Sanctuary
There are words and then there are great words. I am a writer. I love to write. I love to read writings of others. Words are a big part of who I am, what I do, how I think and imagine and dream. I was talking to someone recently and the word "sanctuary" came up in conversation. We were actually discussing relationships. Since being separated and living on my own, I have had a lot of time to think about what went wrong in our marriage. What did I do or not do that brought me to this current place? What did he do or not do? How could we have changed things and set our marriage on a different course? What was missing for all those years? I have my own thoughts on all of that and most of it makes me really sad and it takes me to a place I don't like to go. So instead of focusing on the "really sad," I decided I wanted to concentrate on the "what's ahead?" There is a "what's ahead" even if I have no idea what it is or will be. There will be a brighter day. This I do know.
While I have had a lot of time to think about what went wrong, I have also had a lot time to think about what I want for the future. If I were ever fortunate enough to find happiness again, what do I want it to look like? What is it that I need/want? What do I want? What do I REALLY want? How do I see the relationship? How do I see me and my life with this currently fictitious other person? As my friend and I were talking, things like "feeling comfortable," "no drama," "complete ease," all came to mind, but then all of a sudden the word "sanctuary" was mentioned. Isn't that such an awesome word? This word resonated for me. It kind of shook me and woke me up. I haven't been able to let it go. In fact, I just like saying it. Sanctuary. It makes me actually feel something. It was at that moment that I figured out what I wanted. I want a place of sanctuary.
Sanctuary is a noun...it is a person, place or thing. Merriam-Webster defines sanctuary as
1. a consecrated place or the most sacred part of a religious building and 2. a place of refuge and protection. Wow! That's big! I try to imagine such a place. I try to imagine such a person. I wonder how in the world that can be found. Perhaps it won't be anything I consciously try to find. Someday, somewhere I will be minding my own business, doing my own thing and our paths will cross through no effort of our own. A chance meeting. Serendipitous if you will. Who knows?? I do have a large colorful imagination, and hopefully this "idea/thought" is not so far fetched that it could never happen.
Just the fact that one of the definitions is "a consecrated place, most sacred," tells me that it is incredibly important. It MEANS something. It's a "spiritual feeling" of sorts. Talk about special! Imagine that for a minute. Imagine a relationship so incredible that it's sacred. Now I know that marriage is already supposed to be sacred. I get that. In some parts of my soul, I feel like such a failure at something that was intended to be holy, something that was meant to be "forever." I failed. He failed. Ok, so we failed, now what am I going to do to keep that from ever happening again?
The second definition is "a place of refuge and protection." I LOVE that definition! Refuge and protection. Whomever is out there must be my "safe place." I need and want a safe haven. I need an anchor, a person to hold me steady. When I start to drift, I need that person to be solid, firm without wavering. A place and a person to come home to after a long day of work. A person who represents security and shelter whom I can be completely honest with and discuss my day--the good, the bad and the ugly, and vice versa. I need "my person" to be my refuge and protection from anything and everything outside of our walls. I want a personal cocoon. Is that so crazy? Could it really be "out there" somewhere? I also believe that two people must be a sanctuary for each other. One can't be the be all end all...there must be two with the same goal, the same desire... be the sanctuary for the other, that refuge and protection.
For some reason, I think this is just extraordinary. It is overwhelming in a good way. The mere thought of this actually being a thought gives me hope for the future. Hope is something I haven't felt in a very very long time. It is only a thought, but it is a thought that changes the way I look at things. It has helped adjust my attitude towards relationships. Believe me, my attitude the last few years has been nothing short of pitch black, so I consider this a personal step forward. Baby steps are at least a forward motion. I must move forward in order to survive, and not just survive to get through another day. I mean really survive with the intention of thriving. If I can't look across the bridge to see what's ahead, then I'm going to constantly be looking back and getting stuck in the mire of self-doubt, hurt, loneliness, depression, sadness. I can't do that to myself and expect anything to change. I have to change it, and only I can make that happen. Sometimes all it takes is a mental change, a turn around in one's thinking and outlook, to alter the course of one's life. Sometimes all it takes is the mention of one word.
May we all find our safe place,
D~
While I have had a lot of time to think about what went wrong, I have also had a lot time to think about what I want for the future. If I were ever fortunate enough to find happiness again, what do I want it to look like? What is it that I need/want? What do I want? What do I REALLY want? How do I see the relationship? How do I see me and my life with this currently fictitious other person? As my friend and I were talking, things like "feeling comfortable," "no drama," "complete ease," all came to mind, but then all of a sudden the word "sanctuary" was mentioned. Isn't that such an awesome word? This word resonated for me. It kind of shook me and woke me up. I haven't been able to let it go. In fact, I just like saying it. Sanctuary. It makes me actually feel something. It was at that moment that I figured out what I wanted. I want a place of sanctuary.
Sanctuary is a noun...it is a person, place or thing. Merriam-Webster defines sanctuary as
1. a consecrated place or the most sacred part of a religious building and 2. a place of refuge and protection. Wow! That's big! I try to imagine such a place. I try to imagine such a person. I wonder how in the world that can be found. Perhaps it won't be anything I consciously try to find. Someday, somewhere I will be minding my own business, doing my own thing and our paths will cross through no effort of our own. A chance meeting. Serendipitous if you will. Who knows?? I do have a large colorful imagination, and hopefully this "idea/thought" is not so far fetched that it could never happen.
Just the fact that one of the definitions is "a consecrated place, most sacred," tells me that it is incredibly important. It MEANS something. It's a "spiritual feeling" of sorts. Talk about special! Imagine that for a minute. Imagine a relationship so incredible that it's sacred. Now I know that marriage is already supposed to be sacred. I get that. In some parts of my soul, I feel like such a failure at something that was intended to be holy, something that was meant to be "forever." I failed. He failed. Ok, so we failed, now what am I going to do to keep that from ever happening again?
The second definition is "a place of refuge and protection." I LOVE that definition! Refuge and protection. Whomever is out there must be my "safe place." I need and want a safe haven. I need an anchor, a person to hold me steady. When I start to drift, I need that person to be solid, firm without wavering. A place and a person to come home to after a long day of work. A person who represents security and shelter whom I can be completely honest with and discuss my day--the good, the bad and the ugly, and vice versa. I need "my person" to be my refuge and protection from anything and everything outside of our walls. I want a personal cocoon. Is that so crazy? Could it really be "out there" somewhere? I also believe that two people must be a sanctuary for each other. One can't be the be all end all...there must be two with the same goal, the same desire... be the sanctuary for the other, that refuge and protection.
For some reason, I think this is just extraordinary. It is overwhelming in a good way. The mere thought of this actually being a thought gives me hope for the future. Hope is something I haven't felt in a very very long time. It is only a thought, but it is a thought that changes the way I look at things. It has helped adjust my attitude towards relationships. Believe me, my attitude the last few years has been nothing short of pitch black, so I consider this a personal step forward. Baby steps are at least a forward motion. I must move forward in order to survive, and not just survive to get through another day. I mean really survive with the intention of thriving. If I can't look across the bridge to see what's ahead, then I'm going to constantly be looking back and getting stuck in the mire of self-doubt, hurt, loneliness, depression, sadness. I can't do that to myself and expect anything to change. I have to change it, and only I can make that happen. Sometimes all it takes is a mental change, a turn around in one's thinking and outlook, to alter the course of one's life. Sometimes all it takes is the mention of one word.
May we all find our safe place,
D~
This is good-REAL GOOD!
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