It's Tough

For whatever reason, I have been completely at a loss as to what to write of late. I mean, blank slate type deal. It's even stressing me out that I can't think of something to write here on this blog. What is THAT about?? Today I had to leave work at 11:45 because I had a splitting please saw my head off headache. I could've tried taking more Advil and stayed through the rest of the day, but I just couldn't do it. I had to get out of there or I felt as if I was going to have a meltdown...not a meltdown in a mad way, but just an emotional meltdown. The headache started last night and I woke up at 4am with it pounding. I had hoped the combination of Advil and caffeine would take care of it. Nope.

 This week has been rough for various reasons. I haven't gotten much sleep; I've stayed late at work several days-when I leave it's nearly dark or it is dark, and by the time I do get home it's hurry and fix something for dinner, put a load of clothes in the washer, clean the kitchen and THEN I can sit down for the first time all day. When I do sit down, I don't feel like doing another thing, not even writing. I started many times, but I just couldn't do it. Work has also had me on overload. I've had meeting after meeting. I swear, I believe I could actually live there and never be done with all that I need to do. I had a big meeting this morning that I was totally responsible for and I've been preparing for it since Monday. I suppose trying to get everything ready and make sure everyone was on the same page, etc... caused more stress than I realized. Perhaps the reason for this massive headache.

One super great thing that happened this week was that my aunt finally got to go home after nearly two months of being in a nursing facility or the hospital. She is actually in her own home as of yesterday!! I am so thankful and so happy for her. I don't know how long it will last, but for now, she is home and happy to be there. I called her this evening just because "it's what I'm expected to do" and although I'm happy for her to be home and I love her, she always finds a way to tear at my heart somehow. It's always been this way. I can't even begin to explain our relationship. Let's just say I'm glad I've lived far away from her most of my adult life.

My brother was supposed to be back in NC (Aville) this week. I couldn't wait. I love spending time with him and we were going to go and visit my dad together. Next week is my birthday and we were going to celebrate early, etc... well, I called him tonight and he is still in Chicago. My heart sank. He won't be leaving IL until Saturday sometime, stopping over for the night in KY and then on to Aville Sunday. I won't get to see him this weekend. He will be gone the week of Thanksgiving as well. I don't know why, but I just started crying. I suppose that was the "last straw" for this week of "tough days."

Honestly, I felt like crying until the water just simply ran out, but as usual I knew I couldn't do that...
J was expected home any minute and I didn't want him to find me in a bucket of tears. He would ask "why are you crying?" and then the floodgates would open and that would be the end of it. I could not let that happen so I "sucked it up" and washed my face and carried on as if nothing was wrong. Hello, Headache, you're still here I see!  Well, is it any wonder?

As I've been home today, I thought about the "why am I having such a headache and why can't I get rid of it? I've taken NINE Advil and it's not going away." I have sooo much going on inside my head and my heart that it's all becoming too much I think. I am having a hard time keeping it all in nowadays.  Not to mention, here it is Thanksgiving in one week and my family is not going to be all together for the first time...ever. Ever. This puts a sadness over my heart that I can barely stand. I'm almost afraid for the day to arrive. I don't know how I will get through it. Tears fall even now. I can't stop them. What in the world will next week bring? Christmas? I finally understand why some people go into "nosedives" and "tail spins", severe depression around the holidays. It's tough, People; it's real tough and this is my most favorite time of the year. I don't want to be able to "compartmentalize" at the A+ level. In some ways, it's kinda scary to think that so much yuck can be going on in my life, and I have the ability to just "put it away" and carry on. I guess that can be a good thing at times, but there has to be a breaking point after so long of this intense "packing it away." That breaking point is what I'm worried about. My health is important to me and I don't want to find myself at the other end of a stroke or a heart attack or a nervous breakdown or any number of other ailments. I know stress can do terrible things to one's body. I've been working hard at trying to avoid these impairments.

This thing with my husband and I has been going on for OVER a year. It all came to a head August of 2012... ok, that entire time was a hell I don't want to ever relive, but here's the thing... I was able to keep it together somehow. I started a brand new school year in the most horrific of ways. I taught a room of 22 5/6 year olds and did it well. I have just recently (this week) been nominated for Teacher of the Year by a parent from LAST year's class!! WHAT?? Yeah, she sent me the letter she sent to the county office which in turn is being sent to my principal. I was dumbfounded and completely humbled. I have also been dealing with "aunt issues"... driving back and forth to Asheville since June, talking to one hospital doctor or nurse after the other, trying to keep on top of her bills and income, making healthcare decisions I shouldn't have to make, etc... It's been A LOT!  But the thing is, "HOW?" How in this world was I able to do all that and be ok? I do believe I have learned the art of compartmentalizing. Oh, yes, that superior art form that most men possess.  Somehow I too, have learned it and have taken all this hurt and heartbreak and for the better part of each day, I can tuck it away somewhere and continue functioning at a high level of accuracy so to speak. I'm not sure whether to be proud of that fact or to be scared and sickened by it. I've been told we all find ways in which to cope--ways we figure out how to survive. Indeed we do!

I am trying not to slide down that slippery slope, but this week I feel like giving in and letting go. I don't have the strength to keep fighting so hard to stay afloat. Today I started sliding and right now I've caught hold of a little ledge (this blog). It is helping and I am grateful for that...whatever we can grasp onto, right? I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday. The thoughts of having to be on Defcon 5 energy level at 7am tomorrow morning is almost more than I can bear, but I will do it and pray that the hours go by quickly. I am going to Asheville this weekend to do more birthday celebrating with Katie so that is a fun thing to look forward to. I haven't decided whether I will go see my aunt or not. My insides are a little too fragile right now to take her on also. We will see.

Thanks for reading,
D~