Sinking Sand
It's easier for me to write here than talk to each of you about how the day went yesterday... Mediation Day. It was undoubtedly the worst day of my life (to date)... for a number of reasons. We had to be at the law office by 9:30am. I had to take the day off from work. I was there on time and so was J. Thankfully we were at opposite ends of the building, but just a couple of hours earlier we were in the same house, getting ready for the same "event." I left my house way early just to avoid having to see him. I sat at Starbucks for nearly an hour and a half.
Once at the office, the mediator introduced himself, gave a short run down of how things were going to work, and then he left to start with J. The purpose of this mediation was to TRY to come to an agreement on alimony and disbursement of assets. Needless to say, we never got to the "ED" as they call it... equitable distribution. In fact, we never finalized anything. We spent 7 1/2 hours in a room, going back and forth, with nothing ever getting settled. Actually, there really wasn't a lot of "back and forth." It seemed J and his lawyer came to this little shindig very unprepared. It seemed they spent the day playing catch up, and doing their homework in class so to speak. We were all very frustrated, including the mediator!! At 5:00, I had to call it quits. I had to be at school by 6:00 for a PTA event. YEAH. I did. J did make a "counter-offer" at the very end of the day, but I had no time to think about it nor respond. I had to go. My lawyer and I said to let them know we would consider the offer and get back with them. That was that.
At the end of this grueling day very very little was accomplished. I did have to pay $975 to the mediator AND $2,437.50 to my lawyer for her time. So at the end of the day I had spent $3,412.50 for what? A stroke waiting to happen? High blood pressure? The ability to barely be able to breathe? Sickening nausea and "all I want to do is vomit" feelings nearly every minute of the day? So what I had hoped would be a productive, let's get this thing moving forward kind of day, turned out to be just the opposite. Now we are looking at ANOTHER DAY to continue this mediation process. "Hi, Dawn, can you come back to mediation on March 26th?"
(I don't know why the rest of this post is in a different font, but it is and I can't fix it. Sorry.) My reply, and I quote: "Here's the deal... I felt like all we did yesterday was sit and wait. We waited for them to "catch up" with us. It seemed as if they had not done their homework so to speak and used 7 hours to look over the work R had already done. It was maddening. I had to spend over $3000 to sit on my a$$ all day and for my lawyer to basically sit on hers as well. (no fault of R's). J knows what's going on now. He knows what my budget looks like (he looked at it for 4 hours) and he knows his offer was lame." So, no, I'm not favorable to another mediation day.
Now what else made this day so achingly horrific? How about the fact that my husband of nearly 30 years has no compassion, no sense of any obligation whatsoever towards me. As one friend said, "a good faith offer." There wasn't one. J makes TRIPLE what I make. Triple and that's no lie. I'm not going to get too deep into the nitty gritty of the details of the day of what was offered, what wasn't, what should have been, etc... What he proposed...not. As I walked out of there, I was heart sick. I was incredibly sad. I was frustrated and annoyed. I couldn't believe that *I* was actually in this position--that *we* were actually in this position. I left there scared out of my mind that I was not going to be able to "make it." How in the world am I going to live on my own? I've never done that. I've never lived alone. I'm afraid. I'm so very afraid. I was heart sick over a love lost. A marriage disintegrated over time due to negligence on both sides. A deep sadness for both of us. Why didn't we fight harder? Try harder to heal the broken parts? I don't know the answer to those questions. But I do know this... we are both responsible for letting it happen.
I can honestly say I've never felt as low or as defeated in my whole life as I did at the end of 2/24/14. I felt like I was walking on wet kleenex. Does that make sense to you? Imagine trying to walk on a road made of wet kleenex. Would you feel safe? Secure? Confident? All I wanted to do was run and hide and cry until the water in me was completely gone. I didn't have that luxury b/c I had to rush home, change clothes and rush back to school for a PTA parent night. Oh, and did I mention, go home, the same home as J? We had to both go to the same home, look at each other knowing the adversarial nature of the day. Tell me you wouldn't be a basket case!
I remember standing at my pantry door looking for a small bite of something to eat before running out the door again. As I stood there, emotions flooded over me. I thought, "Now I can understand why some people kill themselves." The pain they face is more than they can stand. They feel it is more than they can fight by themselves. These people see no hope, no brighter days, no end to the darkness that surrounds them. I get it. I would never take my own life, so don't misunderstand, but I now understand a small glimpse into the mind of someone who might be feeling this way. Truthfully, I scared my own self when I realized I had just "thought that." What? Did that thought/feeling just pass through my brain?? I quickly did a 360 and got away from the pantry! When I said I was as low as I've ever been in my life, I wasn't kidding.
I sat in my bed last night trying to think of anything to let some light in to my dark and weary soul. I was trying to think of Bible verses. I've memorized hundreds of verses in my life, but at that moment I couldn't think of one. I was trying to think of empowering phrases, poems, quotes, anything. What finally came to me were these two words, "sinking sand." I felt like I had been on sinking sand all day long. Quicksand if you will. Once in it, you keep sinking until you are completely under and life is gone. As I was comparing my feelings to standing on "sinking sand," I kept trying to place this phrase. Then I remembered it came from a hymn I sang growing up in those Baptist churches. I couldn't remember the name of it, so I Googled it. :) (Ah, the power of the Internet!)
It was the very one I had swirling around in my memory from long ago. I read the words and listened to the music. I found myself able to sing it quietly, perhaps it wasn't even audible, but I felt like it was. Somehow these words and music brought a bit of balm to my broken heart. I'm not an overly religious person, meaning I don't go preaching and broadcasting to all who will listen, and I don't go around sharing Bible verses with every person I meet, nor do I quote them on an everyday basis. However, I do believe. I believe the words as surely as I believe the sun will rise each morning, and in this moment I was able to accept it as a bit of Solid Ground. I found a little footing.
Here are the words to "Solid Rock"...http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php/h/298
Once at the office, the mediator introduced himself, gave a short run down of how things were going to work, and then he left to start with J. The purpose of this mediation was to TRY to come to an agreement on alimony and disbursement of assets. Needless to say, we never got to the "ED" as they call it... equitable distribution. In fact, we never finalized anything. We spent 7 1/2 hours in a room, going back and forth, with nothing ever getting settled. Actually, there really wasn't a lot of "back and forth." It seemed J and his lawyer came to this little shindig very unprepared. It seemed they spent the day playing catch up, and doing their homework in class so to speak. We were all very frustrated, including the mediator!! At 5:00, I had to call it quits. I had to be at school by 6:00 for a PTA event. YEAH. I did. J did make a "counter-offer" at the very end of the day, but I had no time to think about it nor respond. I had to go. My lawyer and I said to let them know we would consider the offer and get back with them. That was that.
At the end of this grueling day very very little was accomplished. I did have to pay $975 to the mediator AND $2,437.50 to my lawyer for her time. So at the end of the day I had spent $3,412.50 for what? A stroke waiting to happen? High blood pressure? The ability to barely be able to breathe? Sickening nausea and "all I want to do is vomit" feelings nearly every minute of the day? So what I had hoped would be a productive, let's get this thing moving forward kind of day, turned out to be just the opposite. Now we are looking at ANOTHER DAY to continue this mediation process. "Hi, Dawn, can you come back to mediation on March 26th?"
(I don't know why the rest of this post is in a different font, but it is and I can't fix it. Sorry.) My reply, and I quote: "Here's the deal... I felt like all we did yesterday was sit and wait. We waited for them to "catch up" with us. It seemed as if they had not done their homework so to speak and used 7 hours to look over the work R had already done. It was maddening. I had to spend over $3000 to sit on my a$$ all day and for my lawyer to basically sit on hers as well. (no fault of R's). J knows what's going on now. He knows what my budget looks like (he looked at it for 4 hours) and he knows his offer was lame." So, no, I'm not favorable to another mediation day.
Now what else made this day so achingly horrific? How about the fact that my husband of nearly 30 years has no compassion, no sense of any obligation whatsoever towards me. As one friend said, "a good faith offer." There wasn't one. J makes TRIPLE what I make. Triple and that's no lie. I'm not going to get too deep into the nitty gritty of the details of the day of what was offered, what wasn't, what should have been, etc... What he proposed...not. As I walked out of there, I was heart sick. I was incredibly sad. I was frustrated and annoyed. I couldn't believe that *I* was actually in this position--that *we* were actually in this position. I left there scared out of my mind that I was not going to be able to "make it." How in the world am I going to live on my own? I've never done that. I've never lived alone. I'm afraid. I'm so very afraid. I was heart sick over a love lost. A marriage disintegrated over time due to negligence on both sides. A deep sadness for both of us. Why didn't we fight harder? Try harder to heal the broken parts? I don't know the answer to those questions. But I do know this... we are both responsible for letting it happen.
I can honestly say I've never felt as low or as defeated in my whole life as I did at the end of 2/24/14. I felt like I was walking on wet kleenex. Does that make sense to you? Imagine trying to walk on a road made of wet kleenex. Would you feel safe? Secure? Confident? All I wanted to do was run and hide and cry until the water in me was completely gone. I didn't have that luxury b/c I had to rush home, change clothes and rush back to school for a PTA parent night. Oh, and did I mention, go home, the same home as J? We had to both go to the same home, look at each other knowing the adversarial nature of the day. Tell me you wouldn't be a basket case!
I remember standing at my pantry door looking for a small bite of something to eat before running out the door again. As I stood there, emotions flooded over me. I thought, "Now I can understand why some people kill themselves." The pain they face is more than they can stand. They feel it is more than they can fight by themselves. These people see no hope, no brighter days, no end to the darkness that surrounds them. I get it. I would never take my own life, so don't misunderstand, but I now understand a small glimpse into the mind of someone who might be feeling this way. Truthfully, I scared my own self when I realized I had just "thought that." What? Did that thought/feeling just pass through my brain?? I quickly did a 360 and got away from the pantry! When I said I was as low as I've ever been in my life, I wasn't kidding.
I sat in my bed last night trying to think of anything to let some light in to my dark and weary soul. I was trying to think of Bible verses. I've memorized hundreds of verses in my life, but at that moment I couldn't think of one. I was trying to think of empowering phrases, poems, quotes, anything. What finally came to me were these two words, "sinking sand." I felt like I had been on sinking sand all day long. Quicksand if you will. Once in it, you keep sinking until you are completely under and life is gone. As I was comparing my feelings to standing on "sinking sand," I kept trying to place this phrase. Then I remembered it came from a hymn I sang growing up in those Baptist churches. I couldn't remember the name of it, so I Googled it. :) (Ah, the power of the Internet!)
It was the very one I had swirling around in my memory from long ago. I read the words and listened to the music. I found myself able to sing it quietly, perhaps it wasn't even audible, but I felt like it was. Somehow these words and music brought a bit of balm to my broken heart. I'm not an overly religious person, meaning I don't go preaching and broadcasting to all who will listen, and I don't go around sharing Bible verses with every person I meet, nor do I quote them on an everyday basis. However, I do believe. I believe the words as surely as I believe the sun will rise each morning, and in this moment I was able to accept it as a bit of Solid Ground. I found a little footing.
Here are the words to "Solid Rock"...http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php/h/298
- My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus Christ, my righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name. - On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand. - When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil. - His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood;
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay. - When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found;
In Him, my righteousness, alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.
I still feel like I'm caught in a flood and the waters are continually rising threatening to wash me away. I'm trying to find things to hold on to; I'm grasping for whatever is within reach. My arms are definitely weary from the struggle, but I'm doing my best not to let go. One day the water has to recede... little by little the current will ease up and I'll be able to stand again. I look forward to that day.
D~
I know how you love comments, but this has rendered me speechless. I hate that you are going through this pain. Hang on my dear old friend. Hang on.
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