A Different Kind of Christmas
Those who know me, KNOW that Christmas is my thing. My most favorite time of year. I go all out and then some on the decorations, the music, the pep in my step... all of it. I love Christmas so for a couple of months I have been telling myself that this would be a good Christmas. I knew there would be many adjustments to be made on everyone's part but I would do my best to make sure it would be a good Christmas for myself and for the kids. Everything would work out and be ok and we would all get through this transition year just fine because after all, this IS the most wonderful time of the year! Well, thinking it and it actually happening are two different things.
Being in a "new house" this year, I wanted the Christmas decorations to look super great; I wanted the decorations to be really pretty and welcoming and I wanted the house to feel like home to all who entered, especially my children. It took me a long time to get it all up and looking like I wanted it to look, but this is one thing I did get right. I am very happy with the way the house looks for Christmas and believe it or not, the decorations do make me feel better. So the "look and feel" was achieved with flying colors. Next.
Christmas cards and the Christmas letter. Every year this is a very big deal. I began writing a Christmas letter in 1991. John Robert and Katelyn were toddlers (ages 3 and 2). I included details about the year and pictures of some highlighted moments. The letter got better with each passing year and with the advancements in technology, the looks of the letter improved greatly. I looked forward to writing this letter every Christmas and it became something our friends and family looked forward to as well. I have a notebook of all the letters I've written and I have a notebook of letters for each of the children. One day I will pass it on to them. It is a documented history of our family's growth and happenings through the years. A treasured keepsake for sure. Last year, with all the turmoil and upheaval, I just didn't have it in me to write it. I was sad about it and it was completely stressing me out. I thought , "I just have to write the letter. People are expecting it." My daughter sent me an email in early December, "Mom, I know you don't have time to write the letter and to help you out I've gone ahead and written one. You don't have to use it, but it's here if you want it. Read it and let me know." What a life preserver that was for me! Katelyn is a great writer on her own merit and the letter was perfect. She did such a good job that I have now decided to pass the torch on to her. She wrote this year's letter as well. I felt like the tradition should continue but with the changes in our family, it would be best for Katelyn to carry on the letter writing. I am proud of her and she does a wonderful job. (I will share her two letters in another post.) One day I might start writing a Christmas letter again, but for now I am on hiatus. This year's cards went out late. I was sitting at my dining room table on Dec. 22nd stuffing and addressing the cards. I told myself, "It's Ok. It's all good. Folks will get them when they get them." As I was sitting there with Katelyn, I had to call J for some reason. As I was talking to him those emotions started to eek in and a few tears started to fall. I got off the phone, pulled it together enough to get Kate out the door to the post office and as soon as she left, I had the first of two big meltdowns. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been in the ring fighting like a champ and all of a sudden I got sucker punched and I went down hard. Boy, did I cry!
On Christmas Eve three of the kids and myself went to the Moravian Love Feast service like we always do. We sat with some dear friends who saved us seats (thank goodness b/c we are always late getting there and are typically ushered to the front row). This service is a highlight of Christmas for me. The service starts with the choir singing Handel's Messiah. That song always gives me chill bumps. I love singing my favorite Christmas hymns (Silent Night is my absolute favorite); I love the simply decorated sanctuary with the huge Moravian star hanging up front; I love the lighting of the candles and the sharing together of the coffee and bun. It's about fellowship and sharing this beautiful season together. I was happy the kids still wanted to go with me. Their presence there at church was a gift to me.
Afterwards the kids left to meet their dad for the traditional Mexican Christmas Eve dinner and then they toured Tanglewood Festival of Lights (another family tradition). I sat in my car in the parking lot for a few minutes just trying to gather the strength to move on. I'm not going to lie, it was very hard watching the kids go knowing I was missing out on these family things. The kids would be coming back to my house after the lights. Thankfully while sitting in the car, a friend called me and was full of Christmas cheer and told me that Christmas is about the birth of our Savior and what a wondrous thing that is. Nothing else matters. All the stress of this time of year and the difficulties dealing with transition and difficult emotions it conjures up inside of us, are trivial when compared to the bigger picture. Christ's birth. He came for us. He came that we might have life everlasting. Love came down that starry night in a barn in a manger with young parents and animals all around. I soaked those words in like a sponge. I was able to go home and prepare a fun evening for the kids. It was just the medicine I needed to keep going.
The kids arrived around 10:30pm full of themselves and excited about Christmas. On Christmas Eve, the kids are allowed to open one gift and it is the same for all 4--Christmas pajamas. The last few years I have tried to find funny "matching" T-shirts.
I went to bed around 1:30am and I have no idea when the kids finally quieted down for the night. I fell asleep being thankful that all four were under the same roof with me. A different Christmas, yes, but for "this night," I was counting my blessings.
I got up before everyone else Christmas morning and started breakfast preparations. I fixed three different things, 2 of which are traditional Garlow foods... Cheese Danish and Monkey Bread. I did fix some gluten free cinnamon rolls for Katelyn. My first attempt at anything gluten free. They tasted pretty good if you added some whipped cream on top. The kids got up at 10:00 and we ate breakfast and then opened gifts. All of us stayed in our pajamas (again, it's what we typically do); we played ping pong and watched TV and relaxed. We had a nice Christmas together. The kids left around 3:00 to head over to John's for Christmas with him. This is when the &%$# got real!! I had to let them go and I had to let them go with a smile on my face. After they left, I plopped my tail on the couch and didn't move the rest of the day/evening. I may have gotten up to get something drink or eat but other than that, zilch. I thought I was handling the day pretty well (again there I go thinking) and it was nearing 9:30ish when I received a very touching text from my mother-in-law. I read it; I was good. Then as in typical Dawn fashion, I let my mind get away from me and I started thinking about memories and events and how much being alone on Christmas sucks... totally sucks and how afraid I am of being alone for future Christmases--future anything. So here was the 2nd meltdown. Tears and more tears upon more tears and I couldn't stop crying until the crying turned to sobs and then I knew I was in trouble. I made the decision to just go to bed. It was the best thing for me to do. I know me and I knew nothing good was going to come out of this sob session. Thankfully I have the ability to fall asleep no matter what is happening. Staying asleep is another matter entirely, but I can lay down and be asleep very quickly. I felt this was the answer at least for the time being. "Tomorrow" would be a new day.
This is the first Christmas I have not been on Bridgewood Rd. since 1997. This is the first Christmas the kids didn't wake up in their own house; they woke up in mine this year. This is the first Christmas that I didn't have a Christmas dinner or spend the entire day and night with my children. There have been a lot of "firsts" this Christmas, and the emotions have been all over the place. Things have been different. What choice was there other than "different?" It is what it is. It is an adjustment for all of us and we will get through it. We will make new traditions, new memories. Some of the old will be mixed with the new and that's OK. The bottom line is that we are family. It doesn't matter what house we live in or celebrate holidays in, we are family with one common goal and that is to love unconditionally and with great gusto. Christmas is still my favorite time of the year and it always will be. I've already made mental notes for next year to prevent meltdowns, depression and tumbles into the black hole. It is my hope that Christmas 2015 will be very different than 2014. So here's to lessons learned, a good Christmas with my 4 terrific children, blessings of friendship with some amazing people, shared moments and the gift of time, the Hallmark channel and a month and a half of Christmas music on the radio!
Only 362 more days!!!
D~
Being in a "new house" this year, I wanted the Christmas decorations to look super great; I wanted the decorations to be really pretty and welcoming and I wanted the house to feel like home to all who entered, especially my children. It took me a long time to get it all up and looking like I wanted it to look, but this is one thing I did get right. I am very happy with the way the house looks for Christmas and believe it or not, the decorations do make me feel better. So the "look and feel" was achieved with flying colors. Next.
Christmas cards and the Christmas letter. Every year this is a very big deal. I began writing a Christmas letter in 1991. John Robert and Katelyn were toddlers (ages 3 and 2). I included details about the year and pictures of some highlighted moments. The letter got better with each passing year and with the advancements in technology, the looks of the letter improved greatly. I looked forward to writing this letter every Christmas and it became something our friends and family looked forward to as well. I have a notebook of all the letters I've written and I have a notebook of letters for each of the children. One day I will pass it on to them. It is a documented history of our family's growth and happenings through the years. A treasured keepsake for sure. Last year, with all the turmoil and upheaval, I just didn't have it in me to write it. I was sad about it and it was completely stressing me out. I thought , "I just have to write the letter. People are expecting it." My daughter sent me an email in early December, "Mom, I know you don't have time to write the letter and to help you out I've gone ahead and written one. You don't have to use it, but it's here if you want it. Read it and let me know." What a life preserver that was for me! Katelyn is a great writer on her own merit and the letter was perfect. She did such a good job that I have now decided to pass the torch on to her. She wrote this year's letter as well. I felt like the tradition should continue but with the changes in our family, it would be best for Katelyn to carry on the letter writing. I am proud of her and she does a wonderful job. (I will share her two letters in another post.) One day I might start writing a Christmas letter again, but for now I am on hiatus. This year's cards went out late. I was sitting at my dining room table on Dec. 22nd stuffing and addressing the cards. I told myself, "It's Ok. It's all good. Folks will get them when they get them." As I was sitting there with Katelyn, I had to call J for some reason. As I was talking to him those emotions started to eek in and a few tears started to fall. I got off the phone, pulled it together enough to get Kate out the door to the post office and as soon as she left, I had the first of two big meltdowns. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been in the ring fighting like a champ and all of a sudden I got sucker punched and I went down hard. Boy, did I cry!
On Christmas Eve three of the kids and myself went to the Moravian Love Feast service like we always do. We sat with some dear friends who saved us seats (thank goodness b/c we are always late getting there and are typically ushered to the front row). This service is a highlight of Christmas for me. The service starts with the choir singing Handel's Messiah. That song always gives me chill bumps. I love singing my favorite Christmas hymns (Silent Night is my absolute favorite); I love the simply decorated sanctuary with the huge Moravian star hanging up front; I love the lighting of the candles and the sharing together of the coffee and bun. It's about fellowship and sharing this beautiful season together. I was happy the kids still wanted to go with me. Their presence there at church was a gift to me.
Afterwards the kids left to meet their dad for the traditional Mexican Christmas Eve dinner and then they toured Tanglewood Festival of Lights (another family tradition). I sat in my car in the parking lot for a few minutes just trying to gather the strength to move on. I'm not going to lie, it was very hard watching the kids go knowing I was missing out on these family things. The kids would be coming back to my house after the lights. Thankfully while sitting in the car, a friend called me and was full of Christmas cheer and told me that Christmas is about the birth of our Savior and what a wondrous thing that is. Nothing else matters. All the stress of this time of year and the difficulties dealing with transition and difficult emotions it conjures up inside of us, are trivial when compared to the bigger picture. Christ's birth. He came for us. He came that we might have life everlasting. Love came down that starry night in a barn in a manger with young parents and animals all around. I soaked those words in like a sponge. I was able to go home and prepare a fun evening for the kids. It was just the medicine I needed to keep going.
 |
| O Holy Night |
 |
| HO! HO! HO! |
I went to bed around 1:30am and I have no idea when the kids finally quieted down for the night. I fell asleep being thankful that all four were under the same roof with me. A different Christmas, yes, but for "this night," I was counting my blessings.
I got up before everyone else Christmas morning and started breakfast preparations. I fixed three different things, 2 of which are traditional Garlow foods... Cheese Danish and Monkey Bread. I did fix some gluten free cinnamon rolls for Katelyn. My first attempt at anything gluten free. They tasted pretty good if you added some whipped cream on top. The kids got up at 10:00 and we ate breakfast and then opened gifts. All of us stayed in our pajamas (again, it's what we typically do); we played ping pong and watched TV and relaxed. We had a nice Christmas together. The kids left around 3:00 to head over to John's for Christmas with him. This is when the &%$# got real!! I had to let them go and I had to let them go with a smile on my face. After they left, I plopped my tail on the couch and didn't move the rest of the day/evening. I may have gotten up to get something drink or eat but other than that, zilch. I thought I was handling the day pretty well (again there I go thinking) and it was nearing 9:30ish when I received a very touching text from my mother-in-law. I read it; I was good. Then as in typical Dawn fashion, I let my mind get away from me and I started thinking about memories and events and how much being alone on Christmas sucks... totally sucks and how afraid I am of being alone for future Christmases--future anything. So here was the 2nd meltdown. Tears and more tears upon more tears and I couldn't stop crying until the crying turned to sobs and then I knew I was in trouble. I made the decision to just go to bed. It was the best thing for me to do. I know me and I knew nothing good was going to come out of this sob session. Thankfully I have the ability to fall asleep no matter what is happening. Staying asleep is another matter entirely, but I can lay down and be asleep very quickly. I felt this was the answer at least for the time being. "Tomorrow" would be a new day.
This is the first Christmas I have not been on Bridgewood Rd. since 1997. This is the first Christmas the kids didn't wake up in their own house; they woke up in mine this year. This is the first Christmas that I didn't have a Christmas dinner or spend the entire day and night with my children. There have been a lot of "firsts" this Christmas, and the emotions have been all over the place. Things have been different. What choice was there other than "different?" It is what it is. It is an adjustment for all of us and we will get through it. We will make new traditions, new memories. Some of the old will be mixed with the new and that's OK. The bottom line is that we are family. It doesn't matter what house we live in or celebrate holidays in, we are family with one common goal and that is to love unconditionally and with great gusto. Christmas is still my favorite time of the year and it always will be. I've already made mental notes for next year to prevent meltdowns, depression and tumbles into the black hole. It is my hope that Christmas 2015 will be very different than 2014. So here's to lessons learned, a good Christmas with my 4 terrific children, blessings of friendship with some amazing people, shared moments and the gift of time, the Hallmark channel and a month and a half of Christmas music on the radio!
Only 362 more days!!!
D~
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