Eggshells are so Crumbly
"This" has actually been going on for years, really a lot of years, but the "finality" actually started over a year ago. I can remember the exact date b/c it was one of the worst days of my life, if not THE worst. August 20, 2012. It's not easy "going back there" and remembering and trying to put those moments/feelings into words, especially words that I am sharing with "everyone." August 20th was my first day back to work after having the summer off; the best summer of my life because I got to spend 5 of those 8 weeks on a beach somewhere! (you will learn that the beach is my Happy Place)
Let's just say everything blew up that evening...
When it was all said and done, I was left with feelings I had never truly experienced before... I was shaken to my core and when I say that, I mean I was literally afraid, scared, in complete disbelief at the actions I had just witnessed. I felt like I went to bed that night lying on a mattress of eggshells. I couldn't move; I didn't want to move or breathe too loudly. I really didn't want to breathe. I couldn't wait for morning to come so I could get up early and leave for work. I walked around my house like this for weeks, and even months. I always felt like I was tip-toeing around, avoiding a confrontation, afraid of what MIGHT be said, not wanting to come home because of the tension that enveloped every molecule of our living space. Home was not Home to me anymore. I worked very long hours so I wouldn't have to come home until the absolute "last minute." We still have kids at home too. At that time, our 3rd son had just left for his first year of college. Our oldest lives at home but he was at work that night, and we have a 17 year old son who was about to start his sophomore year of high school at a brand new school. He was home. When I think back, I wonder what in the world he thought or felt that night. I know he heard things. I know he sensed or could feel some "bad vibes" swirling around him. How could he not!!
After that night, I knew without a doubt, we were over. Years of struggling to make a marriage work-- Years of "fighting the good fight" just to keep face were over. Part of me felt relief, but really what I felt was an overwhelming sadness. Sadness for nearly 30 years of our lives spent mostly trying to MAKE IT work and realizing we failed. So sad for our children. THAT is what kills me the most. Sad for J and I. Here we are at age 50 giving up, finally throwing in the towel and saying, "we can't do this anymore." What happened? When did it all go wrong? How did we ever get to this place? How could two people who love each other, treat one another so horribly bad?
Along with this deep sadness, I was terribly afraid. Afraid of "down the road." What in the world is going to happen to me, to the kids, even to J? I have many friends who have gone through divorce and have succeeded and even thrived. I do have people to talk to about this-people to give me guidance and support. How thankful I am! However, none of them were 50 years old. It is scary, people! SCARY! I think, "will I have enough money to pay my bills, buy a house, go where I want to go, make sure the kids have what they need, etc..." Then on the flip side of money, I think, "Whoa! How will I fix things? Who will do this or that? Can I live alone? Will I be alone for the rest of my life?" and the list goes on and on. But what I've learned in the last 13 months is this...
I will make it. My kids will be OK. We are all stronger than we think we are. Life will change as we know it, but we will survive and maybe, just maybe life will be better one day. I have to believe it. There will always be love for that person, but our time together as man and wife is gone. Change is hard, very hard. I've learned that if I take baby steps instead of trying to take big leaps, I can handle life so much better. I've realized there are certain things I can do absolutely nothing about. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have the best friends in the world. THE BEST. I'm learning to let go. This is a tough one and so hard for me. Letting go... (jeepers, this could be a blog post in itself!)
My heart has been broken, is broken, but I have discovered over this past year that my spirit is still flickering and waving the green flag! I will not cave. I will not give up. I may falter and stumble and have some really bad days, but I will not surrender. I will not allow my road to be paved with eggshells!
D~
Let's just say everything blew up that evening...
When it was all said and done, I was left with feelings I had never truly experienced before... I was shaken to my core and when I say that, I mean I was literally afraid, scared, in complete disbelief at the actions I had just witnessed. I felt like I went to bed that night lying on a mattress of eggshells. I couldn't move; I didn't want to move or breathe too loudly. I really didn't want to breathe. I couldn't wait for morning to come so I could get up early and leave for work. I walked around my house like this for weeks, and even months. I always felt like I was tip-toeing around, avoiding a confrontation, afraid of what MIGHT be said, not wanting to come home because of the tension that enveloped every molecule of our living space. Home was not Home to me anymore. I worked very long hours so I wouldn't have to come home until the absolute "last minute." We still have kids at home too. At that time, our 3rd son had just left for his first year of college. Our oldest lives at home but he was at work that night, and we have a 17 year old son who was about to start his sophomore year of high school at a brand new school. He was home. When I think back, I wonder what in the world he thought or felt that night. I know he heard things. I know he sensed or could feel some "bad vibes" swirling around him. How could he not!!
After that night, I knew without a doubt, we were over. Years of struggling to make a marriage work-- Years of "fighting the good fight" just to keep face were over. Part of me felt relief, but really what I felt was an overwhelming sadness. Sadness for nearly 30 years of our lives spent mostly trying to MAKE IT work and realizing we failed. So sad for our children. THAT is what kills me the most. Sad for J and I. Here we are at age 50 giving up, finally throwing in the towel and saying, "we can't do this anymore." What happened? When did it all go wrong? How did we ever get to this place? How could two people who love each other, treat one another so horribly bad?
Along with this deep sadness, I was terribly afraid. Afraid of "down the road." What in the world is going to happen to me, to the kids, even to J? I have many friends who have gone through divorce and have succeeded and even thrived. I do have people to talk to about this-people to give me guidance and support. How thankful I am! However, none of them were 50 years old. It is scary, people! SCARY! I think, "will I have enough money to pay my bills, buy a house, go where I want to go, make sure the kids have what they need, etc..." Then on the flip side of money, I think, "Whoa! How will I fix things? Who will do this or that? Can I live alone? Will I be alone for the rest of my life?" and the list goes on and on. But what I've learned in the last 13 months is this...
I will make it. My kids will be OK. We are all stronger than we think we are. Life will change as we know it, but we will survive and maybe, just maybe life will be better one day. I have to believe it. There will always be love for that person, but our time together as man and wife is gone. Change is hard, very hard. I've learned that if I take baby steps instead of trying to take big leaps, I can handle life so much better. I've realized there are certain things I can do absolutely nothing about. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have the best friends in the world. THE BEST. I'm learning to let go. This is a tough one and so hard for me. Letting go... (jeepers, this could be a blog post in itself!)
My heart has been broken, is broken, but I have discovered over this past year that my spirit is still flickering and waving the green flag! I will not cave. I will not give up. I may falter and stumble and have some really bad days, but I will not surrender. I will not allow my road to be paved with eggshells!
D~
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