KO'd, Unconscious, Rinse, Repeat

 I have wanted to write about this for weeks(I realize it is only 3 days before Christmas but it is what it is. Thoughts come when thoughts come) but just couldn't quite wrap my mind around what I wanted to say or rather what I would like to TRY and say to convey my feelings, my thoughts, etc... So now I'm going to attempt because there is this little gnawing going on inside me and it needs to be stomped down, thrown out, and put to rest. Plus, all these thoughts need to be replaced with NEW thoughts, new fires, new goals and aspirations--not because it's the "thing I should do," but because it's what I WANT to do, what I MUST do to start anew in 2016.

There are some days, some weeks that just seem to take a turn for the worse... like once something starts it becomes a complete snowball effect. The bad things--the snowball-- just keep multiplying and becoming larger and larger, gaining momentum as it rolls towards you until you can't outrun it anymore and it just bulldozes right over you, burying you beneath the weight of all its mess. Well, that happened to me a few weeks ago. First it started with my son (#3) announcing to me that he would be going to his girlfriend's house over his Fall break instead of coming home. I asked why he was going there instead of home and his reply, "To talk to M's parents." I say, "Talk to her parents about what?" He says, "To ask them about marrying her." Stop breathing. Pass out. Regain composure and ask,"What did you say?" Yep. That's what he said. From there things just seemed to go down hill really fast. I had a plan to go to WV to watch him play in his last home soccer game of the season the next weekend. I had not been to any of his games and this was the first opportunity. Somehow our conversation went from marriage and wedding plans to discussing why he didn't think to come home and talk this over with his parents first to finding out that Ex has been bringing his girlfriend to many of J's soccer games. WHAT??Did I hear you correctly?  I'm not sure what happened to me at that very moment, but my brain went "blurry" and something way down deep inside me just snapped. It broke. In my mind, I was seeing HER at MY son's soccer games and I had not been to ONE! So for whatever reason, when J told me "she" had been to the soccer games and "she" had been the one to sit and talk with my future daughter-in-law and go out to eat with them and get to know her before I did and be with my son whom I had not seen in almost three months, I completely lost it--like totally and completely. I busted out crying and could hardly speak a word. I knew I just had to get off the phone. I couldn't talk anymore. J tried to get me to stay on the phone with him, but I simply couldn't do it. When I hung up with J, I cried so hard I thought my insides were gonna come right on out my mouth. I don't cry often (the hard kind-the kind that sounds like a dying animal). Oh, how I cried!. It seemed the enormity of the hurt I was feeling was ripping me in half. I can't explain it. I was literally doubled over in pain, heart pain. When I cry like this and get upset to this magnitude, it's best if I just go to bed and fall asleep. I know some people can't go to sleep when in this shape, but fortunately for me, I can go to sleep in the best of times and the worst of times. It must be God's way of saving me from myself.

For days after that, I tried to figure out why I got so upset. What is it that is keeping me torn up about all of this? I suppose a lot of it is the fact that I still can't believe I am divorced after 30 years of marriage. I can't believe we gave up and called it quits after ALL the &*% we did make it through. It doesn't help when I see people I know and they ask me about it and their response is, "I just can't believe it. You all were married for 30 years! You couldn't find some way to keep going? Couldn't find a way to make it work?"  I also can't believe my family has been blown to the four corners of the earth and now the kids have to split their time between two homes-two destinations-two celebrations or visits-two different places. I know this is difficult for them; it has to be, but they are making the best of the situation and so must I. So.Must.I.

I did go to my son's last soccer game, but I was forewarned several days ahead of time that "she" would most likely be there as well. OMG! Seriously? I can't attend this one game without her being there too? I was also meeting my son's future mother-in-law for the first time. I thought this should be a day free of other distractions so to speak so I sent J an email asking him to please not bring her. Please consider my feelings on this "one thing." I've never been in the same proximity of the other woman and I didn't want this to be the first time. He of course did not respond. My son also asked his dad to not bring her to his game as well. J paid no attention to either of our requests and she was there big as life. Thank God my friend, Katie, went with me and thank God we got there first! Not only did girlfriend come to the game, but J's parents, his brother and son came to the game as well. Talk about awkward. No one spoke to each other until halftime. I wasn't sure what to do. I knew I wanted to talk to Mimi and Papa and Philip, but I didn't particularly want to go over to them with J and his sidepiece there as well. However, I was fully prepared to do so and secretly hoped for the opportunity. (If you know me at all, you would know this would have been a great pleasure!) Well, I didn't have to go to them, they came to me. It ended up being fine and we were happy to see one another. It was all good. When the game was over, J and the girlfriend took a quick leave and went on their way. THANK GOD! The tension lessened considerably. The rest of the evening was quite enjoyable. Katie, myself, J and M and her mother all went out to dinner together. It was a nice time of talking about wedding plans and being with my son and future family for a bit.

Another reason I believe I got so upset over the "my son is getting married and didn't bother to talk it over with his parents or moreover, his mother," is the fact that I am not ready. I'm not ready to make that final snip with the scissors and cut the cord. I wanted him to talk to me about asking M to marry him. I wanted him to ask me my thoughts and opinions on various details of the wedding, the planning of the wedding, etc... Those things didn't happen so my feelings were hurt. I've never been "at this place" so it is difficult to navigate through all the emotions and the "feels." This is MY boy, my love, my heart and now he is going to another. The initial shock was shocking, but I now understand how this process works. It's like the 12 steps of grieving only this is the Pick A Number Steps to Letting Go of One's Child. There are steps, People, and they are hard and it requires a great deal of trust and faith and hope that all will be Ok and that the person getting my child will love him and adore him and sacrifice for him and give him her entire heart and love him unconditionally. It won't be in the same way that a mother loves her child,(that is impossible) but it will be an enormous love like no other. That's what I want for each of my children and it scares me to think it won't be that way, but here's where the faith and trust come in. When I thought about "the other woman" being at J's soccer games and spending time with him and M, and not me when it should have been me, I nearly lost my mind. I can't stand the thought of it and quite frankly, it makes my blood boil. The reality is that it's going to happen b/c J is dating this woman. I have to learn to accept that and I have to find a way to live with that knowledge peacefully in my soul. After weeks of trying to wrap my mind around all of this, I KNOW no matter what woman comes into the picture, my children will never have another mother. I know my children will always love me and they can "love her" too, but it will be a different kind of love if it is ever love and they may never love another woman in their dad's life, but they will have to come to those decisions on their own. I have to be able to live with this stuff in my own way, in a way that I can find peace and acceptance because someday, hopefully, the shoe will be on the other foot!!

I think the turning point happened for me around the first week of December. A good friend and I had dinner together and she came over to my house afterwards. She had not seen my "new place." In fact, we had not had opportunity to visit/talk with each other in many months. This was a special occasion. Of course, we talked about "all of this" and she said to me, "What is it that you are getting stuck on? What is it that is causing you not to be able to put this behind you and move on?" I had to stop and think about this. Her questions kind of took me off guard for a minute because I had not considered this before. What is it? Why can't I get past this? HE clearly has done so. She also said, "I think you have been waiting for him to 'say something'... an apology perhaps--something that tells you he is sorry too." I thought about that for days and came to the conclusion that she is right. I have been waiting for him to say something, whether say an apology or simply just say SOMETHING. The fact of the matter is, that it is NOT going to happen. It's just not. I thought he would be just as sorry as I am that all of this happened. Sorry that our family is no longer together. Sorry that we spent 30 years trying to make a marriage work that was literally doomed before it ever began. Sorry for all the horrible horrible things he said to me during those 30 years that I just cannot seem to forget and some I'm not even sure I forgive. None of those words ever came and I haven't been able to get past it... until now.

I understand what had me "hung up" and I understand why I couldn't get beyond the divorce papers. I've been in a holding pattern. A place where I knew wouldn't change but a kind of suspended-in-air place, a place not attached to an anchor, but just all these thin threads connected to an idea of what I thought "should be." I had this notion in my head of what I wanted to happen, unrealistic as it may be, it was still a real thought to me and one I kept unconsciously thinking might actually happen. I now feel like some heavy weights have been lifted off of my shoulders and I feel myself breathing a little deeper. My insides feel calmer and more at peace than they have in a very long time. Sometimes all it takes is a few words from a friend to help us see the brick wall in front of us. Once we see it, acknowledge it, we find our way around it. This is what I've done. I've found my way around it. It feels good. I've even been on a few dates. I actually told my son about one of them. That's BIG!! I haven't been ready to face "that world," at least not with a good attitude, but now I am. I am ready for whatever is out there for me. I am ready to see what could be. My heart is no longer an ice block and I have actually let down a few of the steel bars around my heart. The bars have been in place as a defense mechanism. Oh, they're still there, just not as many. At least I have allowed my brain to consider the possibility of a relationship with someone. Am I scared? You betcha. Am I ready to dive in and be all consumed? Heck, NO! I am, however, ready to open my eyes to the possibilities that lay before me. No looking back because in looking back I can never move forward. I want to move forward.

As to my thoughts on my son getting married... well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. I can't change his mind no matter what I say or do. I can love him, advise him when asked (and sometimes when not asked), get to know his fiance and love her too, and jump into this wedding business with both feet and make it the most special time of my child's life. (May 22, 2016 btw) God knows their future and He has His hand on this and I must trust and have faith and believe He will take care of these two young people. My job is to support, love, encourage, help however I can and just be there for them. This I will do. My four, each one, is the lifeblood in my veins and the strongest beats of my heart. I will always be their mother and there IS room for four more! :) And as for my ex-husband, there will always be a place for him in my heart because after 30+years of being together and sharing life and children, how could there not be. However, that is where it stops. Our marriage stopped a long long time ago. He is the father of my children so we will always be connected because of them, but all those thin threads have now been cut. I have found my anchor and it is called determination. I also believe that God has a plan for me. He knows so much better than I what is best for me. He loves me-LOVES ME! I AM loved and I am open and willing to whatever or whomever He has planned for me. I just know it is really really good! I can't wait!

I'm sure there will be things that knock me out and cause temporary unconsciousness, but it won't be this any longer. Bad things will happen; it's inevitable. Like I said, "rinse, repeat." I hope to be well equipped when they come along and hit me. No, I change that to, I WILL BE well equipped and will face the challenges with wind beneath my wings from my children, my family, and my friends, I have an incredible support system of which I count myself the most blessed of all human beings.

I plan to enjoy these next few days before Christmas. I LOVE Christmas! I hope you enjoy these days as well and have a most wonderful Christmas day however you choose to spend it and if you choose to spend this magical time with people, then I hope they are people you love and adore and if you choose to spend the day alone, then may you be touched with an inner peace and a happy soul.
Take care, my friends, and thanks for reading (listening).

D~
xoxox