Slip Sliding Away

One of my very good friends texted me this morning and said, "You haven't blogged in a week. Keep telling that story."  I responded with, "I think I have writer's block," of which she replied, "It's time to unblock."  I guess it is, but truth be told, I haven't felt like writing lately. I'm not exactly sure why, but I feel certain it has something to do with my current life state. It's starting to get to me. Perhaps it's this change in weather... gray a lot more than sunny, cooler temps, leaves falling off the trees and knowing that after Fall comes Winter. I am by nature, very much a "gotta have sunshine in my days" kinda girl. My husband has always told me I have what they call "SLAD"... Seasonal Light Affective Disorder. There's no doubt I do. Anyway, I've just been in a "blah sort of state" the last couple of weeks. I do need to keep telling the story, so here I am. I'm giving it my best shot today. :)

I will share something funny but was not the least bit funny when it happened. Not one bit.

Let me just say that my Friday did NOT get off on the right track. :(

I fell this morning... in my hallway, on hardwood floors, in the dark , with nothing on but a pair of pants (I mean nothing else) and carrying a just brewed tall cup (in a ceramic cup so very breakable) of hot coffee. It was like something off of TV... a cartoon is more like it. One of those oldie cartoons where you can see every single scene in slow excruciating motion. Insert Picture Flip Book here. Coffee went flying EVERY.WHERE. I do mean, everywhere!! I'm surprised it wasn't on the ceiling! 

You see, I get up before the crack of dawn (5:00am) and I'm up and out the door before anyone else even thinks about stirring. So the entire house is dark b/c I'm being kind and considerate trying not to make much noise or wake anyone up with lights on everywhere. Our dog has had some intestinal issues of late so he has been sleeping in the bathroom. I let him out, took my shower, and wanted my coffee. So I headed to the kitchen. I did check the hallway to make sure no poop surprises were awaiting me. Coast was clear. I made the coffee and was on my way back to finish getting ready. Since I had already checked the hall for dog poop, I figured all was well. Weeeellll, let's just say it wasn't! I turned the corner coming down the hall and my right foot stepped in dog S&*$%!! Then my left foot, then I started sliding all over the floor b/c I was trying not to fall, then coffee was spilling (burning HOT coffee mind you) and I was slipping in that too... anyway, I slid a good four feet before I came crashing down. Flat on my back... picture Lumberjack cutting down a tree... starts to wobble then BAM!! It falls down like thunder. Well, that was me. I didn't put my arms down, one, b/c I had said coffee cup in hand and I was trying like heck not to break it.  Two, b/c it was like a slow motion movie picture... scene by scene running thru my brain... I kept wondering why in the world I hadn't hit the ground yet... it was awful. I landed completely on my back and my tail bone. Straight out.... like lying prone in the air and then something just drops me. It hurt like a mother! I could hardly breathe. The noise and commotion woke up J; he did come out to see what happened and he did help me. Thank God. I was never so grateful for some care and compassion in my life!! I was totally dazed, stunned is more like it. I was on the verge of crying, couldn't move, had to get up... I asked J to please just wipe off my feet so I can go and wash them in the tub and get out of here. I was going to be late. He looks at me and says, "Uh, Dawn, I think you're going to have to take another shower. You have coffee and dog s%$* up one side of you and down the other." That in itself almost puts me over but what choice did I have? I slowly and carefully get up and go get back in the shower. I got in that shower and cried and cried and cried. I'm sure it was tears from pain and some other stuff mixed in as well, but I cried. I guess I needed to.  

I figured out why I was crying so hard. It is the first time I've received any sort of care, attention, compassion from J or just from a man in general in over 14 months. Lord, I miss it. I do. I'm being completely honest here. As a woman, I want to be cared for by a man. I don't give a rat's ass about the Women's Movement and I can do it all by myself. Hear me roar, kind of crap. I love my independence but I also want a man to take care of me. Is that so odd? No, I think not and even if some think this notion is ridiculous, I don't really care. It's what I feel and in my world, that's what counts. I want the attention a man can give. I miss the way it makes me feel... wanted, needed, cared for, loved. I miss being loved. I miss it. It hurts me in ways I can't explain. Deep bone crushing, bruised to the bone, hurt.

 So I cried for all that's been lost; I cried for all that I don't have and I'm not convinced I will ever have again. Oh, sure I can get the "affections of a man", but what I want is so much more. More! I've been bound and determined to never settle for anything less, but lately I've been in a funk and in a Doubting Thomas state of mind. I know I have to get out of it or I will sink further into the dark place, but it's just been difficult lately. I  will just keep slip sliding away. I don't want that, but when I get in this place, I'm always so quick to judge myself... I'm not pretty enough, I'm not skinny enough, I'm not outgoing enough (yeah, I know... those of you who really know me are saying, "What?? hahahaha-not outgoing enough? Well, believe it or not, I'm not that social, especially in situations where I'm uncomfortable or I know no one. It's true. Believe it.)  Or I tell myself I don't have the gumption to go out and do what it is going to take to meet someone who could be that "someone." I plain and simply doubt myself. It's a fault I've had all my life.

After taking my 2nd shower of the day, I got myself ready to go to school and face 21 bright eyed beautiful children who are counting on me to be there and love them through their day. I took four Advil, got my second round of coffee to go, and headed out the door. As I was driving to school, I was thinking how lucky I am and I was giving thanks that nothing was broken and my head didn't crack open on the hard floor. I am grateful for miracles b/c it was a for real miracle that I came out of that fall without a scratch so to speak. Oh, my tailbone and back are really sore, and there could be aches and pains I don't even know about yet, but all in all I think I'm good. I also replayed the whole fall on my ass scene and I did laugh because, well, it is funny when you think about it. I can promise you one thing, I will not be slipping in anymore dog S$%# now or in the future!! And as for the funk I'm in, I'll get out of it. I have to. 

There ya go, K. The blog post is posted. :) Thanks for encouraging me to get back with it. I'll be in Aville on Thursday. Maybe we can meet up for a hot cup of coffee. :o) 

D~