Letting Go

Have you ever wondered what the term "letting go" actually means? We say it all the time. You need to "let go" of that hurt. You need to "let go" of the pain such and such is causing.  "Let it go" and move on.  People say to me, "You're just going to have to 'let it go,' Dawn." Every where we turn we seem to hear those words. There's even a VERY popular song called "Let It Go."  (If by some miracle you don't know the song, you can listen to it here). It really is a pretty good song... now if only I could be that brave. Let my hair down, shake off the old dress for a stunning gown, stretch out my arms and sing my heart out! The thing is, HOW do I just "let it go?"  I am working on trying to figure that out.

It's the very last day of March. This means the one year mark for our Separation is only 14 days away. 14 days and we can file for divorce. It is very doubtful that it will happen on "the date." However, the thing is, it's here. The time is here. I will be in this rental house almost one year come April 14th. I have been living on my own for 351 days. I am 351 days closer to being "single." Don't think for a minute that statement makes me happy. It does not. It makes me incredibly sad. For 351 days I have been "letting go." Truthfully, it's been much longer than that, but we can use the word "officially" to officially say the length of separation. For 351 days I have been letting go of a 30 year marriage. Letting go of a relationship that I thought would last a lifetime. Letting go of so many hopes and dreams. What I thought was going to be my life is no longer my life. It's crazy really. I'm not sure I'm ready for this. Well, I know I'm not.  You see, people tell me that there will be brighter days--"Oh, the best is yet to be. You just wait and see. There's going to be something and someone wonderful out there for you. I know it's hard now but you'll make it through this and there is going to be good in your life again." OK, all great words of encouragement and maybe (hopefully) they are true words and one day all that will happen, but right now I'm not feeling it. I can't see it. I can't make a plan for it. I'm a planner. I like to know what's coming. I have NO CLUE what's coming and that puts me in a state of anxiety and panic and yes, at times depression. I mean, who wouldn't be depressed or scared or anxious stepping out at the age of 52 with nothing except a job and a salary that doesn't pay near what I'm worth and no idea of what is coming next? Really, the best is yet to be at age 52 or even older??  Please try to imagine the very non-believing face I'm making right now. Bwhahahaha! HOW?? That has to be complete BS! My attitude might be a little off. Just sayin'.

I say I've been letting go, but have I really? I am working on what it means to really "let go." It's not an easy task. I am filled with self-doubt constantly. I find myself second guessing everything that has transpired over the last 351 days. I suppose that's normal for folks in this situation. You know what I find interesting? I have a few male friends who have been through a divorce or perhaps are going through one now, and I have spoken to each of them and there is a common denominator amongst these men. Each one of them have said, "I would never have left. I never would have gotten a divorce. I would have continued to live in misery for the rest of my life."  WHAT???? YES! Yes, they said this to me. Keywords: never and misery. These men would have CHOSEN to live a miserable life rather than get a divorce. This revelation blew me away. I don't understand that. I've tried wrapping my brain around it. Choosing "misery" gave them a life of no intimacy, no emotional connectedness, no fun, no true sharing of life with one's supposed "person." Yet, they would have accepted it and lived every day for the rest of their lives in a very gray world devoid of brilliant colors, and really, for what? The right to say, "I said 'I Do,' so I did." So, I think to myself, maybe I should be willing to do that as well. Right??  I also said, "I Do" and it was to be forever. But here's the thing, I LOVE brilliant colors! I consider myself to be a vibrant individual. I feel like I have all this "color" inside me just wanting to burst out and paint rainbows, but I keep it trapped inside me and I have no idea why. Well, perhaps I have some inkling as to "why"... I am a scaredy cat. There is the fear of the unknown just in front of me, looming, growing ever closer, and it's more comfortable for me to remain in the familiar and what I know even if it makes me unhappy and robs all the joy from my life rather than letting the color out and seeing what happens. (I just made a HUGE admission right there. I'm not sure I even knew until just this minute.) This could be why for soooo long I've never known who "Dawn is"... who am I? What am I capable of doing in this life? I mean, really doing? What is my purpose here on this earth for the short time I have been given? Being a mother is my purpose and most important role I will ever have and I will always believe that, but what else? WHAT ELSE? In my deepest deep, who am I and what do I have to offer?  I think there have been times I have come close to finding out who I am and then I got scared and backed off to that safe place, or what I thought was a safe place. The place where I stuffed everything down and covered it up with a myriad of insecurities and diminished self-worth. It was much easier to live my days for anyone but myself. I thought if I did, it would be wrong and selfish of me and in my head I just told myself, "maybe someday." First I needed to be a wife then I needed to be a mother and get all four of my children raised. I had aging grandparents that I had to take care of, then an aunt that has literally sucked the life out of me, but it's my job to do these things, but somewhere along the way I lost myself, but how can I lose myself when I have never found myself? Quite the conundrum don't you think?

Constant gray makes me crazy and zaps all the joy and exuberance from my life. A relationship void of vibrant colors is depressing and lackluster and a self-esteem crusher and eventually it will snuff out the once bright and burning flame that represented a life of purpose, meaning, worth. And so one spring day almost one year ago, I chose to do something about it. You cannot know(unless you've been there too) the turmoil, the battle I fought within over this one decision. A decision that would alter and did alter the lives of my children, my husband and myself, our families, and our friends. Life changing on an inconceivable level. However, it was a decision. I made a step toward "something." That "something" being a conscious choice to live again.  A move toward something, a little flicker of light, in an effort to make my life more than just the "color gray." I'm not sure that there was another choice at that point. Our marriage had reached an insurmountable place. The two of us were dead people walking. We simply breathed because it was an involuntary act. We went through the motions of existing in a house of ghosts and a whole lot of ugly swirling around. The hurt permeated the air. I was suffocating. I was slowly dying from "all of it."

Fast forward: Here I am today, almost one year later still learning to let go. Not only do I need to let go of the doubt of this decision and get on with it but I need to let go of the anger, the bitterness, the hurt, the guilt, oh, the guilt, the self-doubt that I won't be able to survive, the feeling of being stuck in a place where I can't move forward, the fear of loneliness and being alone and never finding that other half that makes me whole, the fear of not finding out who I really am. What if I can't figure it out? I've got to "let that go" and simply believe there is more. I will find out and I will spread my injured wings and soar one of these days. I will.  I am learning to let go of lost relationships and figuring out how to rebuild and repair...letting go of insecurities and learning to trust and believe in others, but mostly in myself.  I have this little book called, "Walks on the Beach" by Sandy Gingras. It is full of words of wisdom and encouraging thoughts written by someone who has "been there." In it, there is this little blurb about sea glass. I love sea glass and I love looking for it when walking on the beach. This particular page reminds me of me in so many ways. It says,

"Even the sharpest edges soften. The brightest colors fade and cloud. Things are fragile. They break. Save the pieces. They're beautiful." 

I want to share another something that I read recently from the devotional book, Jesus Calling. I read this the day after I began thinking about this whole needing to "let go" business. I couldn't believe it.

March 24:
This is a time in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions, of control. In order to let go of something that is precious to you, you need to rest in My Presence, where you are complete. Take time to bask in the Light of My Love. As you relax more and more, your grasping hand gradually opens up, releasing your prized possession into My care.
     You can feel secure, even in the midst of cataclysmic changes, through awareness of My continual Presence. The One who never leaves you is the same One who never changes: I am the same yesterday, today, and forever. As you release more and more things into My care, remember that I never let go of your hand. Herein lies your security, which no one and no circumstance can take from you.

I mean, seriously. What the what?!? It arrived to me just at the time I needed it. "This is a time in your life when you must learn to let go... You can feel secure, even in the midst of cataclysmic changes." Like, what's that you say?? I would say divorce is a cataclysmic change, wouldn't you? That letting go of "control", that's a toughy for me. I like to be in control (Yeah, I know. Choke back that cough, my friends), especially my life and what happens to it, with it, for it, etc... I have a difficult time releasing that control and therein is a big part of my problem. I am realizing this and recognizing it. I know I have some sharp edges that still need to be softened, but those edges are sharp for a reason--a defense mechanism of sorts. In time those edges may soften a bit. I'm allowed that time. For now, I just cannot be hurt again. I can't. My heart couldn't stand it. My colors will all come back one day and they will be bright and brilliant and I might even find a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. My sea glass (my life) has been tossed and tumbled and some pieces have broken off and my insides remain fragile to some extent, but it is the tossing and tumbling about that turns the sea glass into a smooth beautiful treasure.  I am beginning to see that there is freedom in "letting go." I have felt some of the weight lessen and it feels good. When it happens, I am able to think more clearly. I can focus with more clarity and purpose. I can get things done.

All in due time... but as this journey continues and I follow the twists and turns, the ups and downs, travel the mountains and valleys, I will save the pieces because the pieces are beautiful too.

Thanks for walking with me,
D~