On The Road to Independence
Yesterday and today have been "Snow Days." A snow day is when the kids are out of school due to inclement weather. I am a teacher so that is doubly exciting for me--maybe even triple the excitement! We even got out two hours early on Monday b/c of the "expectation of snow coming." We didn't get near the amount of snow I had hoped for, but at least it covered the ground for the most part. I've been off these last two days and it has been fabulous. I woke up late, stayed in bed even longer b/c I have this wonderful new mattress that is a work of art, a slice of a heaven. I traveled to SC to get it. It was made just for me... not kidding. I digress, sorry. I didn't make my coffee until almost 10:00! (WHOA! That's a big deal.) I sat and watched TV for a while and didn't make breakfast until lunch time. It was a great morning. It's been a great TWO mornings. Today was actually an "Optional Teacher Work Day"... ok, really??? Keyword: "optional" Just sayin'.
Anyway, I've been feeling a bit off kilter the last few days/week. I don't know. It's been strange. I've felt strange, mostly in my head. I know that sounds weird, but it's true. My brain has been taking side roads that I don't like and I haven't been able to get back on the right road as fast as I usually do. The compass seems to have temporarily stopped working. I've been a bit less optimistic and a whole lot more pessimistic. I've doubted my hopes for the future and dreams and beliefs that all will be well in time. I'm not so sure anymore. Some things feel off balance in my life. For example, my ability to focus. I mean, on any given day I've got ADD, but it's more than that... I can't quite put my finger on it. Some of my relationships with people in my life don't seem to have the same "Mojo"--that bothers me. It worries me. I don't like it. I'm the type of person that wants all to be well in every area, especially with the people in my life. For the most part, I am a non-confrontational person. I don't like conflict. I want "sunshine and roses," not discord. However, when pushed enough, I will confront and I won't back down, but that happens very rarely. The "new me" has been trying to be more upfront, more communicative, say what I mean, what I believe vs keeping it all in and then letting it eat me alive. I really try to not to do that anymore (much). TBH it's a sucky way to live. I suppose the biggest reason for my "off kilterness" has to do with this "road to independence" I am on. I have had plumbing issues in this rental house. I've been hesitant to call my landlord about it b/c he already thinks I've called too much about other things. Well, it's because I have NO FREAKING idea how to fix it myself. So I finally called him on Monday and he basically chewed me out without literally chewing me out. I felt myself shrinking. WHY?? I shouldn't feel like that but I did. I also had heating questions and he made me feel really dumb. Hello, Jack Ass, I am so not dumb!! However, I allowed him to get inside my head and that pisses me off. I also found out that J will be going to a corporate cell phone beginning 3/1. This means I have to get my own plan. (yeah, don't laugh. I'm sure you all have your own, but I don't so it's another thing for me to have to go and do and figure out.) Road to Independence....
So all the connections are being severed one by one. It has taken a long time. This has been a truly loooong and drawn out process. Every time one of the threads is snipped, my heart beats a little faster. My blood pressure raises a little more. The reality gets closer and closer. I get closer to panic mode. I'm trying very hard, Folks. I am. You have no idea unless you've been "here" too. I have always thought of myself as independent. I have had to do a lot on my own, take care of so many things on my own, but this, this is throwing me for a loop. I can just hear the Naysayers... "She had it so good. Why would she do this? He was such a good (fill in the blank). She will find out... that grass is not greener. They should have tried harder. The kids? What about the kids? Did they think about them?" ... and on and on it goes. Defeat.
So yesterday, on my first Snow Day, I had already decided to make a great day of it. I was staying put and planned to do some cleaning and some other things that have been waiting that I've had no time to do. I was sitting on the couch, drinking my coffee and watching some Hoda and Kathie Lee when I receive a text from my sister friend. It was part of a Daily Devotion from the book "Jesus Calling." If you don't have this book, you need to get it. I plan to go to the book store today. The words seemed to jump right out at me. I thought, "Wow! This has to be a miracle. Were these words written for me?" Well, Friends, they were on this day!! I read it, re read it and then asked another friend to post the entire devotion on Facebook so I could read every word. Here is what it says:
February 17
I am the Risen One who shines upon you always. You worship a living Deity, not some idolatrous, man-made image. Your relationship with Me is meant to be vibrant and challenging, as I invade more and more areas of your life. Do not fear change, for I am making you a new creation, with old things passing away and new things continually on the horizon. When you cling to old ways and sameness, you resist My work within you. I want you to embrace all that I am doing in your life finding your security in Me alone.
It is easy to make an idol of routine, finding security within the boundaries you build around your life. Although each day contains twenty-four hours, every single one presents a unique set of circumstances. Don't try to force-fit today into yesterday's mold. Instead, ask Me to open your eyes, so you can find all I have prepared for you in this precious day of Life.
"Do not fear change"... WHOA!!! This is EXACTLY what I'm fearing. God says, "Do not fear change. I have great things in store for you. You need only ask for your eyes to be opened." WOW! This hit me right where I needed it. I have been afraid of change and I haven't let go of old ways and sameness. I have been resisting and I have not put my faith in Him alone. I have tried to get through this mostly on my own. I am terrible about asking others for help. I mean, I suck at it. I know my friends are always always here for me and have told me so many times. I don't know if it's pride or just the fact that I don't want to add another bother to their lives that are already full to overflowing with their own issues. (mostly the latter) "I want you to embrace all that I am doing in your life finding your security in Me alone." I am supposed to embrace this life--embrace it. That means the good and the bad. When I'm feeling scared I need to be placing all those fears in His hands. There is no one that can make me feel as secure as He can....why can't I believe in that promise? I love the second part of that devotion...
"It's easy to make an idol of routine, finding security within the boundaries you build around your life." It's all true. It's like I've drawn this circle around myself and everything inside the circle is my every day, the same old routine, the same habits, same defeating mindset. If I venture out of this circle, what on earth will happen? I have set boundaries, but why? In my deepest yearnings, I desire no boundaries. I don't want to lock myself into a bubble and simply keep doing the same thing over and over again. I want to be the crayon that colors outside of the box. I am the very one who gives advise to others about "getting out of your boring same ole dull box" and doing something more, something bigger. Find happiness! Allow it to find YOU! Grab it. Swing it by the tail and shout, "Hooray! Let's do this thing!" Hello, Dawn!! Practice what you preach!! Geez! Good Heavens, this seems to be where I've been stuck. I'm not heeding my own advise. Go get it, Garlow. Stop this scared stuff! I am stronger than I believe. I am braver than I seem. (yes, I did read that somewhere, but it sounds good) :o)
I love these words...Although each day contanins twenty-four hours, every single one presents a unique set of circumstances. Don't try to force-fit today into yesterday's mold. Instead, ask Me to open your eyes, so you can find all I have prepared for you in this precious day of Life.
One day has 24 hours, but EVERY single hour has it's own unique set of circumstances. Every hour. To me, God is saying, "Don't waste the time I'm giving you. Not even one precious hour." That's huge. HUGE. Don't waste not one hour! I need to stop trying to "force fit" today into yesterday's mold. I suppose I have been very guilty of this very thing. I think back to what was, what isn't anymore, and what in the world is it ever going to be again?? It's not the same. It's never going to be the same again, but it can be better. It can be different in a whole new way that is exciting and fun and meaningful and yes, full of love and commitment and glorious days of togetherness...some day. This is all new territory. A blank map for me to go anywhere I want to go. A new book with zillions of blank pages yet to be filled. Live in today, Dawn; don't live in the yesterday's. Those yesterdays are just that... "yesterday." I can't change things. It is what it is. I keep looking "back" and trying to solve some unsolvable puzzle. In my "looking back," I am not allowing myself to move forward. I have to move forward. I just have to.
Instead of trying to figure what hasn't worked or why, I must ask for my eyes to be opened so that I can find all the good God has planned for me in this Precious Life. It is a precious life and each of us is given one and only one. He does have a plan for me. It is going to be my prayer that I will be patient and trust Him to unveil it in His time. I'll be honest, this is difficult for me to do b/c I am pretty much the most impatient person I know! haha I tell everyone that I only have patience for children and old people and even then, it's a stretch. I'm working on it.
Yesterday I cleaned my house and I turned on Pandora to "Celebrate Radio." This station plays a lot of good FUNK. I love the Funk. Music makes anything better, including cleaning. After I soaked in that devotion, I felt a new release, a new sort of free spirit within myself. Some of my favorite songs started playing, and I just started dancing. I do love a good dance party even if it is a solo dance party. My other favorite song right now is "Uptown Funk" by Bruno Mars (along with the rest of the world). I swear to you, every time that song begins playing, my body starts moving. I just can't help it. I also started reading a new book. It's called "Change of Heart" by Jodi Picoult. I opened the book to the first page and this is what it said,
Alice laughed, "There's no use trying," she said. "One can't believe impossible things." "I dare say you haven't had as much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age I did it for half an hour a day. Why sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast!"
--Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking-Glass
I haven't had that much encouragement in a long time, so it was a good day to be stuck at home. Sometimes my attitude needs adjusting and I need a healthy dose of "WAKE UP and SMELL THE COFFEE!"
Tomorrow I get to have my hair "refreshed"... that's a sure fire way to pick up any girl's spirits!!
Getting rid of gray days and gray hair at the same time!!! Waaahoo!
May I continue to learn much as I journey on this road to independence, and maybe some of what I learn can help you too. Let's believe in impossible things together.
D~
Anyway, I've been feeling a bit off kilter the last few days/week. I don't know. It's been strange. I've felt strange, mostly in my head. I know that sounds weird, but it's true. My brain has been taking side roads that I don't like and I haven't been able to get back on the right road as fast as I usually do. The compass seems to have temporarily stopped working. I've been a bit less optimistic and a whole lot more pessimistic. I've doubted my hopes for the future and dreams and beliefs that all will be well in time. I'm not so sure anymore. Some things feel off balance in my life. For example, my ability to focus. I mean, on any given day I've got ADD, but it's more than that... I can't quite put my finger on it. Some of my relationships with people in my life don't seem to have the same "Mojo"--that bothers me. It worries me. I don't like it. I'm the type of person that wants all to be well in every area, especially with the people in my life. For the most part, I am a non-confrontational person. I don't like conflict. I want "sunshine and roses," not discord. However, when pushed enough, I will confront and I won't back down, but that happens very rarely. The "new me" has been trying to be more upfront, more communicative, say what I mean, what I believe vs keeping it all in and then letting it eat me alive. I really try to not to do that anymore (much). TBH it's a sucky way to live. I suppose the biggest reason for my "off kilterness" has to do with this "road to independence" I am on. I have had plumbing issues in this rental house. I've been hesitant to call my landlord about it b/c he already thinks I've called too much about other things. Well, it's because I have NO FREAKING idea how to fix it myself. So I finally called him on Monday and he basically chewed me out without literally chewing me out. I felt myself shrinking. WHY?? I shouldn't feel like that but I did. I also had heating questions and he made me feel really dumb. Hello, Jack Ass, I am so not dumb!! However, I allowed him to get inside my head and that pisses me off. I also found out that J will be going to a corporate cell phone beginning 3/1. This means I have to get my own plan. (yeah, don't laugh. I'm sure you all have your own, but I don't so it's another thing for me to have to go and do and figure out.) Road to Independence....
So all the connections are being severed one by one. It has taken a long time. This has been a truly loooong and drawn out process. Every time one of the threads is snipped, my heart beats a little faster. My blood pressure raises a little more. The reality gets closer and closer. I get closer to panic mode. I'm trying very hard, Folks. I am. You have no idea unless you've been "here" too. I have always thought of myself as independent. I have had to do a lot on my own, take care of so many things on my own, but this, this is throwing me for a loop. I can just hear the Naysayers... "She had it so good. Why would she do this? He was such a good (fill in the blank). She will find out... that grass is not greener. They should have tried harder. The kids? What about the kids? Did they think about them?" ... and on and on it goes. Defeat.
So yesterday, on my first Snow Day, I had already decided to make a great day of it. I was staying put and planned to do some cleaning and some other things that have been waiting that I've had no time to do. I was sitting on the couch, drinking my coffee and watching some Hoda and Kathie Lee when I receive a text from my sister friend. It was part of a Daily Devotion from the book "Jesus Calling." If you don't have this book, you need to get it. I plan to go to the book store today. The words seemed to jump right out at me. I thought, "Wow! This has to be a miracle. Were these words written for me?" Well, Friends, they were on this day!! I read it, re read it and then asked another friend to post the entire devotion on Facebook so I could read every word. Here is what it says:
February 17
I am the Risen One who shines upon you always. You worship a living Deity, not some idolatrous, man-made image. Your relationship with Me is meant to be vibrant and challenging, as I invade more and more areas of your life. Do not fear change, for I am making you a new creation, with old things passing away and new things continually on the horizon. When you cling to old ways and sameness, you resist My work within you. I want you to embrace all that I am doing in your life finding your security in Me alone.
It is easy to make an idol of routine, finding security within the boundaries you build around your life. Although each day contains twenty-four hours, every single one presents a unique set of circumstances. Don't try to force-fit today into yesterday's mold. Instead, ask Me to open your eyes, so you can find all I have prepared for you in this precious day of Life.
"Do not fear change"... WHOA!!! This is EXACTLY what I'm fearing. God says, "Do not fear change. I have great things in store for you. You need only ask for your eyes to be opened." WOW! This hit me right where I needed it. I have been afraid of change and I haven't let go of old ways and sameness. I have been resisting and I have not put my faith in Him alone. I have tried to get through this mostly on my own. I am terrible about asking others for help. I mean, I suck at it. I know my friends are always always here for me and have told me so many times. I don't know if it's pride or just the fact that I don't want to add another bother to their lives that are already full to overflowing with their own issues. (mostly the latter) "I want you to embrace all that I am doing in your life finding your security in Me alone." I am supposed to embrace this life--embrace it. That means the good and the bad. When I'm feeling scared I need to be placing all those fears in His hands. There is no one that can make me feel as secure as He can....why can't I believe in that promise? I love the second part of that devotion...
"It's easy to make an idol of routine, finding security within the boundaries you build around your life." It's all true. It's like I've drawn this circle around myself and everything inside the circle is my every day, the same old routine, the same habits, same defeating mindset. If I venture out of this circle, what on earth will happen? I have set boundaries, but why? In my deepest yearnings, I desire no boundaries. I don't want to lock myself into a bubble and simply keep doing the same thing over and over again. I want to be the crayon that colors outside of the box. I am the very one who gives advise to others about "getting out of your boring same ole dull box" and doing something more, something bigger. Find happiness! Allow it to find YOU! Grab it. Swing it by the tail and shout, "Hooray! Let's do this thing!" Hello, Dawn!! Practice what you preach!! Geez! Good Heavens, this seems to be where I've been stuck. I'm not heeding my own advise. Go get it, Garlow. Stop this scared stuff! I am stronger than I believe. I am braver than I seem. (yes, I did read that somewhere, but it sounds good) :o)
I love these words...Although each day contanins twenty-four hours, every single one presents a unique set of circumstances. Don't try to force-fit today into yesterday's mold. Instead, ask Me to open your eyes, so you can find all I have prepared for you in this precious day of Life.
One day has 24 hours, but EVERY single hour has it's own unique set of circumstances. Every hour. To me, God is saying, "Don't waste the time I'm giving you. Not even one precious hour." That's huge. HUGE. Don't waste not one hour! I need to stop trying to "force fit" today into yesterday's mold. I suppose I have been very guilty of this very thing. I think back to what was, what isn't anymore, and what in the world is it ever going to be again?? It's not the same. It's never going to be the same again, but it can be better. It can be different in a whole new way that is exciting and fun and meaningful and yes, full of love and commitment and glorious days of togetherness...some day. This is all new territory. A blank map for me to go anywhere I want to go. A new book with zillions of blank pages yet to be filled. Live in today, Dawn; don't live in the yesterday's. Those yesterdays are just that... "yesterday." I can't change things. It is what it is. I keep looking "back" and trying to solve some unsolvable puzzle. In my "looking back," I am not allowing myself to move forward. I have to move forward. I just have to.
Instead of trying to figure what hasn't worked or why, I must ask for my eyes to be opened so that I can find all the good God has planned for me in this Precious Life. It is a precious life and each of us is given one and only one. He does have a plan for me. It is going to be my prayer that I will be patient and trust Him to unveil it in His time. I'll be honest, this is difficult for me to do b/c I am pretty much the most impatient person I know! haha I tell everyone that I only have patience for children and old people and even then, it's a stretch. I'm working on it.
Yesterday I cleaned my house and I turned on Pandora to "Celebrate Radio." This station plays a lot of good FUNK. I love the Funk. Music makes anything better, including cleaning. After I soaked in that devotion, I felt a new release, a new sort of free spirit within myself. Some of my favorite songs started playing, and I just started dancing. I do love a good dance party even if it is a solo dance party. My other favorite song right now is "Uptown Funk" by Bruno Mars (along with the rest of the world). I swear to you, every time that song begins playing, my body starts moving. I just can't help it. I also started reading a new book. It's called "Change of Heart" by Jodi Picoult. I opened the book to the first page and this is what it said,
Alice laughed, "There's no use trying," she said. "One can't believe impossible things." "I dare say you haven't had as much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age I did it for half an hour a day. Why sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast!"
--Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking-Glass
I haven't had that much encouragement in a long time, so it was a good day to be stuck at home. Sometimes my attitude needs adjusting and I need a healthy dose of "WAKE UP and SMELL THE COFFEE!"
Tomorrow I get to have my hair "refreshed"... that's a sure fire way to pick up any girl's spirits!!
Getting rid of gray days and gray hair at the same time!!! Waaahoo!
May I continue to learn much as I journey on this road to independence, and maybe some of what I learn can help you too. Let's believe in impossible things together.
D~
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