Let's Generalize, Shall We?
As defined by Webster, a generalization is "an idea or conclusion having general application." In other words, taking an idea, situation, instance, and making it very "general", not specific to any one person, place or thing... defining "as a whole", would be more like it. So let's generalize this relationship between a man and a woman, shall we?
Women think with their hearts, with their emotions... our relationships are entwined with the way we feel. Our relationships with men or women are emotional. We talk with our emotions. We love with our emotions. We have sex with our emotions. Friendships are emotional. It's the way it's been since time began. Men, however, are completely black and white. They don't really give of themselves in a relationship. Oh, they would say they do and fight me on this statement, but truth is truth. They seem to have very little vested in it (I've seen it time and again) and IF by some miracle they do care, they sure don't tell us about it. I guess they figure we don't need to know b/c we might think things are getting too serious or too involved and God forbid they allow us to know they care! They can walk away or stay depending on what's in it for them. Men have the ability to "compartmentalize" (so I'm told) and therefore, whatever happened or didn't happen, is never thought about again. "I just don't think about it," he says. Cut and dry. It's the way it is. Men say it or communicate the message to us in some primitive caveman way and find no more need to ever talk about it again. They have no idea why we girls want to revisit the subject, or why we try so hard to understand, or why we just can't seem to get a grip on just exactly what it is *they* are trying to say to us. HELLO!!! Maybe it's because you freakin' broke our hearts!!! BROKE IT!! Shattered it!! Left our heart laying splayed wide open on hot asphalt with the rest of our body simply bleeding out! See, the thing is, we gave you that heart b/c we trusted you... trusted you to take care of it... nurture it, love it, handle it with the utmost care b/c you cherished it. We thought we were really special to you. After all, you promised. But we didn't just give you our heart; we gave willingly, gladly without reservation, our body and soul as well. We (women) give everything. Everything. I now see this as one of my greatest faults. I will not make that mistake again. Guaranteed.
I have this unfortunate habit of not giving up, not letting go. I think if I just stick it out, things will change. (I think 29 years is a pretty good testament to that fact) Oh, yeah, we're generalizing.
If I do this or if I do that, or if I keep hoping against all odds, things will change then it will all go back to the "happy days." The days when we had so much fun together. We talked for hours, every day. We laughed together. We planned. We enjoyed each other. We simply looked forward. Those were such good days. So despite the fact that I heard, "it's over", I still thought if I showed love/gave love, he would see it and come around. I can change his mind by showing him how good it can be by helping him to remember those good days. Truth is, I'm living in a fantasy world with that thinking. Fan.Ta.Sy. There is no amount of talking, showing, giving, that is going to change the inevitable. What is, is what is. If it isn't a two way street, I'm just spinning my wheels. I am swimming upstream without a paddle. This is what I've been doing for the past year. I'm tired now. Actually, I'm flat out exhausted. I can't keep pouring all my energy into something with no return anymore. I'm sick of giving and giving and getting nothing back. However, like a dummy, I gave it one more shot... I presented my case "one more time," and I was met with mostly silence, an inability to form real words. I did get something like "why do you keep rehashing the same thing over and over again? I told you months ago and nothing has changed for me. I have nothing more to add to what I've already said. I've said it and there's no need to talk about it again." After hearing these words, (THIS TIME, this last time) something happened inside me. I felt a snap. Whatever was left of my heart, my desire to keep this dream alive, dissolved. Simply disappeared to the nether regions. It was strange really. The heartbreak, the torture of wondering, waiting, expecting, hoping-- just stopped. I guess I could say, the inside of me, what makes me love and hope and believe, died. Died a big ole' ugly death. I could actually feel the "withering" and in it's place a cold metal shield of defense rose up. "I will not let you hurt me again. I will not continue to be vulnerable to you," I heard my heart say. Imagine a bright yellow rose (my favorite by the way), all of a sudden becoming dark and black and the leaves and stems drying and shriveling up...this once beautiful rose that felt all bright and sunny and full of promise and hope, dissolves into black powder. Yep, that's pretty descriptive in a real mood changer sort of way, but "it is what it is" as the men say.
I'm done. DONE. I cannot keep hoping for something that isn't there. I cannot keep holding on to "what was". "What was" is gone. The sooner I accept this fact, the sooner I can begin to heal from the months and months of hurt and move on. I have hurt for so long now that I don't have an inkling of what life is like without it. *You've* hurt me, but you can't see it or if you do, you choose to ignore it. Nope, you haven't the first clue how you've made my heart stop beating. I'm just torturing myself by hoping something will change. It's not going to change, Dawn!!! Listen, to what you've been told a million times already! Accept it. Get a move on, Girl. You are making a fool of yourself. Stop already! It would seem he doesn't care one iota about how you feel or what you think. His s%$t is all compartmentalized! He's good. He can just go on about his days doing what he does best. Work. Office. Paperwork. Platonic living. Well, that's fine. It's A-OK. My eyes have now been opened and I see the light. I am accepting it. FINALLY. The blinders have been stripped and it is crystal clear to me. Clear.Gleaming.Crystal. God, why has it taken me sooooo long??? Let me feel relief. Please. Let me begin to live again. Help me to let go. Let it all go.
I don't want to be anybody's "just for fun," a pass through. I do want to be treated with genuine love and I want to be respected for who I am. I want to feel it, hear it, see it. HEAR IT!! Communication is big in my book. Like huge. If a man can't or won't communicate his thoughts or his feelings towards me, either in word, action, or deed, forget it. I'm done with that.
I don't typically give up on something that I really want. In fact, I usually go after it full throttle until I get it, but this time, I'm giving up. It's simply too hard to keep at it. I've done all I can do. I've said all I can possibly say in every different way imaginable. I've held on so tightly for such a long time now, that I did have to pry my fingers loose, but I did let go. I am proud of myself for that at least. In some unexplainable way, it's kind of "freeing." It's time to concentrate on me and time to figure out how I'm going to get through the days ahead. There's some big stuff coming up and I have to be on my A Game at all times. What I do know is that God has a plan for me. I have to believe it. I also have to believe it is something far better than I can imagine. I know that I'm going to have to battle some of my serious stubbornness in wanting to keep people at bay along with the urge to cut off any and all body parts of most men. I said "most," b/c there are a few exceptions. But I think for awhile, I may even swear men off altogether. Giving my heart away hasn't worked out for me just yet, so I think I'll keep it close to the vest for a good long while.
So for now, all I wanna be...
...is Done.
In a general way, of course. :)
D~
It's like the song says...
"You've been wearing that crown and tearing me down
It's been a while since you've treated me right
You strung me along for far too long cause I never gave up the fight
Until now.
I don't wanna be your "just for fun",
Don't wanna be under your thumb
All I wanna be is done...
Done."
Women think with their hearts, with their emotions... our relationships are entwined with the way we feel. Our relationships with men or women are emotional. We talk with our emotions. We love with our emotions. We have sex with our emotions. Friendships are emotional. It's the way it's been since time began. Men, however, are completely black and white. They don't really give of themselves in a relationship. Oh, they would say they do and fight me on this statement, but truth is truth. They seem to have very little vested in it (I've seen it time and again) and IF by some miracle they do care, they sure don't tell us about it. I guess they figure we don't need to know b/c we might think things are getting too serious or too involved and God forbid they allow us to know they care! They can walk away or stay depending on what's in it for them. Men have the ability to "compartmentalize" (so I'm told) and therefore, whatever happened or didn't happen, is never thought about again. "I just don't think about it," he says. Cut and dry. It's the way it is. Men say it or communicate the message to us in some primitive caveman way and find no more need to ever talk about it again. They have no idea why we girls want to revisit the subject, or why we try so hard to understand, or why we just can't seem to get a grip on just exactly what it is *they* are trying to say to us. HELLO!!! Maybe it's because you freakin' broke our hearts!!! BROKE IT!! Shattered it!! Left our heart laying splayed wide open on hot asphalt with the rest of our body simply bleeding out! See, the thing is, we gave you that heart b/c we trusted you... trusted you to take care of it... nurture it, love it, handle it with the utmost care b/c you cherished it. We thought we were really special to you. After all, you promised. But we didn't just give you our heart; we gave willingly, gladly without reservation, our body and soul as well. We (women) give everything. Everything. I now see this as one of my greatest faults. I will not make that mistake again. Guaranteed.
I have this unfortunate habit of not giving up, not letting go. I think if I just stick it out, things will change. (I think 29 years is a pretty good testament to that fact) Oh, yeah, we're generalizing.
If I do this or if I do that, or if I keep hoping against all odds, things will change then it will all go back to the "happy days." The days when we had so much fun together. We talked for hours, every day. We laughed together. We planned. We enjoyed each other. We simply looked forward. Those were such good days. So despite the fact that I heard, "it's over", I still thought if I showed love/gave love, he would see it and come around. I can change his mind by showing him how good it can be by helping him to remember those good days. Truth is, I'm living in a fantasy world with that thinking. Fan.Ta.Sy. There is no amount of talking, showing, giving, that is going to change the inevitable. What is, is what is. If it isn't a two way street, I'm just spinning my wheels. I am swimming upstream without a paddle. This is what I've been doing for the past year. I'm tired now. Actually, I'm flat out exhausted. I can't keep pouring all my energy into something with no return anymore. I'm sick of giving and giving and getting nothing back. However, like a dummy, I gave it one more shot... I presented my case "one more time," and I was met with mostly silence, an inability to form real words. I did get something like "why do you keep rehashing the same thing over and over again? I told you months ago and nothing has changed for me. I have nothing more to add to what I've already said. I've said it and there's no need to talk about it again." After hearing these words, (THIS TIME, this last time) something happened inside me. I felt a snap. Whatever was left of my heart, my desire to keep this dream alive, dissolved. Simply disappeared to the nether regions. It was strange really. The heartbreak, the torture of wondering, waiting, expecting, hoping-- just stopped. I guess I could say, the inside of me, what makes me love and hope and believe, died. Died a big ole' ugly death. I could actually feel the "withering" and in it's place a cold metal shield of defense rose up. "I will not let you hurt me again. I will not continue to be vulnerable to you," I heard my heart say. Imagine a bright yellow rose (my favorite by the way), all of a sudden becoming dark and black and the leaves and stems drying and shriveling up...this once beautiful rose that felt all bright and sunny and full of promise and hope, dissolves into black powder. Yep, that's pretty descriptive in a real mood changer sort of way, but "it is what it is" as the men say.
I'm done. DONE. I cannot keep hoping for something that isn't there. I cannot keep holding on to "what was". "What was" is gone. The sooner I accept this fact, the sooner I can begin to heal from the months and months of hurt and move on. I have hurt for so long now that I don't have an inkling of what life is like without it. *You've* hurt me, but you can't see it or if you do, you choose to ignore it. Nope, you haven't the first clue how you've made my heart stop beating. I'm just torturing myself by hoping something will change. It's not going to change, Dawn!!! Listen, to what you've been told a million times already! Accept it. Get a move on, Girl. You are making a fool of yourself. Stop already! It would seem he doesn't care one iota about how you feel or what you think. His s%$t is all compartmentalized! He's good. He can just go on about his days doing what he does best. Work. Office. Paperwork. Platonic living. Well, that's fine. It's A-OK. My eyes have now been opened and I see the light. I am accepting it. FINALLY. The blinders have been stripped and it is crystal clear to me. Clear.Gleaming.Crystal. God, why has it taken me sooooo long??? Let me feel relief. Please. Let me begin to live again. Help me to let go. Let it all go.
I don't want to be anybody's "just for fun," a pass through. I do want to be treated with genuine love and I want to be respected for who I am. I want to feel it, hear it, see it. HEAR IT!! Communication is big in my book. Like huge. If a man can't or won't communicate his thoughts or his feelings towards me, either in word, action, or deed, forget it. I'm done with that.
I don't typically give up on something that I really want. In fact, I usually go after it full throttle until I get it, but this time, I'm giving up. It's simply too hard to keep at it. I've done all I can do. I've said all I can possibly say in every different way imaginable. I've held on so tightly for such a long time now, that I did have to pry my fingers loose, but I did let go. I am proud of myself for that at least. In some unexplainable way, it's kind of "freeing." It's time to concentrate on me and time to figure out how I'm going to get through the days ahead. There's some big stuff coming up and I have to be on my A Game at all times. What I do know is that God has a plan for me. I have to believe it. I also have to believe it is something far better than I can imagine. I know that I'm going to have to battle some of my serious stubbornness in wanting to keep people at bay along with the urge to cut off any and all body parts of most men. I said "most," b/c there are a few exceptions. But I think for awhile, I may even swear men off altogether. Giving my heart away hasn't worked out for me just yet, so I think I'll keep it close to the vest for a good long while.
So for now, all I wanna be...
...is Done.
In a general way, of course. :)
D~
"You've been wearing that crown and tearing me down
It's been a while since you've treated me right
You strung me along for far too long cause I never gave up the fight
Until now.
I don't wanna be your "just for fun",
Don't wanna be under your thumb
All I wanna be is done...
Done."
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