Life Is A Dance

I love to dance. I always have and I'm sure I always will. I've been contemplating "life" recently and it seems to me life is very much a dance... all kinds of dance. I LOVE LOVE the show Dancing With The Stars on ABC. I have watched it religiously since Day 1.
Top reasons I love this show:
1. I love to dance. It makes me happy. I love music. I love to dance to good music, fast or slow.
2. The dancers are extremely good looking and not at all difficult to look at (Can we say, VAL and ARTEM with no shirt!) Dang.
3. I would love for my body to look like those dancing pro girls, especially Sharna (yes, I know I shouldn't have body image envy, but HELLO!)
4. I really wish I could dance like that! Like really. It's on my Fantasy List (#6) to dance the Tango with Derek Hough. I have taken Ballroom Dance lessons before and perhaps I will do it again one day. It is terribly expensive but it is something I truly enjoy. So who knows. We only have this one life, right?

I have had a terrible time trying to organize some thoughts to put on paper or in this case, put on my blog. I haven't been able to put together a series of cohesive thoughts for any length of time, much less be able to make sense of them for *you* to understand when I surely don't understand myself. Needless to say, my blogging efforts have been nil and so has my desire to try and communicate. However, writing is something I sincerely enjoy and I don't want to lose the love for this form of art. My writing is an expression of myself and it's one way of keeping the monsters at bay, so I will forge ahead whether I feel like it or not. The last 2 months have been rough. I'm not gonna lie. It's been difficult to call on my inner Phoenix the past 9 weeks. I want to rise above, I really do. I'm not going to say the days have been my darkest, but I am going to say the days have been some of the most painful as far as "heart pain." In some ways, the "heart pain" is much worse than depression. You can take a pill for depression/anxiety and it's supposed to help. There is no pill for what pierces the heart.

Life is made up of Moments. Moments, when put together, make up our Life Scrapbook. A lifetime of individual moments all connecting to make us who we are and showing a very detailed map of how we got there. This is where I connected life to dance.  We have moments in life that are like a Waltz. So easy and comfortable and graceful. The moments seem to flow effortlessly. The beauty of the moment is so subtle yet breathtaking. We have moments that are very sassy and high energy and eager like the Salsa or Rhumba. Both of these dances are fast paced, sexy, and full of spice. I love spice! The Jive is straight up FUN. It's action packed and full of happy. Life also has moments of "fighting"--I've got to conquer this and take no prisoners--I will win! You can take that to the bank! Whether it is a matter of survival (physical or mental), to prove a point, gain respect of colleagues or the Powers that Be, or to show "whomever" that you are a dynamic force and a force worth holding onto. "Damn! She's got it and I want it!" There is a certain air of defiance and a dare me attitude that gives the confidence necessary to reach the desired outcome. There have been times in my life that I have done the Paso Doble dance and I have set out to conquer something whether it be a particular task, a goal, a project, teaching my children a life lesson, or even some aspect of a relationship and I've nailed it. It's a glorious feeling and when it happens you do feel like the proud matador who conquered his enemy and emerged victorious. Of all the ballroom dances, I think my favorite is the Argentine Tango. WOWZERS! This is a very close, intimate dance. Steamy. This dance emits fire, heat, the air crackles with the smoldering intensity and just watching this dance causes my heart to race. I find myself holding my breath as I watch the story unfold. I can hear myself saying, "Let me dance now! Please!" The dancers are always touching; there is always a connection. It is sensual and seductive and romantic. This dance is about "feeling." Feel the *feels.* It tells a beautiful story. Isn't LIFE about connections, chemistry, relationships, give and take, each making the other better, eye contact, being in the moment, drawing out the best from the people in our lives, allowing the music to just flow therein creating something unique and wonderful and really quite electric and something to savor long long after the moments have passed? I say, YES! I say a big ole Hell, Yeah! Moments of intensity, meaning, realness, trust, honesty, longing and a sense of belonging. These types of "life moments", the Argentine Tango Moments, are what I call "close your eyes moments."

Close your eyes moments are those moments in life, those vapors that simply linger long after the actual happening has happened. For me "close your eyes moments" can be the first bite of this season's just ripe strawberries, a prayer said for me by a good friend, an amazing kiss, looking down at my sweet baby's face as he/she drinks the milk from my breast, a long talk and a glass of wine with my best friend, the discovery and incredible taste of Blueberry Sorbet, the first feel of the ocean as it washes over my feet, locking eyes with someone special and just knowing. Hearing "I love you" from a friend who is about to pass from this world into the next, the comfort of my grandmother's lap and her fingers running through my hair. A hand written note by a five-year-old that says, "I love you so very much and I will never forget you even when I get to heaven!" or "When I grow up and have kids, I want you to be their teacher." Indeed these are close my eyes moments! And here folks, don't judge or spit out your drink, but mind blowing sex (yes, it's true and you know it) fits into this category. When you can say, "Wow! What just happened?" you know you've got a memory! Along that same line, the total opposite is also true...that tender all consuming, complete giving, nothing else matters except for this time and this place right now with "you"-- pure lovemaking at it's finest.The feeling of being completely content wanting this moment/this feeling of pure warmth and joy to last forever. It leaves you floating for days, and quite frankly maybe into forever. Honestly, those are the original gotta close my eyes moments. I've just adapted all these others b/c they too, are otherworldly to me. My newborn baby's breath as I inhale it into me. I have been blessed with four babies of my own and with each baby I have put my mouth next to theirs, closed my eyes and simply breathed them in. It's magic. It's extraordinary. This tiny being came out of my body. A moment of connection and love like no other. It's that moment when I crest the hill on I-40 at the Nebo/Lake James sign and I see those gorgeous Blue Ridge Mountains calling me home, soothing my soul. What a sense of belonging I feel when I am in those mountains! Oh, majestic mountains, you have my heart and all that is within me now and forever! Eyes closed. Smiling. Heart is full. Close your eyes moments happen randomly, without thought or effort. Surprises if you will. Some you've worked hard for, waited such a long time and then one day it happens... that moment. Ahhhh. Thank you, God. Thank you for these life moments that have become my Scrapbook, my Dance and so much more.

There is a song called "The Dance." Thank you, Garth Brooks! It has some great words. If you have never heard it or really listened to it, go here and check it out. For all of us, life is a dance. Some steps are super easy and we learn them with very little effort. Some steps require more attention to detail and a little more focus to get it down pat. Then there are other dance steps that are extremely difficult and frustrating and it seems like we will never learn them, but with practice and more practice and still more practice along with a great deal of patience(which I am in very short supply of), we eventually master even the most challenging of dance steps. Easy? Commitment free? No risk? Impossible? Heavens, no! Life is not easy. It is full of risks and scary chances. Life is full of many "leaps of faith" moments. Maneuvering through life is not impossible either. Like the Bible verse says, "To whom much is given, much is required." (Luke 12:48) This life requires a great deal from us but we can do it. I can do it. My life is pretty much in a state of emergency right now and I am doing my dead level best to just keep my mouth out of the water just so I can suck in gulps of air every now and again. Every single day is a challenge. As of last week, my divorce is now final. Final. Talk about a scary word!! Finality...it's the end of something. It is no more. Some of you might think receiving those final papers should be cause for celebration, pouring a glass of champagne and toasting to the future. Perhaps and I will hopefully feel like doing that one day. I, however, am not feeling that celebratory attitude right now. This is the final dot at the end of a lifetime of sentences. All I've ever known really. Remember married right out of college at age 21 together for 30+ years? So there ya go. I also know that from this moment on, THIS new day is the beginning of a new lifetime of sentences. The morning after receiving those papers, that new dawn of that new day, was the first word on a brand new page of a brand new book. I know this. I do. Like I said, life is a dance. "Looking back on the dance we shared... For a moment all the world was right...And now I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end, the way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance."  

I will also be teaching at a different school come August. In early May, I was told I was once again on the "surplus list." North Carolina, my county specifically (and only), has adopted this policy of moving teachers around if the enrollment numbers are too low in a particular school. It doesn't matter that you don't want to move or that you are an excellent teacher with an excellent track record. Nope. Oh, they have this way, this formula of figuring out who goes and who stays, but the bottom line is I had to go and just when I was feeling like part of a community, a school family, making a difference. Another blow at a time when I was already being blown (so to speak). Let's just say it was all very emotional. It broke my heart. I will say that during this whole ordeal, this shock wave, I have never received or felt so much love and support from parents, teachers, colleagues, the PTA, students past and present, as I did from the community known as Meadowlark Elementary. I was blown away by the letters written to human resources, the superintendent, the principals of my school, the board of education on my behalf. I was truly humbled. I just shook my head as I read each note, each letter, and thought, "Wow! How can this be?" What amazing gifts these words were to me! It is these heartfelt words and incredible relationships that I will carry with me as I blaze new trails in a new world.

Lastly, I will share that I am moving residences as well. I have been renting this lovely home for the past 15 months. I found out mid May that the homeowners intended to put the house up for auction on July 25th. WHAT??!! ...as my head is doing the exorcist spin! Yep, thus began the earnest hunt for a new place to live. "Help me here, Lord. I'm slipping. Would you please throw me that life preserver?" Well, no auction necessary. The house sold a week ago... like 15 minutes after the potential buyers left they put in an offer. Yeah, they did. Soooo, the day I was told the house was sold was the same day my friend called me and said, "We have a house that unexpectedly became available for rent today." Now my inner self is saying, "See. See what happens when you just turn it over to God? He's got this! For goodness sake, take a break, Dawn. It's all going to be Ok." Deep breaths, tears of relief and utter amazement at how God works when we let go and let Him take the lead. My friend and I went to look at the house the next day. It is a great house. It was built in 1920 and has only had 4 owners. It's plenty big enough. The location will be totally new for me. My daughter tells me it is in an "awesome location" and I will love it. When I get moved, I am sure you will see pictures and hear all about it. I have to be out of current house by July 31st.

 It's really not a stretch to say I feel like one of those small wooden boats being tossed about at sea without a sail or oars, completely lost, no compass, confused, and not sure of my true direction or destination. In time, I know I will figure it out. Right now, God is wanting me to relinquish control and give Him the wheel. I know He is. He hasn't come right out and said so to me, but I know. It's that thing called Faith that I'm being nudged to take a step on. I am not hugely successful at it right now, but I am trying. I want to share another song with you about dancing and life. It's sung by John Michael Montgomery (I do love my country music). Read the words and see if they don't ring true in your own life. The name of the song is "Life's a Dance." Listen to it. You'll like it. ;o)

"When I was fourteen I was falling fast for a blue eyed girl in my homeroom class. Trying to find the courage to ask her out was like trying to get oil from a waterspout. What she would have said I can't say. I never did ask and she moved away. But I learned something from my blue eyed girl, sink or swim you gotta give it a whirl. 

Life's a dance you learn as you go. Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow. Don't worry about what you don't know. Life's a dance you learn as you go.

The longer I live the more I believe you do have to give if you wanna receive.There's a time to listen, a time to talk and you might have to crawl even after you walk. Had sure things blow up in my face. Seen long shots win the race. Been knocked down by the slamming door. Picked myself up and came back for more. 

Life's a dance you learn as you go. Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow. Don't worry about what you don't know. Life's a dance you learn as you go."

Great words for some valuable life lessons! If we don't ask, we won't know. If we don't ever try how can we be successful? (job, relationships, dreams, creativity) Sink or swim, you gotta give it a whirl.
We have to give in order to receive.The Golden Rule. It's legit. Sometimes our lessons are learned the hard way. We can be hard headed and unreasonable, can't see the forest for the trees thus making the end game a 1000 mile journey instead of only 100. Things that we thought were the "sure thing" turned out to be just the opposite and what we doubted or didn't trust to be true turned out to be the best thing ever! Have you ever been knocked down by the slamming door? Of course you have and so have I. In fact, that slamming door is currently on repeat. I have this stubborn streak, a strong will you might say and a determination to survive. Admittedly, some hits take me longer to recover than others, but I will eventually pick myself up, dust off, and come back for more being stronger and wiser for the knocks. I have led and I have followed. I need to be courageous and brave. Take chances. Go out on that proverbial limb. I don't want to miss what could be my Extraordinary because I didn't try. I want the brighter tomorrows and the Wonderful that is out there for me. Whatever that is. Sink or swim, you gotta give it a whirl. One thing is for sure, life is a dance and we learn as we go.

Here's to all the new sentences yet to be written, more "close your eyes moments" for my Scrapbook, continued learning, and lots and lots of dancing!! For me, missing the dance is never ever an option.

Love and may the force of the Argentine Tango be with you!
D~