Getting Off the Escalator
I feel like I'm riding on an escalator; I get off and walk two steps and get back on again. I keep doing this over and over. This is how my days go of late. Up and down, around in circles. I used to love to ride escalators when I was a little kid. It was fun THEN to get on and off, turn around and walk down the up or up the down, but when you're on it in real life it is a whole other thing and it's certainly NOT fun.
I want off! The thing is, should I get on a slow moving sidewalk thing like what they have in airports or should I just step off and walk on my two legs and feet? Those slow moving sidewalks help when you have a lot of walking to do especially if you are saddled with a bunch of luggage, but they sure do propel you forward once you get to the end of it and you better be ready to keep walking once it does! Maybe I need something to give me a little push, something to propel me forward. I'm stuck in a place that is unfamiliar. I don't like this "place." It's dark here and it's empty. Empty of joy and sunlight and happiness. I don't want to be here but I find myself here anyway. I am here alone without a compass or a map or even a walkie talkie. I have basically shut the world out and retreated inward. In my aloneness, at least I'm safe from having to talk to people, see people, interact and pretend I'm doing just great. I don't have the energy to be sociable and walk around a room engaging in conversation that is just conversation. It all requires too much of me right now. Even though it's safe here in this ugly dark place, I've got to get out. I know this. I am a girl who needs/craves sunlight and warmth. I'm a girl who likes to have a plan and know what's coming next. This state of limbo and indecisiveness is not me. I go after what I want and I don't settle for wishy washy. I've been moving along, on autopilot, waiting for something to happen. I don't know exactly what I've been waiting for, but I can't continue to "just wait." I don't know what or when or where or even how I'm going to get there; I just know something has got to "give."
A mediator appointed realtor came by the house this week to "take a look." J was out of town; he's been at the end of Florida for the past 4 days. So it was just me giving the tour and having to listen to what needs fixing and what needs doing before the house can go on the market. Ok, I've heard it all before and I know we have to do these things--yada yada yada. I suppose the point being is that it is OVERWHELMING, so we put it off and keep putting it off and the jobs never get done. Hello, we're back at Square 1--again, for the fifteenth time. She is coming back today to "measure everything." 3:00pm. I wish I cared more. She wants to know "about how long do you think it will take you all to get these things done so we can get the house listed?" We say, "two weeks." Now we are looking at the end of March and that's being positive about it. I look around this house and see all that has to be done and think, "Oh, my Lands! There's no way this is going to get done in 2 weeks!" Why? Because neither one of us has the energy nor the desire. I can see it in J's posture, his attitude, his responses, or rather his lack thereof. This process is going to take all of us if we are to get it done in two weeks. I know I'm not motivated. It hurts too much, but that has to change if there are going to be changes. Right? Right. Why is it always the MOM who gets things going? Who makes things happen? It's always been this way and I know all you women out there agree with me. It's life.
I have made a giant leap though. A leap kind of hidden in the shadows for now. It scares me to death, but there is a certain amount of excitement about it as well. Perhaps not excitement, but something sort of "sparky." This is what happened... a few weeks ago I found a house for rent. It's 2 miles from work and a mile and a half from the high school. It's an older home, very well built, perfect for what I need. It's white and it has a screened in porch and two fireplaces and plenty of storage. I loved it. I had the chance to say, "yes," but I was so uncertain as to whether or not I could afford to do it. I just couldn't get myself to give the "go ahead sign." In the meantime, someone else looked at it and took it. I was devastated. The owner of the house told me the people were relocating from FL and had to get some things in order. They had the chance to back out if necessary. They would know something mid-week. The owner told me "don't give up hope just yet." Well, I wasn't very hopeful and I continued to look for another place. Nothing ever caught my attention quite as much as the "white house." I did pray even though it felt strange to ask God to help me with this house or any house. Little did I know at that time, another sweet friend of mine was praying too.
On Wednesday of this week, I was sitting at my desk at school and a text came in... "The people backed out. Do you still want the house?" I about had a heart attack! I was excited yet still very unsure to commit b/c of uncertainty of funds. I took a couple of hours to reply back to her and asked if I could bring a friend with me that afternoon to look at the house again? She said, "Yes." Well, to make a long story short, I said, "I want the house." I filled out an application, faxed it in, and now I am waiting for her to "check me out." I felt like I couldn't let the house go again. I just couldn't. I did pray that it would work out. Now I have another chance... completely unexpected. I thought I had lost out for sure. Is this God's answer to my prayer, answer to my friend's prayer? She told me she prayed that if the house fell through, it would be a sign for me to have the house. :) Maybe. Maybe it is. I find myself really wanting to live there. It had a good "feel" to it. I felt like I could make this "home" for me and for the kids. I need a place spacious enough for my children. I want them to feel "at home" wherever I am, and I believe I can make this house just that, even if it is temporary.
According to some of my more "business type friends," it would not be wise to sign a lease without some certainty (in writing) as to what J is going to give me for support. Well, his lawyer is out of the country this next week, so I know there will not be a reply until he gets back. How long am I going to wait?? These people won't wait on me forever. "Maybe you should just stay in your house until it sells. You've made it this long." Are they right? Probably. Maybe. Yes, the "smart thing" would be don't do anything until I have a commitment in writing. But here's the thing... these people aren't living in my shoes. Their soul is not dying. They aren't on the verge of some emotional/mental disaster. They are not on the edge of "I'm losing my freaking mind." I am. Sometimes we don't always do the "smart thing"; we do the thing that might save us and pray we survive it. We go against the "grain" so to speak. If I do this, I'm sure some will call me "unwise", maybe even foolish to do such a thing; they won't agree with me. However, since they are my friends, I figure they will still support me nonetheless. (I do have the best friends in the world after all.)
So here I am, about to step off the escalator and try walking on my own for a bit. I need to use these legs in order for them to get stronger. There has to be a starting point. I've heard the first step is always the scariest, always the hardest. Well, I'm scared alright. Scared of complete failure. I'm scared this is all wrong. I'm scared about the future and afraid of being alone the rest of my days. You name it, it frightens me. We were never promised a rose garden. Life is tough. We've got to be tougher if we are to survive the constant barrage of hits and assaults. I'm trying to do something to survive them. I'm trying to make my way back to the sunlight.
Y'all stay with me, please.
D~
I want off! The thing is, should I get on a slow moving sidewalk thing like what they have in airports or should I just step off and walk on my two legs and feet? Those slow moving sidewalks help when you have a lot of walking to do especially if you are saddled with a bunch of luggage, but they sure do propel you forward once you get to the end of it and you better be ready to keep walking once it does! Maybe I need something to give me a little push, something to propel me forward. I'm stuck in a place that is unfamiliar. I don't like this "place." It's dark here and it's empty. Empty of joy and sunlight and happiness. I don't want to be here but I find myself here anyway. I am here alone without a compass or a map or even a walkie talkie. I have basically shut the world out and retreated inward. In my aloneness, at least I'm safe from having to talk to people, see people, interact and pretend I'm doing just great. I don't have the energy to be sociable and walk around a room engaging in conversation that is just conversation. It all requires too much of me right now. Even though it's safe here in this ugly dark place, I've got to get out. I know this. I am a girl who needs/craves sunlight and warmth. I'm a girl who likes to have a plan and know what's coming next. This state of limbo and indecisiveness is not me. I go after what I want and I don't settle for wishy washy. I've been moving along, on autopilot, waiting for something to happen. I don't know exactly what I've been waiting for, but I can't continue to "just wait." I don't know what or when or where or even how I'm going to get there; I just know something has got to "give."
A mediator appointed realtor came by the house this week to "take a look." J was out of town; he's been at the end of Florida for the past 4 days. So it was just me giving the tour and having to listen to what needs fixing and what needs doing before the house can go on the market. Ok, I've heard it all before and I know we have to do these things--yada yada yada. I suppose the point being is that it is OVERWHELMING, so we put it off and keep putting it off and the jobs never get done. Hello, we're back at Square 1--again, for the fifteenth time. She is coming back today to "measure everything." 3:00pm. I wish I cared more. She wants to know "about how long do you think it will take you all to get these things done so we can get the house listed?" We say, "two weeks." Now we are looking at the end of March and that's being positive about it. I look around this house and see all that has to be done and think, "Oh, my Lands! There's no way this is going to get done in 2 weeks!" Why? Because neither one of us has the energy nor the desire. I can see it in J's posture, his attitude, his responses, or rather his lack thereof. This process is going to take all of us if we are to get it done in two weeks. I know I'm not motivated. It hurts too much, but that has to change if there are going to be changes. Right? Right. Why is it always the MOM who gets things going? Who makes things happen? It's always been this way and I know all you women out there agree with me. It's life.
I have made a giant leap though. A leap kind of hidden in the shadows for now. It scares me to death, but there is a certain amount of excitement about it as well. Perhaps not excitement, but something sort of "sparky." This is what happened... a few weeks ago I found a house for rent. It's 2 miles from work and a mile and a half from the high school. It's an older home, very well built, perfect for what I need. It's white and it has a screened in porch and two fireplaces and plenty of storage. I loved it. I had the chance to say, "yes," but I was so uncertain as to whether or not I could afford to do it. I just couldn't get myself to give the "go ahead sign." In the meantime, someone else looked at it and took it. I was devastated. The owner of the house told me the people were relocating from FL and had to get some things in order. They had the chance to back out if necessary. They would know something mid-week. The owner told me "don't give up hope just yet." Well, I wasn't very hopeful and I continued to look for another place. Nothing ever caught my attention quite as much as the "white house." I did pray even though it felt strange to ask God to help me with this house or any house. Little did I know at that time, another sweet friend of mine was praying too.
On Wednesday of this week, I was sitting at my desk at school and a text came in... "The people backed out. Do you still want the house?" I about had a heart attack! I was excited yet still very unsure to commit b/c of uncertainty of funds. I took a couple of hours to reply back to her and asked if I could bring a friend with me that afternoon to look at the house again? She said, "Yes." Well, to make a long story short, I said, "I want the house." I filled out an application, faxed it in, and now I am waiting for her to "check me out." I felt like I couldn't let the house go again. I just couldn't. I did pray that it would work out. Now I have another chance... completely unexpected. I thought I had lost out for sure. Is this God's answer to my prayer, answer to my friend's prayer? She told me she prayed that if the house fell through, it would be a sign for me to have the house. :) Maybe. Maybe it is. I find myself really wanting to live there. It had a good "feel" to it. I felt like I could make this "home" for me and for the kids. I need a place spacious enough for my children. I want them to feel "at home" wherever I am, and I believe I can make this house just that, even if it is temporary.
According to some of my more "business type friends," it would not be wise to sign a lease without some certainty (in writing) as to what J is going to give me for support. Well, his lawyer is out of the country this next week, so I know there will not be a reply until he gets back. How long am I going to wait?? These people won't wait on me forever. "Maybe you should just stay in your house until it sells. You've made it this long." Are they right? Probably. Maybe. Yes, the "smart thing" would be don't do anything until I have a commitment in writing. But here's the thing... these people aren't living in my shoes. Their soul is not dying. They aren't on the verge of some emotional/mental disaster. They are not on the edge of "I'm losing my freaking mind." I am. Sometimes we don't always do the "smart thing"; we do the thing that might save us and pray we survive it. We go against the "grain" so to speak. If I do this, I'm sure some will call me "unwise", maybe even foolish to do such a thing; they won't agree with me. However, since they are my friends, I figure they will still support me nonetheless. (I do have the best friends in the world after all.)
So here I am, about to step off the escalator and try walking on my own for a bit. I need to use these legs in order for them to get stronger. There has to be a starting point. I've heard the first step is always the scariest, always the hardest. Well, I'm scared alright. Scared of complete failure. I'm scared this is all wrong. I'm scared about the future and afraid of being alone the rest of my days. You name it, it frightens me. We were never promised a rose garden. Life is tough. We've got to be tougher if we are to survive the constant barrage of hits and assaults. I'm trying to do something to survive them. I'm trying to make my way back to the sunlight.
Y'all stay with me, please.
D~
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