place and continue the process of weaving all the moments and stories together to make our individual masterpieces.
I'm on a journey. Will you join me?
D~
Since I've last blogged, my son has gotten married, my brother has gotten married, my ex-husband will be getting married in a couple of weeks, my children's friends are getting married one right after the other...it seems to be a never-ending season of weddings. All these weddings certainly bring many emotions to the forefront again and it also brings the reminder of a colossal failure. It can't be helped. It just does.
Other things have happened as well. I have closed out my first year of teaching at a new school; I have decided to change grade levels for next year. Instead of teaching Kindergarten, I will be moving to First. I am excited about the change. I think it's time to switch things up a bit. I mean, why not? Plus, all four of my children seem to be at a different place on the compass. One is North, one is South, one is East, and one is West. All going in different directions and all needing guidance (whether they know it or not) in some way or the other. It's an odd time, this change in seasons.
I am so very thankful that school is out for summer break. I have much to think about and much to do. If you have been reading my blog at all, you know I have an aunt I am "responsible for" in Asheville. It doesn't look like she will ever be moving back home and this in itself begins a chain reaction of events. I will likely be in Asheville a great majority of the summer trying to sell her condo, get POA so I can take care of all her financial business, etc... If you have ever had to do this for one of your loved ones it's terrible heartache and incredibly sad, not to mention a boatload of work. I keep thinking I am still "the kid;" I shouldn't be having to do this very adult thing and have all this very adult responsibility for someone who has always been the adult in my life. Well, when I look around for someone else there isn't anyone else. It's me. Like I said, it's a "different season."
I will admit I've been feeling a little sorry for myself in the Mom Department. My children are all grown (youngest is 20 with a mindset of 16-year-old boy) and seemingly don't need me at all these days. I hardly ever see them and two of the kids live within 15-20 minutes of me and they aren't big on phone conversation either. It's just weird. I find this a difficult place to be especially when my life from age 24 to the present has been dedicated to being a mother. From the time I was just a little girl, I knew I wanted to be a Mommy. I was going to have a bunch of kids, be married to a wonderful man, live in a precious house and live happily ever after. That was my dream. Being a mom was my life's purpose. All I wanted to do was do for them, be present for them, give them opportunities to better themselves, show them the world, teach them right from wrong, give them strong roots so that one day they could fly on their own. Funny thing is, I did just that. Of course, I am happy and thankful that each one can live on their own, do for themselves, be responsible adults, have jobs, be honest and trustworthy and kind and respectful; they are all good kids. J and I raised some good kids and that's the truth. They are not without their problems, but overall I am confident that all four will be okay. So now, where does this leave me?
I am finding myself at a crossroads of sorts. I can go and do anything I want to now. I am "free." It's my turn so to speak, but why don't I feel more excited about it? Truthfully, I think I am a bit scared. I've thought for years that I wanted to live "at the beach." I just knew that is where I would go one day. Now I'm not so sure. What about the mountains? Going back home to live? After all, I do love those WNC mountains! I have friends there and I still have family there as well. Basically, I have the option to move anywhere. Teaching jobs are in every state. I'm fairly confident that I will stay in the South. I cannot imagine living anywhere else. Southern girl born and bred. Southern to my very core. I'm not closing the door. If I were to move somewhere other than the South, it would have to be because God sent one very charming amazing Prince my way and my inner thought about that is, if and when He does send that Prince surely he will be a Southern boy! ha I mean, come on Ladies, what is more swooning than a southern boy with good looks, charm and manners?! I'm just sayin'.
One would think I have the "world before me." In a sense, I guess I do, but my brain plays tricks with me. It says to me, "Do you really want to leave all your friends? Your support system? So many people know you here. You are comfortable here. Do you want to do this all alone? You've got a good job and good people to work with. Do you really want to try and interview, create a new resume, go knocking on school doors to find another job?" Then there is this brain thread, "If you move, you'll be moving away from your children (2 of them anyway and these are the two I worry about the most). They may need you close by. What will they do if no parents are around and something happens?" J is getting married and moving to Greensboro. He won't be in town. Clearly he is all good with this "moving on" business. So what the heck is wrong with ME? This is what I'm working through at present.
Deep in my heart I know my children will be fine. It's me that will miss THEM. It is me that thinks they will need me. We do live in modern times where traveling is as easy as counting 1, 2, 3. It's not like we live in different countries for Pete sakes! Fact is there are different seasons of parenthood. It's the way God made it--the Circle of Life. It is my own self keeping me from following other dreams, other roads. Perhaps it is a lack of self confidence or a feeling of being completely alone or maybe it's just plain being a Chicken. Whatever it is, I've got to figure it out. I want to figure it out. I want to get on with it. I really do. I've always said that life is meant to be lived. We only have this one life/one opportunity to fill the pages of our book with whatever we want. I've taught my children that they can be, do, go anything anywhere they want; they are more than capable. It's time I practice what I preach. I tell myself, "Be patient. Cut yourself some slack. Rome wasn't built in a day." Right now, I just have to make sure I keep moving.
These Different Seasons are hard and challenging but with each season comes different joys and celebrations and adventures. The "different" may be difficult to get used to and may even be sad to some degree, but the good thing is that the "different" can bring newness and happiness in different ways and can create wonderful moments and memories to add to our Life Book, not take away from it. The "different" can take us on adventures we never dreamed of before. The Seasons are what make up the tapestry of our lives. So many different threads all woven together to make one beautiful picture. Sometimes the threads are loose or broken or we even run out of one particular color, but there are always new colors to take its place and continue the process of weaving all the moments and stories together to make our individual masterpieces.
I'm on a journey. Will you join me?
D~
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