Feeling Like a Zer0

A friend of mine asked me a question the other day and he prefaced it with this, "On a scale of 1-5, with 5 being the best, how would you say your...??" Well, that question got me thinking in a different direction. I happened to be driving back from Asheville, so I had a 2 hour drive to do nothing but think. (sometimes that is good and sometimes it's not so good)  The 2 hours was a good chunk of time to think about the last week, the last year, the last 29 years, basically my life. What I thought about the most was the more recent days of my life. I asked myself this question:  "On a scale of 1-5, with 5 being the best, how would I say my life is right now?" My life. How do I rate my life right now?  Well, at that moment, considering the way I was feeling and the week I just had, I gave myself a big fat ZERO.

I had a lot of stuff swirling around in my head. Lately, I've been feeling totally "off." I feel off balance in every area of my life--home, work, friends, relationships, self, etc... I think mostly "home"... I don't feel like I really have a home and all that term implies. I currently have a building that is my home (for now), but the good feelings that go with "home" are missing/not there.  Most of the time I feel like I can't breathe and my chest is so tight, like its being squeezed in a vise grip and I can't loosen it. I find myself trying to take deep breaths just to get some air into my lungs.  There are times, I've been short tempered with my Littles (so much stress at work); I've come home and done absolutely nothing but sit on the couch and watch TV. I have tons of stuff I need to do, but I can't seem to muster up the energy to do any of it. (I still haven't taken down my Christmas trees--that should tell you something!)  I hate this time change. It adds to the "I don't want to do anything b/c it's dark outside and all I want to do is go to bed" syndrome.  Not to mention the fact that it's been record breaking cold this January and who can stand that!?!

When I say, "I feel like my life is a Zero," I don't mean I feel worthless or am in the depths of despair. I also don't mean that my life is not full of blessings and good things, because it is. I mean, *I* feel like I am living at a "0."  I don't feel like I belong anywhere right now. I am in such a state of limbo with this divorce business, not even separated yet, but still moving forward with "the plan," whatever "the plan" is or is not.  Does that make sense? January has been a difficult month. January gets a raw deal because it immediately follows the "most magical time of the year"; it is full of seriously cold days and very little sunshine. So yeah, January is rough.

I see couples everywhere I look, everywhere I go. They are enjoying being together (as they should) and by all appearances, look relatively happy. I see "happy families" doing various activities together. Going places/vacations together... having big fun. I find myself really missing this part of my life that "used to be." Then I let myself go down the "negative road" and I think, "I'm never going to have that again. We are never going to be a family again and do all the fun things we used to do and go all the great places we used to go together and these big get togethers with all the cousins and aunts and uncles" and ... I just keep going down that alley until I'm completely sad and miserable and questioning everything again.  The truth is, "yes, we will!" We will have family times and go and do things together.  We will have big get togethers. It will be different but it will happen. It may take some time, but it WILL happen.  As to the couple thing, only God knows the answer to that. I sure hope so. I don't want to be alone the rest of my days. I want to share my life with someone.  I'm not closing that door, ever. I realize my mind, my heart are not ready just yet, but one day the healing will be complete and I will be able to picture a better day. I will be able to have hope for the future. Hope. I am trying very hard not to lose hope. I will admit that right now, I'm not feeling hopeful nor optimistic. It is temporary, but for now "it is what it is."

So "on a scale of 1-5, with 5 being the 'best', how do you rate your life?"  I hope it's above Zero.
Take care.
D~