Easter Newness

Today is Easter. Typically on Easter morning, one can see jelly beans strewn across the floor of our house letting all know that the Easter Bunny has indeed been here. He has come. He has gone, but he left a jelly bean trail throughout the whole house. The kids would wake up to find a small Tupperware cup outside their door; a cup to collect the jellybeans. It was a race. Who could get the most jellybeans in their cup first? This usually meant some form of pushing and shoving. We always hid their baskets too. After picking up the beans, then they would start looking for their baskets. It was great fun. Well, there is none of that this morning. The house is quiet. I am the only one awake and for the first time, not all of the kids are here on Easter morning. I guess there have to be "firsts" along the way, but it's not so great when that first "first" happens. Maybe it's different for Moms. We moms tend to be very nostalgic, sentimental; we want our kids to be kids forever sometimes just so we can keep doing those fun traditional holiday things in hopes of making our kids happy, and in turn, we are happy b/c we love seeing them happy.  It's hard to let go sometimes. :)

Today will be different. Three of my four kids are in town. I plan to have the 3 of them over for Easter lunch at my "new place."  I will do their Easter baskets and have them waiting on them when they arrive. I made Jared's Easter basket and sent it with dad to WV. Jared has a soccer tournament this weekend so was unable to come home. J went to his games so I sent his basket. He had to have his basket! :)

I've been staying at the "main house" because it's been so cold and I have no heat in my "new place." J left on Thursday so I had a long weekend to do more packing and cleaning.  I have not been able to get everything moved out and I really don't know when I will get it all moved out. There is just SO MUCH STUFF!! I know I'm prolonging and just making things worse by not just "ripping the band-aid off" but I just can't seem to get it done. It is exhausting, physically and mentally, and I suppose I'm just avoiding it. That first big push of moving was enough to put me over and over I did go. Now, I find I have no motivation to finish the job.  It hurts too much.

Anyway, back to Easter... I got to my house at 10am and immediately starting preparing for lunch. We had to eat early because my oldest had to be at work by 3:30. I wanted our lunch to be really good. Special. Good food. A pretty table set with the good china. Full Easter baskets with favorite candy and a little present for each Chicklet. Our lunch included a baked ham, broccoli casserole, yams, deviled eggs, sweet tea, and rolls. We were all too full to eat dessert!

After lunch, we even dyed Easter eggs! We didn't have time before Easter so I just hard boiled 3 dozen eggs and decided we would do it today. :) The kids did it mostly for me I think, but at least they had a good attitude about it.

We had a nice afternoon together. I so enjoyed having the kids here with me. JR and Katelyn left and Jacob stayed awhile longer.  He ended up leaving around 9pm and I'm not sure what happened in the moments between him telling me he was getting ready to go and the moment he left, but I could feel myself fraying around the edges and I knew I was struggling to keep it together.  I managed to walk him to the door, hug him and tell him goodnight. The second I turned around to come back into the house, I burst into the most horrendous sobs. The cry came from the deepest part of my soul. Gut wrenching, broken sobs of heartbreak. I don't even know where it came from. The breakdown just happened. It was as if my insides were being ripped out of my body. I felt such a profound loss, I can't even explain it. I cried and cried for all that was lost, for what was given up, for what wasn't fought for... I sobbed at the overwhelming sense of loneliness I felt at that moment. I guess it was coming,

this breakdown. It had to happen eventually. I suppose it won't be the last either. It's just the way it is. 

I am so thankful for this Easter spent with 3 of my kids. I am thankful for good times today and new memories made. There will be more memories made here b/c I will make sure of it. Hopefully it will get a little easier. Hopefully all of us will fall into some kind of routine, some kind of "new normal." It's a big adjustment for all of us, and we are trying.

Looking forward to a new day,

D~