I Feel The Water Rising
Have you ever felt a storm brewing? Could you sense something bad about to happen? Perhaps you have felt a dread coming, a rumbling in the background and the closer it gets the louder the rumble until it is so loud you are deafened by the sound of it? It's on top of you before you realize it and you're taken by surprise at the enormity of its power? Well, that's where I am these days. I am sitting on a beach somewhere looking out to sea and I hear a low rumble and I see the waves tossing and churning about, the white caps are forming and getting more frantic as time passes. In essence, I see a big nasty tidal wave developing. Even though I see it forming way out in the distance and I know it's coming and will no doubt make landfall, I don't move. I can't move. I am making no effort to out run it or try to find a safe place. I sit, ready to take the hit.
This past week has been a doozy, a lot of storms. Really the last two weeks have been "quite a bit." Quite a bit of what, I'm not exactly sure. All of this "uneasy" started with a headache that lasted for 6 days--yes, SIX days. I took more Advil, Tylenol, Excedrin in those 6 days than I have in my whole life. It was to the point I was afraid for my liver! The cause of the headache puzzled me for awhile and then I attributed it to "stress." Stress can totally wreck havoc on one's body. What was I stressed out about? Some things I can share and some things I can't but when my mind is so full and overwhelmed, the result is a splitting headache and for some reason, add on an extreme "crick" in my neck and across my shoulders that has lasted for 3 weeks now. I can't get rid of it. I even went for a massage twice to see if that would help. Nope. Hmmm? Well, report cards were due and even though I teach Kindergarten, those dang cards take me HOURS to do. My aunt was being discharged from the Rehab facility to go home. She hasn't been home in 7 months. I was getting calls and emails. I was worried about her going home b/c I knew it was very "iffy" as to whether she would be able to stay home. My daughter is jobless at the moment and she needs a job very badly. I am, of course, concerned about her and how she is going to support herself in the coming days if something doesn't happen soon. She is very smart; she's a go getter. She's no slouch in making things happen. The girl has applied to MANY places, had a few phone interviews, networked, and so far nothing is happening. No bites. My oldest son is experiencing some health issues that could be serious. He had some blood work done this week. We are waiting to hear the results.
On a more personal stress note, it was Monday(a week ago), I get a call from the doctor's office saying I had an "abnormal test result." I finally broke down and went to see my GYN b/c I had not been in two years, so I figured I needed to get myself in for a routine check up. So I did. Girls, you know the drill and how those appointments work. A week later my PAP test comes back "abnormal." Ok, so I've never had an abnormal PAP test before and this was all weirding me out a bit. I asked a million questions and even took notes. I got an appointment for March 9. WHAT? That's like 6 weeks away, but OK. Well, the more my stressed out brain thought about not going for 6 more weeks, the more I decided it just wasn't going to fly. I called the office back and said we needed to come up with another plan. I would go crazy by the time March 9 rolled around. She scheduled me with a different doctor and I got in the very next day, which was January 29th. The appointment was for 7:40am. I had to have something called a Colposcopy. Go ahead, Google it. I did. The procedure was explained to me twice that morning. Thanks. I got it. I know the doctor meant well and was trying to make me feel less nervous and awkward, but she talked every second of that procedure. I just wanted to throat punch her and say, "PLEASE, JUST SHUT UP! I am doing my dead level best not to freak out here." It took longer than I would have liked, but "I did great" according to Doc. Now I wait a week for those results. Hurry up and wait seems to be the name of the game. I am sure abnormal PAP test results have happened to like a million women and everything has turned out fine, but it has never happened to me and that's what matters.
So here's another kicker... as I was sitting half naked on the table waiting for my doctor person to come in, I receive a text message from my uncle telling me that my aunt (who has been home only one week) fell and hurt her arm pretty badly and had been taken to the hospital. WHAT? NOT AGAIN?! Yep. She fell trying to go out on her back deck at midnight to smoke. I know, right. My aunt is very frail and probably only weighs 100 lbs. soaking wet. Her bones will break if someone touches her too hard. Her skin is like the thinnest translucent paper; it will tear, rip, skin at the mere mention of "tear, rip, skin." The woman is 74 (I think) and she has a whole host of problems. COPD-Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (super super bad), emphysema, heart problems, bi-polar in a big big way, rheumatoid arthritis attacking her entire body, terrible circulation issues, I mean, she's in bad shape! It turns out she broke a bone in her left hand. She took the skin off her upper arm and this will take forever to heal. She is black and blue. When she got to the hospital, her breathing was really bad and the ER docs immediately put her on high flowing oxygen. She has now been in the ICU for four days. I am in Asheville now, sitting in her room. She is asleep. She has to be kept "lightly" sedated due to "agitated delirium." This seems to be the main concern at present. The medicine they are giving her can only be given in the ICU. They have tried to wean her off this medication but even dropping it by a tenth causes her to wake up madder than a hornet. She yells out, "Help me, please. Help me, please" constantly. She tries to take out her IV and she did manage to take out her feeding tube yesterday. It runs into nose down into the stomach. I can't say as I blame her for that one, but because she is doing these things, they have had to put her arms in restraints. I hate to see it. It makes me sad. When she is semi-awake she struggles so hard and not being able to free her hands, makes her even more agitated. It's all just pitiful. I honestly don't know how her tiny body can take much more. Talk about being hit by a tidal wave over and over... that would be her. I've started referring to her as "Super Cat." She seriously has way more than "9 lives." Her body continues to take these beatings over and over again. I have prayed before and I prayed this prayer yesterday on the drive here, "Lord, please take her home. Just take her." She would have a perfect disease free body in Heaven. She would be set free. Her mind would be free of the demons that plague her so mercilessly. I can't help but want this for her even if it means I would be sad. Her quality of life is basically at zero. She is in terrible pain 24/7. Her mind constantly tortures her. It's like a cruel and unusual punishment. I don't understand how God continues to allow this "Hell on Earth" for her. Imagine never being able to be at peace, never able to have one restful easy moment, never a second without pain, always in a constant state of turmoil and confusion with never a clear thought. Imagine that for one minute. That's her life. How inviting heaven must be!! I have to drive back to Winston tonight and I have no idea what the next few days may bring, so that Tidal Wave I see out in the distance gets closer.
Last week brought discussions via email about our Separation Agreement and impending divorce. April will be the one year mark according to the state of North Carolina. I love North Carolina like a crazy person, but here is one thing they didn't do right--Divorce. As the April date draws closer, it all becomes increasingly real and with the "realness" comes many emotions. It will be then that the Tidal Wave makes landfall. I just know it. It will come. Last week, I could literally feel the Black Cloud. It seemed as if it would smother me at times. I get very scared about my future. I get myself worked up into a big ball of doubt. I cry. I catch myself wanting to give in at times--"I don't think I can do this," says the devil on my shoulder. Listen, for most of my life I've been married and have been taken care of and basically had no worries to speak of; I don't know how to do anything. Cars, house related stuff, insurance, taxes, fix things... what? who me?? No. I never had to do any of those things; I busied myself with taking care of the house--making sure it was clean and looked good and went to the grocery store and cooked meals and I stayed home with my children and took care of their needs and wants. Now it's just me. I can get freaked out by it if I let myself. Now, do you hear all that "negative" coming out of my mouth? I'm trying very hard not to go down that road. It's not me. It's not who I want to be. Something dark has happened the last couple of weeks and it gripped me. I need to get it out, shake it loose and let it go. I've got to continue building those braces and support beams. The storm is coming and I want to be prepared.
The water may be rising, and some days seem to have more than I can handle; I know some tough stuff is in my future but I do know how to swim. Thank God for that!
I'm working on my Freestyle,
D~
This past week has been a doozy, a lot of storms. Really the last two weeks have been "quite a bit." Quite a bit of what, I'm not exactly sure. All of this "uneasy" started with a headache that lasted for 6 days--yes, SIX days. I took more Advil, Tylenol, Excedrin in those 6 days than I have in my whole life. It was to the point I was afraid for my liver! The cause of the headache puzzled me for awhile and then I attributed it to "stress." Stress can totally wreck havoc on one's body. What was I stressed out about? Some things I can share and some things I can't but when my mind is so full and overwhelmed, the result is a splitting headache and for some reason, add on an extreme "crick" in my neck and across my shoulders that has lasted for 3 weeks now. I can't get rid of it. I even went for a massage twice to see if that would help. Nope. Hmmm? Well, report cards were due and even though I teach Kindergarten, those dang cards take me HOURS to do. My aunt was being discharged from the Rehab facility to go home. She hasn't been home in 7 months. I was getting calls and emails. I was worried about her going home b/c I knew it was very "iffy" as to whether she would be able to stay home. My daughter is jobless at the moment and she needs a job very badly. I am, of course, concerned about her and how she is going to support herself in the coming days if something doesn't happen soon. She is very smart; she's a go getter. She's no slouch in making things happen. The girl has applied to MANY places, had a few phone interviews, networked, and so far nothing is happening. No bites. My oldest son is experiencing some health issues that could be serious. He had some blood work done this week. We are waiting to hear the results.
On a more personal stress note, it was Monday(a week ago), I get a call from the doctor's office saying I had an "abnormal test result." I finally broke down and went to see my GYN b/c I had not been in two years, so I figured I needed to get myself in for a routine check up. So I did. Girls, you know the drill and how those appointments work. A week later my PAP test comes back "abnormal." Ok, so I've never had an abnormal PAP test before and this was all weirding me out a bit. I asked a million questions and even took notes. I got an appointment for March 9. WHAT? That's like 6 weeks away, but OK. Well, the more my stressed out brain thought about not going for 6 more weeks, the more I decided it just wasn't going to fly. I called the office back and said we needed to come up with another plan. I would go crazy by the time March 9 rolled around. She scheduled me with a different doctor and I got in the very next day, which was January 29th. The appointment was for 7:40am. I had to have something called a Colposcopy. Go ahead, Google it. I did. The procedure was explained to me twice that morning. Thanks. I got it. I know the doctor meant well and was trying to make me feel less nervous and awkward, but she talked every second of that procedure. I just wanted to throat punch her and say, "PLEASE, JUST SHUT UP! I am doing my dead level best not to freak out here." It took longer than I would have liked, but "I did great" according to Doc. Now I wait a week for those results. Hurry up and wait seems to be the name of the game. I am sure abnormal PAP test results have happened to like a million women and everything has turned out fine, but it has never happened to me and that's what matters.
So here's another kicker... as I was sitting half naked on the table waiting for my doctor person to come in, I receive a text message from my uncle telling me that my aunt (who has been home only one week) fell and hurt her arm pretty badly and had been taken to the hospital. WHAT? NOT AGAIN?! Yep. She fell trying to go out on her back deck at midnight to smoke. I know, right. My aunt is very frail and probably only weighs 100 lbs. soaking wet. Her bones will break if someone touches her too hard. Her skin is like the thinnest translucent paper; it will tear, rip, skin at the mere mention of "tear, rip, skin." The woman is 74 (I think) and she has a whole host of problems. COPD-Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (super super bad), emphysema, heart problems, bi-polar in a big big way, rheumatoid arthritis attacking her entire body, terrible circulation issues, I mean, she's in bad shape! It turns out she broke a bone in her left hand. She took the skin off her upper arm and this will take forever to heal. She is black and blue. When she got to the hospital, her breathing was really bad and the ER docs immediately put her on high flowing oxygen. She has now been in the ICU for four days. I am in Asheville now, sitting in her room. She is asleep. She has to be kept "lightly" sedated due to "agitated delirium." This seems to be the main concern at present. The medicine they are giving her can only be given in the ICU. They have tried to wean her off this medication but even dropping it by a tenth causes her to wake up madder than a hornet. She yells out, "Help me, please. Help me, please" constantly. She tries to take out her IV and she did manage to take out her feeding tube yesterday. It runs into nose down into the stomach. I can't say as I blame her for that one, but because she is doing these things, they have had to put her arms in restraints. I hate to see it. It makes me sad. When she is semi-awake she struggles so hard and not being able to free her hands, makes her even more agitated. It's all just pitiful. I honestly don't know how her tiny body can take much more. Talk about being hit by a tidal wave over and over... that would be her. I've started referring to her as "Super Cat." She seriously has way more than "9 lives." Her body continues to take these beatings over and over again. I have prayed before and I prayed this prayer yesterday on the drive here, "Lord, please take her home. Just take her." She would have a perfect disease free body in Heaven. She would be set free. Her mind would be free of the demons that plague her so mercilessly. I can't help but want this for her even if it means I would be sad. Her quality of life is basically at zero. She is in terrible pain 24/7. Her mind constantly tortures her. It's like a cruel and unusual punishment. I don't understand how God continues to allow this "Hell on Earth" for her. Imagine never being able to be at peace, never able to have one restful easy moment, never a second without pain, always in a constant state of turmoil and confusion with never a clear thought. Imagine that for one minute. That's her life. How inviting heaven must be!! I have to drive back to Winston tonight and I have no idea what the next few days may bring, so that Tidal Wave I see out in the distance gets closer.
Last week brought discussions via email about our Separation Agreement and impending divorce. April will be the one year mark according to the state of North Carolina. I love North Carolina like a crazy person, but here is one thing they didn't do right--Divorce. As the April date draws closer, it all becomes increasingly real and with the "realness" comes many emotions. It will be then that the Tidal Wave makes landfall. I just know it. It will come. Last week, I could literally feel the Black Cloud. It seemed as if it would smother me at times. I get very scared about my future. I get myself worked up into a big ball of doubt. I cry. I catch myself wanting to give in at times--"I don't think I can do this," says the devil on my shoulder. Listen, for most of my life I've been married and have been taken care of and basically had no worries to speak of; I don't know how to do anything. Cars, house related stuff, insurance, taxes, fix things... what? who me?? No. I never had to do any of those things; I busied myself with taking care of the house--making sure it was clean and looked good and went to the grocery store and cooked meals and I stayed home with my children and took care of their needs and wants. Now it's just me. I can get freaked out by it if I let myself. Now, do you hear all that "negative" coming out of my mouth? I'm trying very hard not to go down that road. It's not me. It's not who I want to be. Something dark has happened the last couple of weeks and it gripped me. I need to get it out, shake it loose and let it go. I've got to continue building those braces and support beams. The storm is coming and I want to be prepared.
The water may be rising, and some days seem to have more than I can handle; I know some tough stuff is in my future but I do know how to swim. Thank God for that!
I'm working on my Freestyle,
D~
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